Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Official 2016 Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Post

Dear Pickers,

I would like to announce my candidacy for the office of commissioner of picking things in the upcoming 2016 football season.

As a longtime maker of decisions, and a self-proclaimed commissioner of football picks for fourteen years, I consider myself very fortunate to be able to preach these successes on the world wide web. My concentration and vision have kept me alive for some time now. And I’ve seen some stuff you guys. That stuff is depressing and offensive, and all I want to do now is use “progress” in this sentence.

Now, more than ever, I think it’s time… it’s time to keep mostly the same blood, mostly the same faces, mostly the same thinking, and most importantly, some Pickem Dash Football Dot Com action.
It’s also time to review our rules; our constitution if you will. In order to achieve personal picking growth, we must adopt a radically conservative and progressive avant-garde approach to avoid all of the bad stuff and capture all of the good stuff. I think we are on the same page here.

Pickem Dash Football consists of 4 games: 2 regular-season and 2 post-season games. Regular season pick’em games are the following:

  • NCAA: 15 games to pick per week. Picks are against the spread. I provide the odds for each game.
  • NFL: 14-16 (all) NFL games per week. These picks are straight up. That means no spread and you are picking winners.

I send these picks to you via a link to a Google Form. It’s easy and you can even vote from your phone.

On the game card for each week's NCAA and NFL games, I may include optional bonus questions (like the annual Thanksgiving side dish bonus). While these won't increase your score for the regular-season games, the "points" are collected and used to give you an advantage in the post-season games. Bonus points are also given to weekly winners, for paying your entry fee early, and for some other random stuff I make up along the way.

The post season games are the following:

  • NCAA FBS Bowl Games: All the bowls (41? I've lost count). Picked confidence pool style. Straight up (no spread).
  • NFL Playoff Games. All the games (11). Picked week-to-week against the spread.

The impact of your picks on the Pickem Dash Football environment will be visible for you, your children, and your children’s children via a website. Maximize the utilization of our website while minimizing your other work to create the biggest impact.

Your Pick’em commissioner’s job should be to ensure your picks’ safety, promote a positive digital space for picks to live in, and stimulate the people to make the best choices. Tom Brady once said, “Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations.” It is pretty clear Tom’s situation is filled with good picks.

We play in a remarkable league that is filled with talented and educated people who share a deep appreciation to the great picking opportunities that football gives us. You have what it takes to sustain greatness and thrive. It’s time.

- G$ for commissioner

Saturday, January 9, 2016

P-F15: NFL Playoff Pick'em Challenge, Part 1

There are* times in all of our lives when we need a new beginning. Maybe you failed to place in a regular season contest. Perhaps you let your mind drift when you saw that monster of a bowl card. Now you feel far from a master picker. Previous disappointments may have caused you to drift from picking. You need a new beginning.

But is it even possible? And if it is, where do you start? The thought of a new beginning is scary, because you don't want to risk another pick'em failure.

But you aren't content. Your soul needs to pick. You could make the difficult and perilous journey to the promise land, OR you could just click a few boxes and wager some points! Because. You. Are. A. Human. Being.

Forget Babylon. It is a pile of rubble. How about couch and computer. You earned this chance by joining at the beginning of the season. Follow me now.

* I had a college English teacher in college that failed our papers if we started a sentence with "there are" or "there is." Well BAM -- look at me now!

Click on the picks below to make it bigger. Depending on your browser, you may also need to right click and "view image" to be able to zoom.

updated 1/24/16 8:54 PM CST

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

P-F15: Week 13 Bonus - Pick'em Dash Football's Turkey Leg Awards

Pee Wee Sperman

Plan B pill because we
all know NFL players need to stop popping out kids

OK. One
leg to Plan B.


The Guru

On a personal note, a
shout out to my wife for completing a half marathon!

turkey leg to The Guru's wife.


A Northmen

Turkey Leg to Johnny
Football for keeping out of trouble and staying first string....oh
wait..what...never mind. Turkey Leg to the Comish for getting the card out on
time (yup, not against brown nosing)

browned turkey leg.





Mine goes to the man
who created the 99 Grand Parkway. I know it wasnt a woman because the road is
super curvy!!

turkey leg to super curvy women. No turkey legs to converting roads to toll.


15 National

Turkey leg to JFB for
being the largest jackass to ever step on the football field.

Incognito gets a 2nd turkey leg.



Kubiak. Just because.

Ugh. OK.
One turkey leg to Kubes.


Tannesaurus Rex

Browns head coach for
overreacting. :)

legs to all (new franchise) Browns head coaches!



Double D

Swamp Dawgs

Les Miles. You have to
give props to a man who can get fired and take $15 million with him

leg to that goofy mf'er, Les Miles.



Turkey legs for the
turkeys in congress

turkey leg for Congress. They can figure out how to get it served.



Turkey Leg Award goes
to the best lip syncing artist during the Macy's Day parade

A turkey
leg to the sound guy.


Left Hand Scissors

Pimp Possee


A turkey
leg to you, sir.


The Velvet Neutral

My turkey leg award
goes to Johnny Football aka Johnny Used Car Salesman. With a side of douche gravy.

likes legs.


Lost Cause

Tony Romo and Dez
Bryant back together and turning the Cowboys around!

A turkey
leg to lost causes.


Naked Bootleggers

Bill F*cking O'Brien's
Juice is Loose

The Commish, nuff said

I love
turkey legs


I got nothing

Beer. Always the MVP

legs and beer.


Home Team Confusers

Fallout 4

leg to "where did the day go?"


Geaux JJ

Brownie Points

Peyton's Ponies

the turkey themselves,
by allowing us to use this day and bird as not only an excellent meal but
also as a symbol to get together with family and friends and hang out
together and bring back old times.

Also I'm sure the turkey would be pumped to get it's leg back.

A turkey
leg for your answer too.



The Donald!

for turkeys




Pickem commish for
taking time out to score all of this stuff. Seriously, I have trouble finding
the time to respond to simple, open-ended bonus questions with (presumably)
no wrong answer.

there is no wrong answer, I will take that turkey leg.


Alexandria Cyclones

6-pack of Genesee
Cream Ale

like gravy to the turkey leg.



P-F15: Week 11 NFL Bonus - Tell Me Something Good

open-ended bonus question. Tell me something good.
Wee Sperman
a blowjob from your best friend's hot mom... OK. I wouldn't know, but I suppose that could be pretty good… if you were a teenager. I'm not really into my friend's moms anymore +3
Angry Tom Brady on my fantasy football team An angry Tom Brady is good. +4
There is enough DNA in an average person's body to stretch from the sun to Pluto 17 times....little known fact ;-) Nerd. +4
Gig'em Only 2 weeks til Thanksgiving! That woulda been good to read back then. +3
chicainery My wife had our baby last night. If that's not worth the full bonus, I don't know what would be! Pictures or it didn't happen. +6
Beelzebubbles I have stopped fighting the battle of the bulge and decided to embrace my inner and outer chubby girl and love me for me. Fat is where its at yo! Loving yourself is super good. +5
National Championships
Well, the Aggies are a dumpster fire.

And so are the Texans and Saints.

But... BAMA is still keeping things interesting for this kid and...

I get to be a full on fat ass in about two weeks.
That's all good, except the Texans part. +4
Bey Levain Bakery cookies. Delicious. Cookies are really good. +4
The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. I guess that is good. +4
Cactie Not good. +0
Not good at all. +0 
If this presidential thing ends up Trump vs Clinton I have options:

A. Kill my DirectTV subscription

B. Move to Sweden and assume another name

C. Wait for the Trump vs Clinton special election cage match on TNT

Which do I do?
The answer is D (D?), all of the above. +4
DirtBurglars Free beer! Free beer is the best kind of beer. Free sushi on the other
hand, beware.
Over under on wins to win the AFC South: 6.5 Over is good. +3
Hand Scissors
Not so good. +0 
Tell me something good...ah baby baby baby ahhh!
Yessir. +6
Velvet Neutral Ground
We're one step closer to never, ever having to stop drinking alcohol.
Good gracious. +5
Christmas is about a month and a half away!! Naughty or good? +3
The Norris legacy will continue as my wife is having a boy! Congrats. And what a legacy it has been. +4
F*cking O'Brien's Juice is Loose
I'm every woman I can read your thoughts right now, every one from A to Z +3
got nothing
You know what's good?

You know what's gooder? Free beer. (see above) +3
Team Confusers
....Oooh Baby baby baby yeeeaaahhhhh...oooohh, oh, tell me tell me tell...... You know that's good. Original version good. +5
Not good. +0 
Also not good. +0
-Thanksgiving right around the corner with stuffing and turkey and pumpkin pie.

-Also the surprise divide in the NFL standings, either you're really good or you're not. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but all well it's interesting.
All good. +4
AccidentChild Cowboys when romo is back Nope, still not that good. +3
SayMyName Brisket and Beer So stinking good. +5
BlitzKrieg Less good. +0
It's a nice day outside. Always good. +3