Pickem Dash Football

[PA Chime] This is your captain speaking. As we begin our descent toward the end of the NFL regular season, we asked one final question of the cabin: What went right? Some answers were earnest. Some were defiant. Some were clearly written while staring at the standings in disbelief. All were honest in their own way. A Northmen (AN), Cuernos Largos (CT), Eleven Verticals (ON) +5 , and Shot Callers (RD) all arrived at the same conclusion: The Texans. Or more specifically, the Texans defense. +3 Wookie Cookies (KH) added, "DeMeco." +3 If I could call out some nuance in Eleven Verticals' (ON) response, he put "Consistency, and the Texans Defense," which subtly also called out the the Texans showed the least amount of defensive looks this year while also having on of the best defenses. I wonder if ON was also referring to his own consistent picking (i.e. 2nd lowest standard deviation across weekly scores). Queenbspice (CC) used the exit interview as a therapy session...

“Give a Turkey Leg Trophy to someone/something/some concept.” [PA Chime] This is your captain speaking. In the spirit of John Madden’s legendary turducken tradition, we asked the cabin to hand out a Turkey Leg Trophy to anyone -- real, fictional, conceptual -- who truly deserved a celebratory drumstick. The results were… well, exactly what you’d expect from a plane full of football fanatics, street philosophers, and one person who fears Vanderbilt Admissions more than any SEC defense. Let’s carve this bird. A Northmen (AN) Turkey Leg → Paul Tagliabue +4 A ceremonial nod to the most overlooked commissioner in NFL history. Somewhere, Tagliabue is hoping you just stop for a picture and not a hug. TEAMNAME (BR) Turkey Leg → “Joe blows” +5 I assume Joe doesn't blow, so this likely goes to all the Joe Blow's out there. [Biggie voice] Yeah… this bonus right here... this bonus i s dedicated to all the Joe Blows out there... a ll the folks who doubted, a ll the people in the...

[PA Chime] This is your captain speaking. As we approached Thanksgiving airspace, we invited passengers to quietly enter what they’re thankful for into a “totally private” box. What followed was obviously an honest, chaotic, and fully on-brand display of gratitude from our fellow pick’em travelers. A Northmen (AN):  My car. +3 Efficient. Practical. Grounded. But does it drive itself? TEAMNAME (BR):  This league. +5 And who can blame him? The spreadsheets, drama, and bonus value. Queenbspice (CC):  Stretchy pants. +4 The true MVP of November. A garment of freedom. 18 National Championships (CG):  Jesus Christ. +4 A sincere and stabilizing force. I'm sure He was there in spirit. Pure Random Cubed (CN):  A bigger coin for playoff season. +4 No mention of penny. RIP. Cuernos Largos (CT):  Pecan pie. +3 A regional treasure that can be a spiritual experience. Swamp Dogs (DR):  My dachshund Otto turns 17 this week. +5 A *very* good Swamp Dog! B...

The Pick'em plane mysteriously lands near a deserted town. The scoreboard flickers in the window like a haunted sportsbook, and wandering around are a few kids dressed as a 6-6 season. The house has a sign reading "Trick or Treat… Mostly Treat!" and a bowl full of bonus points poorly disguised as tampered wrapped candy.  There’s a knock at the door…  Knock 1 - Club Random: First up we’ve got a cluster of grapes, Run-DMC (presumably Rev Run... despite it being a very committed white guy in Adidas), and Tails (editor’s choice: from Sonic). Not far behind is someone and two minions dressed together as 7, 3, and 6. If you don't get the costume, that's the number of days Oklahoma hasn't scored a touchdown against The University of Texas. Full-size Snickers and Twix for everyone. (CC,CG+3; CN,AN+4)   Knock 2 - This is SportsCenter: The Vanderbilt Commander, Oregon Donald Duck, and Dan Wetzel carrying a case of Busch with a fat bear in tow walk into a bar. “No animal...

[PA Chime] Thiiiiiiis is your captain speaking. For our NFL Week 3 bonus we asked why doubling up Monday Night Football is the best. The cabin chimed in with answers ranging from bedtime complaints to bold mathematical proofs. We'll board in reverse order. Economy: These all felt like they belonged together. Simple, somewhat punchy one-liners that leaned on numbers, timing, or just the joy of more football. This group wasn't weighed down with heavy baggage. They just gave their quick tray-table takes.  Swamp Dogs (DR): Twice as much is always at least three times as nice. Bevo XV (DW): Two is always better than one! Unsolicited Dicker Kicks (MK): When everyone’s on prime time, no one’s on prime time. Accidentchild (MN): There's 2 games. Which is better than 1. Shot Callers (RD): More football is better! Mediocrity (RH): I get to stay up past my bedtime (maybe). Jerry’s Gerrymander-ers (KW):  It doesn’t, the second game is past my bedtime. Far Left-Handed (GN): Because I g...

From high tech means to medieval communications methods.  What's the best way to pick'em? I've grouped your answers into 5 basic categories:  Traditional Methods (Email, Snail Mail, Fax) Modern Tech (Text Message, Website/App, Satellite) Fantasy/Quirky (Owl Delivery, Bat Signal, Sign Language, Osmosis) Humorously Absurd (Carrier Pigeon, Smoke Signals, Silently, Aggressively) Non-Committal/Other (Coinflip, No Preference). Highlights From the Quirky & Absurd : Gig'em (AP) : "The Bat Signal (just make sure it can be seen around the world, not just Gotham City)" Commish : Working on the space lasers. Will get back with you. Wookie Cookies (KH) : "Parchment, written in invisible ink, delivered by owl, whose contents are only revealed by bear urine" Commish : The Rube Goldberg is pick'em updates. Beeritos (KW) : "Bounce that shit off of a satellite. Or a carrier pigeon." Commish : High tech + Medieval method = For the win! Highlights From...

Welcome to the fifth biennial Pick’em Dash Football Commish Ask Me Anything! Check out where we’ve been: P-F16: Inaugural Commish A.M.A. : Highlights include how I pick the games each week, introduced a picture of Beelzebubble's cousin that may as well be our mascot, and many questions on how this game came to be. P-F18: Second Biennial Commish A.M.A. : Lt Greg "Hipshot" Norris laid out his favorite beer, tailgate food, and when Texas will be back. Can anyone even remember when Texas wasn't back?? P-F20: Third Biennial Commish A.M.A. : Probably after 3, it can be called a tradition. This one also had some hard-hitting ketchup and mustard talk. But remember you guys -- this was our COVID year .  P-F22: Fourth Biennial Commish A.M.A. : Lots to say in this one. Hard hitting food, drink, concert, and sports commentary. Our mascot's picture makes another appearance. You’ve asked me anything four times before, and now let’s see if there is anything left in the tank for ...

Parting shots have been around as long as endings, I think. But did you know that the internet says the origin story for parting shots wasn’t about parting? More on that later. Here’s what you said during our open mic: Astros! (AP) : Seeing USC go down was all I needed, but I'll take (4) points if you're feeling generous... +4 you got it  Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO) : "You and I will meet again, When we’re least expecting it, One day in some far-off place, I will recognize your face, I won’t say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again.” – Tom Petty  They should get matching tattoos too. +3  Beelzebubbles (CC) : If i sat outside the pick-em offices with a red kettle and a bell- could i get more points that way? I have venmo and cashapp now if that helps?  I cannot be bought (is something I have to type in a space like this) +3  18 National Championships (CG) : Show me the entry fee, aka show me the money G!!!  For the record, you sent this before...

By simply being a part of this league, you've distinguished yourself as a critical thinker and someone of exquisite taste. Given your high standards, you are bound to be disappointed now and then. Sometimes, the disappointments are personal. "My picks." - Cornholio's Bunghole (BO)  +4 Sometimes it is with the teams we support. "Seeing UT ebb and flow" - accidentchild  (MN) +3 "Losing" - A Northmen (AN) +3 "(ew)ers" - Sixteen & One +3 Sometimes, it's that plus not having enough to watch in a living room full of TVs. "It's 2022 and I still can't stream LHN with a dedicated subscription." - Left Hand Scissors (GN)  +3 Guess that dream will never be fulfilled. Speaking of dreams, at least I didn't hand any of you a blank Pick'em Dash Football Championship plaque. "Texas A&M by far!" - Astros! (AP)  +3 "My Aggies.  '#1 Recruiting Class' to '#1 WTFs?'" - Huntwick Hosers (...

When will the SEC become the only college football brand? Do conferences (more or less) make football (more or less) better? In our current connected world with steaming television, social media, and pick’em leagues communicating over emails and blogs, I’d say conferences aren’t that important. When you combine the memories of the SWC and the Big 8, you saw we got a new conference that meant less to those members and nothing to almost anywhere else. And sometimes your parents make you play with the weird kid too, and he grows up with the confidence to murder, rape, and shiplap his people. What now? Texas and Oklahoma made the same decision a dozen schools did before them, but I’d argue neither of those schools cares much about the destination, as long as it isn’t another conference graveyard.  Whether you’ve convinced yourself yet or not, continuing the traditional conference model works against the natural order of solidarity and sporting merit. How about instead of political and ...

Losing baseball season isn’t like losing football, but it can still be a difficult event for some. While we are deprived of baseball season’s physical presence, we can still reconcile -- you know what, we’ll figure it out. Below are some ways you are honoring the memory or just moving right along. Sleep Astros! (AP): “Go to sleep on time during the week!” (3)  -- apparently you aren’t into MACtion Beelzebubbles (CC): “Now I can get some decent sleep during the work week” (3) More time for football 18 National Championships (CG): “Plenty of football and golf” (2) Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK): “MACtion!” (4) -- yes! Holiday, celebrate! Masks [ON]/OFF (RH): “Fried turkey, gravy and pie, oh my!!” (5) -- love this answer Swamp Dogs (DR): “Christmas!!! Put up that tree!” (3) Any (other) sport will do A Northmen (AN): “bout time to focus on the real sport, table tennis!!” (4) -- feels like a baseball slight T-Horns Fall (AM): “Water polo season is here” (4)  -- I'm on to you guys ...

It’s a mad world. Let’s parse out some good. Everyone gets POSITIVE bonus scores! (One thing though. I forgot to add “in the NFL” to my bonus question, but maybe you guys behaved yourselves) A Northmen (AN): “Brittney's dad will no longer be her conservator! #freebritney” She went on with a bunch of crap about TSwift, but I’ll spare you. On Brit, of course, she should have the right the fk up her life. That’s great news! +4 T-Horns (AM): “Matt Jones developing earlier than expected.” Wait, are we talking about Mac Jones? +2? Astros! (AP): “OU/Texas coming to the SEC!” This is great news. See what happened is Texas got in OU’s head, then Texas “Trojan Horsed” their themselves in the SEC, where Texas will then ruin the SEC from the inside. +3 Buddy the Chimp (BC): “Bananas.” Buddy, you get bananas all the time. Dream bigger. +3 Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “Just destroying America is not enough for Joe Biden, so he destroyed Afghanistan. I wonder what country will be ne...

Many times you can’t control what happens to you, but you can always control your reaction to what’s happening. Everybody, even Alabama fans, deals with setbacks. How do wrap your head around a place like College Station? The answer is a positive attitude. I struggle with depression nearly every year in mid-October, but I’ve learned to look at the better side of these events. Someone on the internet may say a positive attitude will cure disease. If it can do that, then it can no doubt lead to better picks. This was your goal this week, and we practiced on the universally loved but historically disappointed Longhorns and Sooners. Are the Longhorns hurting inside? Secretly. The Sooners? If money can’t buy you love, then do you think wins can? It is hate week for Sooners and Longhorns. Since all the fans will be filled with hate, say something nice to one or both of the fan bases. Positive Leadership A Northmen (AN) – “Thank you for putting the horns down, it means you hate us m...

Pick hesitancy is real, and the so-called sports experts have littered the internet and media airwaves with misinformation. Need further proof, authorities in Vegas were only correct on 26.67% of picks affecting our league. But there is hope. Astronaut Jeff Bezos is rumored to be developing a vaccine that, during phase one testing, is improving picks in adult humans and chimps to 40+%. As an added benefit, Bezos is including a proprietary and permanent gene-modified signature that will apply Prime Savings to everything you purchase. Given the proven weakness of our collective picks and the inability to trust Vegas authorities, will irrationality and cynicism rooted in our trust of numbers keep us from getting jabbed en masse? We asked around the league to find out. PRIME NOW Some were clearly exited. We found A Northmen (ANo) camped outside the Amazon clinic with an “In Prime We Trust!” tshirt (2) . Rabid football fan Astros! (AP) and Swamp Dogs (DR) both yelled from their clinic ta...

What did you regret with the passing of the regular season? I’m here to care for you as we move on to the after-season, and I will provide you comfort for each of your regrets. Huntwick Hosers (KW): “I regret that I picked so poorly.” – But hopefully your picks were as rich in spirits as mine were. The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): “I regret believing the Horns’ hype. Again.” Accidentchild (MN): “I regret picking Texas too much.” – Texas covered against Oklahoma, and every real fan knows covering against your rival is all that matters. Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “Duh... I regret that I didn't win one week!!” Cockypantherfan (SZ): “I regret not winning.” – Some will tell you that winning isn’t everything. A millennial may tell you that we are all winners. It means most to me that you wanted to win. 17 National Championships (CG)” “No regrets bro!!!” – Yeah! I Look Good On Top (BF): “No regrets....ever.” – YEAH! Commodore Nation (KH): “No regerts!” – YYE oohh, oh no. ...

Kyler Murray is so crappy. "How crappy is he?" you say. I'm glad you asked. Ok look. Kyler isn't actually crappy. Most of us would trade places, and we'd be doing a way sh!ttier Kyler than Kyler is doing. But just like we've always viewed sports, and how the Internet has quickly devolved: Everything is either the worst or the best. Kyler is rich, talented, and people genuinely love him. However for a brief moment in P-F NFL Week 7, we will take a look at just how crappy Kyler Murray is. Just remember to keep your head up Kyler, there are tons of footprints in your sand. Like, literally crappy: (+4) Gigem! (AP): He's a little shitty >> It's like you are afraid of commitment Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Crappier than a newborn's diaper. >> also, little shits Cockypantherfan (SZ): So crappy he leaves shit stains in his underwear >> yeah butt who doesn't General Wartz (JM): Pretty stinky >> like yesterday...

I think know that we all have a little Baker Mayfield crush. Do not deny it. Everyone is either (1) a huge Baker fanatic or (2) a closet Baker lover. You cannot convince me otherwise. What kind of Baker fan are you? (1) Baker fanatics: SoonerTheBetter (BL): Baker-is-the-greatest-QB-in-college-history-and-will-take-Tom-Brady's-place-as- the-greatest-of-all-time-in-the-NFL. That kind of fan. Word up. I’m sure you’ll find no arguments here. +4 Shake and Baker (JN): I was the biggest of Baker fan until my wife informed me she would leave me for him. You need to support your wife. She’s good people. +3 Beelzebubbles (CC): Like, i love love him. Like his underwear modeling is my rotating background. He's the total package. +4 Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Well, I'm straight, so I can't be a closet Baker lover. I must be a Baker fanatic. Love is not logical. Love is irrational. You get it. +3 The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Dangerous Move over Queen ...