Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

P-F16: Secret Santa! (Week 17 NFL Bonus)

This Santa has a secret
It's the collision of Pick'em Bonus with the time-honored tradition of giving half assed gifts, and of course the subsequent awkward reception of said gifts. Maybe it'll be a new tradition.

Just to get it out of the way, the following people got coal:
Gig'em (AP), 16 National Championships (CG), Crigga88 (CR), Tannesaurus Rex (CT), Pimp Possee (JB), The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC), Talks to Animals (JD), Lost Cause (JH), General Wartz (JM), Shake and Baker (JN), Creekside Body Count (KH), Geaux JJ (KZ), One man Wolfpack (MF), Dirt Burglars (DT). +0




So sad!
Speaking of sad, A Northmen (ANo) get the first gift. Sad Fans! You ever hear a sad songs and feel an emotional connection with a similar feeling of heartache, disappointment, loneliness, grief, or depression? Seeing a sad fan has the exact opposite effect. Seeing someone super sad about their favorite sports team is guaranteed to make you feel better 100% of the time. +4

Speaking of heartache of disappointment, I Look Good On Top (BF) gets a new GM for the Texans! Heck, how about we make BF the next GM for the Texans. Couldn't do any worse. +3

Speaking of doing worse, Beelzebubbles (CCo) gets they lose all their games and let me win! I'm going to interpret "they" here as everyone above CCo in the standings. She is 14 points from the leader in the standings, so this could happen y'all. This could be a sweet gift. Who is in!? +3

Nom nom nom
Speaking of sweet gifts, InnocentBystander (BJ) gets Vermont Pure Maple Syrup! Maple syrup is the perfect compliment to oatmeal, spaghetti, and also great if your New Year's resolution includes a master cleanse. +4

Speaking of perfect, Cactie (DCo), Phlying Hellfish (AD), and Slay All Day (CK) all get perfect pick'em cards! I can't wait to see those get filed in Week 18. We've never had multiple perfect cards in the same contest in the same week. +3

Speaking of winners, Bevo XV (DW) gets some scratch off lottery tickets. These are the ultimate no-labor gift that will allow DW to fantasize momentarily about finally getting that stadium suite in DKR. +4

Speaking of wieners, Swamp Dogs (DR) gets a Johnson(?)! I'm just going to interpret this gift as DR getting Velvet Neutral Ground and not a johnson but I'm not sure one gift is objectively better than the other. +3

I just graduated from college!
Speaking of nutty, Left Hand Scissors (GN) gets the fruitcake, because of course there was a fruitcake. Fun fact, fruitcakes really do last a long time. The internet tells me 25 years when stored properly. +3

Speaking of longshots, One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS) gets the gift of a parlay with the last four games on the card -- HOU -2.5, BAL +6, KC -3, DET +6.5. They will all be nationally televised and unopposed in their respective time slots. 4 teamers get 10-1 odds, so a simple wager of $100 bucks would lead to a very merry Christmas. That was a great gift, but the Texans pooped on it in the first game. +5

Speaking of lightning in a bottle, Huntwick Hosers (KW) get a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle! Hopefully KW shares. I'll share the fruitcake. +4

Speaking of drinking, Siemian's Stallions (MM) gets a model car! I don't have any other details, but it sounds cool. Treasure that. +3

Speaking of treasures, BlitzKrieg (RK) gets an empty jewelry box (regifted from an ex)! I suggest maybe repurposing it or paying it forward and regifting it next year.

Speaking of outside the box, Accidentchild (MN) gets How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped. Oh, you got jokes. +3

You want to pick me up?
Speaking of strong jokes, Alexandria Cyclones (SS) gets Charlie Strong's Buyout! That is exactly what USF got Texas for Christmas too. +4

Speaking of strong hangovers, Big Papa's Picks (AM) gets a bottle of Vitamin B Complex! Nothing is a miracle cure, but I'll be damned if these things haven't made some strong nights less punishing the next day. B vitamins even play on my Anything Mock Draught team+5

And speaking of the last present, Butt Pickers (ANe) gets the last gift, which is a quarterback! Apparently these are important. The hopefully you'll share this one with the Texans. The Cowboys already have too many. +3

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Sunday, December 11, 2016

P-F16: Hey Wizards. What Is Your Patronus?

First of all, what the heck is a patronus? My wife and/or kids have dragged me to each of the Harry Potter movies, as well as the recent Fantastic Beasts movie. The Potter movies weren't my jam, but the Beasts movie seems to have read from the Marvel Hit Movie Cookbook, and it followed the recipe well.

Don't ask me what Potter book a Patronus was mentioned (or if it is in all of them). I googled patronus and (of course) the Harry Potter wiki page was the first link. Here is what I found.
"This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it."
In normal people words, I assume this is pretty close to a spirit animal. What is your spirit animal?

Left Hand Scissors (GN): Smoking meat (+4)

Phlying Hellfish (AD): One of my favorite brands of tequila? (+4, I see what you did there)

Siemian's Stallions (MM): Not exactly sure what a patronus is, but I got an old ithica 12-guage pump action that I have a fancy for. If not that whiskey definitely whiskey. (+4, ha)

Butt Pickers (ANe): Jabba the Hut (+4)

Alexandria Cyclones (SS): What's a patronus?  Is this a Harry Potter thing? (+3, partial credit)

Bevo XV (DW): Patron vodka (+4, I didn't know Patron made vodka)

Accidentchild (MN): Cowboy (+4, giddyup)

I Look Good On Top (BF): Snake (+4, I'm terrified of you now)

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS): A donkey, duh (+4, it could have been Erin Andrews though)

Pimp Possee (JB): No clue (+3)

Creekside Body Count: Superspike VBall (+4, like)

InnocentBystander (BJ): Tom Savage?  TBH, I had to look up what a patronus is...haha. (+4)

Tannesaurus Rex (CT): Leviosa corona (+4, clever)

Beelzebubbles (CCo): A dead cat (+4, I'm not sure if there is a backstory here, and I'm also not sure I want to know)

Dirt Burglars (DT): Always losing at pickem (+4, funny)

A Northmen (AN): Pottermore says it's a calico cat, I used to say it was a sloth, but now it's more like niffler #ravenclawesome  (+4, nerd)

BlitzKrieg knocked it out the park again, so I'm copying his response below unedited.

BlitzKrieg (RK): I had to ask my 9 year old daughter (she has read all of the Harry Potter books, twice) what it meant. She got so excited and started telling me all about the Patronus Charm and then she started asking questions about the pickem-league and whether it has anything to do with Harry Potter and whether she could join if there were questions like this.

As a result, I neglected to fill it in immediately, thinking that something clever would come to mind. But it hasn't. I'll go with this fearsome, intimidating Patronus:

Inline image 1

We'll see what the Bears and Packers will do when Roary starts prowling their sidelines in the upcoming weeks. The Giants and Cowboys are fortunate that they will not have to deal with my Patronus this year.
(+5!)

P-F16: #hashtag the best or worst part of this NCAA Pick'em season

Scoring here is simple. 5 points if you put something, 0 points if you didn't. #letsdothis

#bonusquestions

Slay All Day (CK): #bonusquestions << on the best and worst list
Beelzebubbles (CCo): #yourepeatingGeneralWartz6times << i couldn't help myself
Lost Cause (JH): #bringingbackthestashphoto
Dirt Burglars (DT): #virtualthanksgiving

#pickingagainstthespread

Alexandria Cyclones (SS): #thespread
InnocentBystander (BJ): #PickingAgainstTheSpreadSucks
Gig'em (AP): #myshittypicks
Left Hand Scissors (GN): #neverbetthemortgage

#leaderboard

Phlying Hellfish (AD): #losingby1/2point
General Wartz (JM): #IAMINTHELEAD!!!!!
16 National Championships (CG): #WhenIDontWin

#flattery

Big Papa's Picks (AM): #commishmadeitfun
BlitzKrieg (RK): #thanksagainforagreatseasoncommish

#funny

Bevo XV (DW): #WRTS (but not Mississippi) << haha
Creekside Body Count (KH): #Herbstreitcessgenepool
Siemian's Stallions (MM): #tuesdaynightMACtion

#theend

A Northmen (AN): #theendisnigh
One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS), Tannesaurus Rex (CT): #theend

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

P-F16 Week 14 Card and Scoreboard Links

Friends, another wonderful(ly awesome/terrible) NCAA regular season. Did you know this was the last week of your P-F16 NCAA Pick'em life? I bet General Wartz (JM) knows.

You bet General Wartz knows. He's friggin focused on his craft for 13 weeks and is picking 54% against the spread. That is at least enough to stay drunk in Vegas. 

But it is the last week of our P-F16 NCAA Pick'em life. Do you think that General Wartz is sitting behind the computer a little scared. Maybe he is a little depressed from that season long high of picking ass (tm). General Wartz has been beating the spread so hard, embarrassing our collective picking skillz, being the Man, and taking home that championship. General Wartz is the example. 

I can't even imagine the pressure General Wartz has to not totally blow this last card. What is going on between his temples? He probably isn't focused on anything else this week but filing a perfect NCAA card. He'd probably gladly share his card this week with us so we could copy/paste it. Then we could all bask in that last score.

Damn it's the last NCAA week.

NCAA Pick'em

NFL Pick'em

Sunday, November 27, 2016

P-F16: Thanksgiving with Pickem Dash Football Fam

If there is a tradition as rich as Football on Thanksgiving, it is me grading what you brought to our virtual dinner. Let's eat.

Sides are the star of every Thanksgiving meal. Today we have macaroni and cheese from One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS). He says that's all you need, but if that is the case, then I think he misspelled gravy (+3). Accidentchild (MN) brought corn pudding. I had two real Thanksgiving meals this year and no corn pudding (+4, for the addition). Shake and Baker (JN) brings stuffing, which I'm sure he's cleared of any bacteria (+3). And this meal needs some cranberry sauce. In a can (check). On sale 2 for 1 (check). February three years ago (still good). Thanks Swamp Dogs (DR) (+5).

For some reason, we still pile bread on a plate with a meat and eight sides. Bevo XV (DW) brought those Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Those things are magic (+4). We also have those part dry, part gummy white rolls on the table. Thanks Northmen (AN) (+3). Do you guys have that creepy uncle that brings nuts in purple sack? We do. Thanks Creekside Body Count (KH) (+4).

Did anyone say libations? Gig'em (AP) did (+3). 16 National Championships (CG) brought the two of us a half gallon of Maker's Mark (+4). Hopefully the rest of you guys are cool with iced tea. If not, One Man Wolfpack (MF) brought vodka, but you'll have to also put up with his sarcasm (+4). I'll bite. If they made turkey and gravy flavored vodka I'd be asleep in an hour. Slay All Day (CK) has a more cultured corner of the room popping bottles of champagne (+4). Armand de Brignac I'm sure.

Need entertainment? Phlying Hellfish (AD) is bringing the party (+3). Butt Pickers (ANe) brought an appetite (+3). For anyone else that needs help, The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC) brought really good weed (+4). Tannesaurus Rex (CT) is bringing the awkward silences, which is probably the 2nd best part of Thanksgiving next to gravy (+5). To fill those awkward silences, Geaux JJ (KZ) brings "just me," which comes with plenty of ice breakers and inappropriate conversation (+3).

No one should go hungry, and there are a few other delicious items sitting on the table. When I'm not in the corner with CG's half gallon, I'm hovering over Alexandria Cyclones (SS) pimento cheese dip and spiral cut Virginia ham (+4). I Look Good On Top (BF) brought frog legs (+4). If they taste like chicken to you, then you aren't used to having good chicken -- or frog legs. Siemian's Stallions (MM) needs to be invited every year. He brought bacon wrapped goat cheese stuffed dates and an oreo cheesecake (+5). Yum.

Speaking of sweet, Huntwick Hosers (KW) brought that fake ass Sweet Potato Pie. Just kidding, Pumpkin Pie (+3). I like pumpkin pie -- as a side -- to a serving of Cool Whip. Beelzebubbles (CCo) brought a whole table of desserts: Millionaire pie, Better than Sex Cake, Pecan Pie, Praline Cake, Pumpkin cheesecake , cupcakes that look like little turkeys (and whiskey). Holy crap we are screwed (+5). Uh I won't be by the table taking tiny bites of each of these, that's for sure.

Oh hey there's a doorbell.

Commish: "Hey General Wartz (JM), welcome! JC brought weed and CJ has this huge spread of desserts. You may want to stay off of KH's purple sack of nuts. What did you bring?"

JM: "Not Chowder!!" (+3)

Commish: "OK. Hey it's NFL Pick'em Contest leader Lost Cause (JH) pulling up. What happened to the 'stache?"

JH: I didn't bring the 'stache. (+4)

Commish: "Big Papa's Picks (AM). C'mon in.

AM: I brought Charlie Strong as my plus one (+4).

Commish: Charlie, grab a glass of iced tea aaaaaannnd best to steer clear of most of the crowd. BlitzKrieg (RK), you are a huge Charlie guy, right?

RK: "I've held out as a Strong supporter all year, but after attending the game yesterday and witnessing the uninspired performance and general regression of the team, I'm now agreeing that a change is needed. I'm bringing my support for the Herman - Aranda era of Longhorn football to the virtual celebration. Hopefully someone else brings the 17+ million to buy out him and his staff." (+5)

Commish: "Charlie does have that paid glow today. Speaking of Strong supporters, anyone seen Dirt Burglars (DT)?"

DT: "Over here in the virtual lazy boy, sitting my stuffed ass down, watching football, and taking a nap." (+6).

And scene.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

P-F16: Commish A.M.A. (Week 10 NCAA Bonus)

Commish: Alright alright! Ask me anything. Let’s get this started.

Alexandria Cyclones (SS): What motivates you?

Commish: Impressing someone with something they weren’t expecting.

Talks to Animals (JD): Why the heck isn't pickem legal to play for money? you could fill out your slips at the lotto machine!

Commish: I’m for it. We could play at the Astrodome Casino.

Big Papa's Picks (AM): So we get 1/2 a point for a tie in the NFL?

Commish: Nope. There clearly shouldn’t be ties in football. All ties should be decided by a place kicking competition between the two teams’ offensive lineman. So that’s not on me. That’s on Goodell.

Bevo XV (DW): What would it take for Baylor ban to end?

Commish: NCAA sanctions, admission of guilt, or a majority league vote to bring them back -- whichever comes first.

A Northmen (AN): I got nothing. I know all the answers ;-)

Commish: What is “how I feel all the time”? And what else?

Creekside Body Count (KH): Erin Andrews or Sam Ponder?

Commish: Erin Andrews every day of the week and twice through the peephole.

Swamp Dogs (DR): What equation do you use to formulate which games make the cut each week?
Phlying Hellfish (AD): How are the NCAA games chosen?

Commish: Excellent question. First of all, I usually try to avoid non-Saturday NCAA games. The only exceptions are the first week, the last week, and any holiday weeks. I also try to work in teams that people in the league like (based on your answers on the registration form). After that, the card depends on my Longhorn season ticket package. If it is a Longhorn home game weekend, then I'll be out of town, and I scan for what look like good match-ups or games with interesting lines. I do my best to balance the card with games across all time slots, including at least one West Coast after dark game. However if the Longhorns are on the road, my method is even more calculated. In my living room I have five TVs. Three of those TVs get an HD feed and two are only crappy TVs that can only get basic channels. The rule when I'm going to be home is that I want to watch every game on my TVs. To accomplish this, I can’t have more than three games in any time slot that aren’t on a non-HD channel (because of my two crappy TVs, and no more than five total games on at any time. Finally, I prefer to back load the card so that much of the action happens at night. Pretty simple actually.

Beelzebubbles (CCo): When will you mark me as paid and send out my form of payment to the team?

Commish: Here is your receipt. The sweet-ass-‘stashed Lost Cause (JH) picture.



One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS): Who is the worst pickem participant since you have started this amazing contest?

Commish: Metaphorically or literally? Maybe that ‘stashe above. But not literally.

Siemian's Stallions (MM): Given the Cubs win this weekend and the long lineage of pick'am Champions what has been the longest championship dry spell in pick'em.

Commish: Possibly 'stashe's cousin, Beelzebubbles (CCo), who hasn’t won since 2003.

Butt Pickers (ANe): Who has the best career pick-em score?

Commish: In 2011, I picker named Chumlee's Banditos finished the NCAA season with 61.4% against the spread. In 2009 Creekside Body Count (KH), then Mr Smokeypants, finished the NFL season with 71.5% (183) correct picks . As a comparison, last year’s winners won with 57% against the spread and 160 correct picks in the NCAA and NFL contests respectively.

I Look Good On Top (BF): Why don't the scores post immediately after each game ends?

Commish: This answer is nuanced. It all depends on the availability and state of mind of the guy on the other end of the scorecard. Somebody has the low pay / no pay job of entering all the scores manually.

Gig'em (AP): When did you start pickem-football and how many participants were there the 1st year?

Commish: The first official year for this pick’em game was 2000. We had 7 participants. Creekside Body Count (KH), then named Second to Nut, won the NCAA contest picking 51.5% against the spread (haha, tough competition then). A Northmen (ANo), then #1 Stunners, won the NFL contest picking 66.8% straight up.


Lost Cause: How much longer do you plan to host the game?

Commish: Until I turn in a set of perfect cards for a weekend. Then I shut it down THAT WEEKEND and return all your money. For those of you curious about our history of perfect cards, this is the last one from 10/29/13.

The Northmen (ANo) filed a perfect NFL card this week -- a truly rare feat. I googled my email and found that our last perfect card was, like, a whole year ago (10/22/12, One Man Wolfpack (MF), NFL Week 8). Before that Monday Night game, I apparently did some P-F history research and wrote the following:

Speaking of correct picks, a perfect card is nearly impossible. One of you old-timers can correct me if I'm wrong, but I only remember it happening twice ever. The most impressive of the two was Northmen's (ANo) perfect weekend, where she correctly picked 15 NCAA games and a full slate of NFL games (16). Mr. Smokeypants almost lived out a little league version of this feat this week. Smokeypants capitalized on an abbreviated card (I accidentally left off one game) during the bye-week part of the NFL schedule and had 11 of 11 picks correct going into the HUGE Ravens-Jags game. Unfortunately he got Flacco'ed.
Pick'em recorded history isn't without its holes, but I could only find 2 NCAA perfect cards and 2 NFL perfect cards. A Northmen's (ANo) perfect weekend was insane and will probably never be matched. She also has the other recorded perfect NCAA card. The 2nd perfect NFL card was by someone not in the league anymore.

We have had 6 perfect cards in the 14 year history of the league, 2 NCAA and 4 NFL. Northmen have 4 of those 6, including the only two ever in NCAA against the spread. That is Hall of Fame bleep right there.

Crigga88 (CF): What do you think about the Aggies at #4

Commish: I think they are going to lose. Really though, I can enjoy watching the Aggies now that they are the SEC’s problem.

Accidentchild (MN): What is the meaning of pickem football?

Commish: “Pick’em” is a style of game and football is the sport we are picking. Strangely enough, no one ever registered that website name, so now it is mine. Ours.


16 National Championships (CG): How many people have paid you?

Commish: 18 of 32

Dirt Burglars (DT): G...Are you skimming something of the top? It sure is a lot of work every week to do it for nothing. Plus you got all those jack asses that don't pay until the end.


Commish: I don’t skim anything. This all makes the football season 10x more fun, even though it is 100x more work than a football fan normally signs up for.

BlitzKrieg (RK): Hey, who cut your hair?

Commish: Let’s talk about the strange tradition of tipping extra around Christmas? I don’t get my hair cut in December because Christmas tipping is stupid, but I hate the pressure of having to do it. In December, no one cuts my hair.



One man Wolfpack (MF): Without football, what would we have to look forward to every year?

Commish: Baseball season ending. 

InnocentBystander (BJ): How will the payout work? ...not that I'll be winning anything. 

Commish: Assuming everyone puts in their 25 "high fives", it’ll look something like below. 
NCAA Pick’em 1st Place: 200 high fives 
NCAA Pick’em 2nd Place: 50 
NCAA Pick’em 1st Place: 200 
NCAA Pick’em 2nd Place: 50 
Bowl Challenge: 150 
NFL Playoff: 150 

Huntwick Hosers (KW): Tell the story how you dreamed to create a perfect pick-em league.

Commish: During my second senior year of college, one of the news stations in Austin had a contest where you download a card and send your picks for prizes. Amanda and I started doing it, then figured out it was just as fun to do it without sending the card in. After I got my first job, I floated a similar idea to several people and just started doing it. In 2000, the cards looked like below, I entered, formatted, and tallied everything by hand. Seventeen years later the process is so much cooler, but the game is just as friggin fun. 




Shake and Baker (JN): Has anyone ever won both nfl and ncaa pickem in the same year?

Commish: In 2004 and 2008 it happened. In 2004 there was a 3-way tie for first in the NCAA contest when Sugar Land Bushleague won, if that counts. In 2008 Novacain swept both contests solo. Neither of those dudes play anymore, and Sugar Land Bushleague was a one and done phenom.

The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC): How high will I rise in the standings after LSU upsets the Gumps this weekend? 

Commish: All I heard was yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw 

 Commish: That’s it pickers. Eat your veggies. Goodbye and good luck.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

P-F16: Week 4 NCAA Bonus: How many points do the Longhorns give up in the bye week?

How many points would the Longhorns give up in the bye week? Who knows, but opening up your end zone to the opposition is definitely not against Charlie's core values.

I could tell that not all of you guys like the open ended nonsensical bonus questions, but I'm using my commissioner powers to give some of you points beyond the stated 2 points for answering. The answers came in some basic categories.

CLARIFICATIONS:
Cactie (DCo): Huh!!!!! The question is how many points do the Longhorns give up in the bye week. Since it is the bye week, you would think that the correct answer would be zero, but if you saw the box score on any of the recent games, it appears that teams are still scoring even as I type this post! +2

Huntwick Hosers (KW): Loaded question, my answer is purple. Better question, how many will the Purple Wizard score on this D in Manhattan, Kansas. But also no, this question is not loaded. +2

Gig'em (AP): Depends on how many more starters get arrested this weekend. The answer is zero. Zero more staters got arrested. +2

General Wartz (JM): Are they home or away? They are all at home, except one player. +2

I Look Good On Top (BF): All of them. Pretty much +2

Beelzebubbles (CCo): alot. Relatively +2

BYE THE NUMBERS:
AM, MM, JD, JB, ANe, MF, SS, JN, DT, KZ, JC, MN, KS, GN +2

For anyone looking to lay down money on the next bye week, for those that guessed numbers, the average was just under two touchdowns. Take the over.

Swamp Dogs (DR): A half point. I see what you did there +2

YEAH BUT YOUR TEAM SUCKS:
Slay All Day (CK): Who cares. OU SUCKS. OU does suck a lot, but not as much as I want them to at football. +2

Tannesaurus Rex (CT): 18 ethics points for covering up a concussion. Uh nice one. +2

Phlying Hellfish (AD): Less than Texas Tech, barely. Tech also had a bye week, so this may have been the unintentionally funny response of the week! +3

Crigga88 (CR): Who cares about the trash longhorns!! Gig Em Aggies. I'm sure you didn't get a chance to check since your dick was so wet with hog. +3

DEE FENCE!:
A Northmen (AN): 3. The defence is being worked pretty hard in practice. Yeah the defense is getting worked. AMIRITE?! +3

InnocentBystander (BJ): They find themselves in a defensive struggle where the defense struggles mightily. That's the general narrative unfortunately. +3

KENT PERKINS FELL ASLEEP IN A DRIVE THRU, WAS WOKEN, AND THEN FELL ASLEEP AGAIN AND CRASHED HIS CAR
Maybe the question should have been, how many vodka drinks does it take to put a 320 lb man's BAC over twice the legal limit? But remember, the question was "How many points do the Longhorns give up in the bye week?"

16 National Championships (CG): I'm just praying for no arrests. Oh, I may have some bad news. +2

Bevo XV (DW): One drunk driving lineman. Ha +3

BlitzKrieg (RK): .178 -- I expect Kent to get over .20 if he is going to pass out in a drive-thru lane. I suppose for as large as he is, though, that was a fair amount of alcohol. I agree. +3

Lost Cause (JH): 1.2 points on the breathalyzer. I've never blown *knock on wood*, but I think that is too many breathalyzer points. +3

OH NO, BE WHY EEE, NOT BE WHY YOU:

Creekside Body Count (KH): Easy 40-41 points...In 2015 the Longhorns gave up 41 in the byu week, and in 2014 the Longhorns gave up 40 on the byu week. Mark it down. Take it to the bank. Thank me later. +4


Tuesday, September 20, 2016

P-F16 Week 4 Card and Scoreboard Links


NCAA Pick'em

NFL Pick'em

P-F16 Week 3 NFL Bonus: We banned Baylor from P-F16 last week. What should we ban in the NFL?

Protesting is easy. Protesting is kind of fun. Life is often too stable, and from what Jurassic Park taught me about Chaos Theory, protesting feels right because it probably is right. Therefore henceforth and until such time as we lose interest, we shall balance the P-F force and protest something NFL. What is your vote?

We should ban banning. It's offensive.
-Huntwick Hosers (+1)
I know the anthem was on your mind, but JJ Abrams has already fixed America.

(Gig'em; I Look Good On Top; InnocentBystander; 16 National Championships +2)

Cleveland got a few votes. You think their owner cares what you think?


(Pimp Possee; One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys; Butt Pickers +2)

It's also way too easy to ban the Cowboys. They have been banning themselves from the relevance for a generation.


(A Northmen; Phlying Hellfish +2. Phlying Hellfish +3 for banning Jerry Jones from decisions)

You guys, I'm not going to ban Tampa Bay, Kubiak, Peter King, Mark Sanchez, or Colt v Denver (defense!). Plus Sanchez gets a lifetime pass for gifting us butt fumble.



(Tannesaurus Rex; Accidentchild; Slay All Day; Crigga88; Alexandria Cyclones +2)

Bevo XV AND Shake and Baker both have great team names, and bot think Thursday Night games are lousy and they should be banned because NO THEY DON'T IT'S FOOTBALL DUDES. -2!

But let's talk about those color rush unis. We could probably ban those, but the Browns' unis are the sh!t. Amirite?


(Swamp Dogs +3)

Speaking of the Browns' uniforms, holy sh!t I googled "athletes peeing on the field" and got 210,000 results. I guess we could ban that, but sometime you gotta go.


(By the way, if you google "Browns uniforms are shit," you get 931,000 results! Beelzebubbles +3)

For some reason, Lost Cause wants to ban shots to the head. I don't get it though, because that is where shots are supposed to go. +2


Victor Cruz's TD dance?


I'm jus' keeding! (General Wartz +2)

If you write a whole paragraph about dancing for your answer, then I just quote you.
[Ban] celebration/taunting penalties, bring back the USFL days. You're a grown ass man, if you did your job better the other guy probably wouldn't taunt you, plus it could be a try out for next years dancing with the stars.
(Siemian's Stallions +4)

We are getting close to the end, and I need to pick something to ban. Defensive Holding! Let's do it. Defensive holding sucks and -- wait never mind


(One Man Wolfpack +3)

I'm biased, but I think we should ban whatever TV rule it is that keeps 2 FOX and 2 CBS games from being on TV every weekend. Alternating double header weekends and home team rules are stupid. +1000 me.

But seriously, if The Velvet Neutral Ground was in charge, he would ban Chris Berman, children, and light beer. He's more dangerous for America then Trump IMHO. -666

What. Do. We. Ban. ?? That Baylor sh!t was bad. Where's the yin to that yang? The ting to that tang tang?

The 3 piece, potato and a veggie goes to Creekside Body Count, who came up with the absolute best way to honor the ban.
Rather than a ban, the Patriots should be listed as the Cheating Chowder Heads on the card
We are totally doing that. +5

Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Official 2016 Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Post

Dear Pickers,

I would like to announce my candidacy for the office of commissioner of picking things in the upcoming 2016 football season.


As a longtime maker of decisions, and a self-proclaimed commissioner of football picks for fourteen years, I consider myself very fortunate to be able to preach these successes on the world wide web. My concentration and vision have kept me alive for some time now. And I’ve seen some stuff you guys. That stuff is depressing and offensive, and all I want to do now is use “progress” in this sentence.

Now, more than ever, I think it’s time… it’s time to keep mostly the same blood, mostly the same faces, mostly the same thinking, and most importantly, some Pickem Dash Football Dot Com action.
It’s also time to review our rules; our constitution if you will. In order to achieve personal picking growth, we must adopt a radically conservative and progressive avant-garde approach to avoid all of the bad stuff and capture all of the good stuff. I think we are on the same page here.

Pickem Dash Football consists of 4 games: 2 regular-season and 2 post-season games. Regular season pick’em games are the following:

  • NCAA: 15 games to pick per week. Picks are against the spread. I provide the odds for each game.
  • NFL: 14-16 (all) NFL games per week. These picks are straight up. That means no spread and you are picking winners.

I send these picks to you via a link to a Google Form. It’s easy and you can even vote from your phone.

On the game card for each week's NCAA and NFL games, I may include optional bonus questions (like the annual Thanksgiving side dish bonus). While these won't increase your score for the regular-season games, the "points" are collected and used to give you an advantage in the post-season games. Bonus points are also given to weekly winners, for paying your entry fee early, and for some other random stuff I make up along the way.

The post season games are the following:

  • NCAA FBS Bowl Games: All the bowls (41? I've lost count). Picked confidence pool style. Straight up (no spread).
  • NFL Playoff Games. All the games (11). Picked week-to-week against the spread.

The impact of your picks on the Pickem Dash Football environment will be visible for you, your children, and your children’s children via a website. Maximize the utilization of our website while minimizing your other work to create the biggest impact.

Your Pick’em commissioner’s job should be to ensure your picks’ safety, promote a positive digital space for picks to live in, and stimulate the people to make the best choices. Tom Brady once said, “Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.” It is pretty clear Tom’s situation is filled with good picks.

We play in a remarkable league that is filled with talented and educated people who share a deep appreciation to the great picking opportunities that football gives us. You have what it takes to sustain greatness and thrive. It’s time.

- G$ for commissioner


Saturday, January 9, 2016

P-F15: NFL Playoff Pick'em Challenge, Part 1



There are* times in all of our lives when we need a new beginning. Maybe you failed to place in a regular season contest. Perhaps you let your mind drift when you saw that monster of a bowl card. Now you feel far from a master picker. Previous disappointments may have caused you to drift from picking. You need a new beginning.

But is it even possible? And if it is, where do you start? The thought of a new beginning is scary, because you don't want to risk another pick'em failure.

But you aren't content. Your soul needs to pick. You could make the difficult and perilous journey to the promise land, OR you could just click a few boxes and wager some points! Because. You. Are. A. Human. Being.

Forget Babylon. It is a pile of rubble. How about couch and computer. You earned this chance by joining at the beginning of the season. Follow me now.

* I had a college English teacher in college that failed our papers if we started a sentence with "there are" or "there is." Well BAM -- look at me now!

Click on the picks below to make it bigger. Depending on your browser, you may also need to right click and "view image" to be able to zoom.

updated 1/24/16 8:54 PM CST

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

P-F15: Week 13 Bonus - Pick'em Dash Football's Turkey Leg Awards















Pee Wee Sperman

Plan B pill because we
all know NFL players need to stop popping out kids

OK. One
leg to Plan B.

+3

The Guru

On a personal note, a
shout out to my wife for completing a half marathon!

One
turkey leg to The Guru's wife.

+3

A Northmen

Turkey Leg to Johnny
Football for keeping out of trouble and staying first string....oh
wait..what...never mind. Turkey Leg to the Comish for getting the card out on
time (yup, not against brown nosing)

One
browned turkey leg.

+3

Gig'em







chicainery







Beelzebubbles

Mine goes to the man
who created the 99 Grand Parkway. I know it wasnt a woman because the road is
super curvy!!

One
turkey leg to super curvy women. No turkey legs to converting roads to toll.

+4

15 National
Championships

Turkey leg to JFB for
being the largest jackass to ever step on the football field.

Johnny
Incognito gets a 2nd turkey leg.

+3

Bey

Kubiak. Just because.

Ugh. OK.
One turkey leg to Kubes.

+3

Tannesaurus Rex

Browns head coach for
overreacting. :)

Turkey
legs to all (new franchise) Browns head coaches!

+4

Cactie







Double D







Swamp Dawgs

Les Miles. You have to
give props to a man who can get fired and take $15 million with him

Turkey
leg to that goofy mf'er, Les Miles.

+3

DirtBurglars

Turkey legs for the
turkeys in congress

One
turkey leg for Congress. They can figure out how to get it served.

+3

Bevo XIV RIP

Turkey Leg Award goes
to the best lip syncing artist during the Macy's Day parade

A turkey
leg to the sound guy.

+3

Left Hand Scissors







Pimp Possee

Anything

A turkey
leg to you, sir.

+1

The Velvet Neutral
Ground

My turkey leg award
goes to Johnny Football aka Johnny Used Car Salesman. With a side of douche gravy.

Johnny
likes legs.

+3

Lost Cause

Tony Romo and Dez
Bryant back together and turning the Cowboys around!

A turkey
leg to lost causes.

+4

Naked Bootleggers







Bill F*cking O'Brien's
Juice is Loose

The Commish, nuff said

I love
turkey legs

+3

I got nothing

Beer. Always the MVP

Turkey
legs and beer.

+4

Home Team Confusers

Fallout 4

Turkey
leg to "where did the day go?"

+3

Geaux JJ







Brownie Points







Peyton's Ponies

the turkey themselves,
by allowing us to use this day and bird as not only an excellent meal but
also as a symbol to get together with family and friends and hang out
together and bring back old times.



Also I'm sure the turkey would be pumped to get it's leg back.

A turkey
leg for your answer too.

+5

AccidentChild

The Donald!

Turkeys
for turkeys

+3

SayMyName







BlitzKrieg

Pickem commish for
taking time out to score all of this stuff. Seriously, I have trouble finding
the time to respond to simple, open-ended bonus questions with (presumably)
no wrong answer.

Since
there is no wrong answer, I will take that turkey leg.

+3

Alexandria Cyclones

6-pack of Genesee
Cream Ale

It's
like gravy to the turkey leg.

+3






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