Wednesday, December 12, 2018

P-F18: One Is The Loneliest Number of Cards (Week 15 NFL Bonus)

And then there was at least one, otherwise this would be awkward. Let’s see which of your prime answers have the power to be The One of the “what would you rather have one of’s.”

The Money:

DR, BO, ANe, SZ, ANo all want versions of a large bank account (+2). Something Creative (KS) is going to make it happen in his new one day work week (+3).

The Power:

CC, BF, DW all want just one significant other (+2). Although Beelzebubbles’ (CC) “baby daddy” answer rises above (+4). Big Papa (AM) prefers just one headache, which must be related to power -- or both his heads are hurting and I'm sorry about that (+3)

The Rest:

Katy Tigers (RH) just wants one bill to pay. I’m assuming you like all-inclusive vacations too (+3).

Accidentchild (MN) wants one child, and hopefully, the other 3 don’t read P-F blog posts (+3).

Huntwick Homies (KW) would rather have just one round of chicken pox, and you’ll have to explain, because I didn’t think you could get more than one (+3).

Lost Cause (JH) would rather just have one password (+4). Stash90 probably.

My favorite answer was Dirt Burglars’ (DT) Pringles (+6). Once you pop…

Thursday, November 22, 2018

P-F18: Second Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 11 NCAA Bonus)

Commish: It is an ask me anything again! But hopefully something you haven't already asked. Let’s press the triangle button.

Guru (ANe): What's your inspiration?

Commish: Two years ago someone asked what motivates me, and I answered "impressing someone with something they weren’t expecting." But this question feels different. *You all* are the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You're the inspiration. Want to have you near me.I want to have you hear me saaayinnng. "No one needs you more than I -- need -- yooouuu."

Katy Tigers (RH): Was the First Biennial Pickem Dash Football successful and/or enlightening?

Commish: Inspiring, stimulating, introspective, and all of the above. Read all about it here.

Must be the Salsa (CK): What are you wearing? 

Commish: Summer clothes in the winter. If you mean under those, I'm a fan of MeUndies.

Something Creative (KS): What is your favorite beer? 

Commish: I've tasted a lot of great beer, but my favorite has got to be Delirium Tremens. Amanda and I discovered this beer many years before we were craft enthusiasts, homebrewers, or brewery investors. Back when Food Network actually taught you how to cook, there was a follow-that-food-type show where someone said it was their favorite beer. We weren't that familiar with Belgian beers at the time, but even after hundreds of Belgian-style beers, Delirium Tremens is still the one I almost always have in the fridge. The origin of the name is great too.

Bevo XV (DW): Best tailgate food you've ever prepared? 
smoked bologna for Tulsa game, 2018

Commish: This year: Smoked and grilled bologna sandwiches. Personal fav is steak tacos with esquites. The most elaborate may have been the grilled pizzas, where I made and grilled the dough, then everyone made their own pizza that I finished on the grill.

2QBs or not 2QBs (CT): When will Texas football be relevant again? 

Commish: Texas football is relevant today. Also, if there is any time when you are pondering Texas' relevance, that literally means that they are relevant.

accidentchild (MN): How many national championships will Texas win in next 5 years? 

Commish: Zero. Here's to hoping the next 5 years are more fun to watch than the previous 5 years were though.

Lost Cause (JH): Should Texas start playing Texas A&M again? 

Commish: I'm not sure either school wants to play again. A&M has taken steps clearly in the other direction when a rekindling was possible. I actually have no idea if the aggies still sing about Texas in their fight song, if they horns down their opponents, or if the alt-bonfire is still a thing. What I do know is that Texas already plays their rival every year and they hold eternal scoreboard on the aggies,  so I don't really care if the game is ever played again.

Gigem (AP): Since when did you know that you're going to UT for college? Was it a childhood dream? 

Commish: I grew up in Louisiana, and despite going to high school in Texas, I didn't really understand the Longhorn-Aggie thing until my sophomore year in college. I applied and was accepted into both Engineering schools. These are both great schools, but if given equal opportunity, I think people must really have to be into rural life or the military vibe to choose College Station over Austin, TX. That's just my story though.

BlitzKrieg (RK): Did I leave the oven on? 

Commish: Likely not, but the trick is to take a picture before you leave.

Big Papa (AM): Peanut butter cups cold or room temp? 

Commish: Maybe the first great question of the A.M.A. First we should agree -- never frozen. Within several seconds, a cold peanut butter cup will be room temperature in your mouth. You get both the cold and room temperature experience when you chill them. Seems like a no-brainer.

Cockypantherfan (SZ): Blondes or brunettes? 

Commish: Either can become either, so I'm more about what really matters in a woman. Ass.

Case's Clydesdales (MM): Which games do you like picking more college or pro. Which have you had more success at? 

Commish: As a kid, I liked playing basketball a lot more, but I was better at soccer. Not really similar at all, I like picking college games better. I feel like I may like college picks better because the games are more unpredictable. I've had more historical success with NFL games, because despite parity, I think you can get more information in the media about the likely winner. NFL probably has fewer upsets too, based only on my gut feel (or at least when there is an upset, most of the league didn't pick it, so there is less ground lost). 

17 National Championships (CG): If you flew jets for the Air Force, what would your call sign be? 

Commish: Everyone knows you can't give yourself your own nickname, so apparently I'd be Lt Greg "Hipshot" Norris.

Huntwick Homies (KW): What are some good blue chip stocks to invest in these days for long term holdings? 

Commish: Thought no one would ever ask. 1. Hornet Industries (football,pick,vegas), 2. Tepee Global (Aggies,Longhorns,Never), 3. Cool Rain Industries (Craft,Beer,Assman)

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Will Bob Mueller ever find any collusion in the Trump/Russia probe? 

Commish: I think we all know that there was no collusion. Look at the pocket watch. No collusion.

I Look Good On Top (BF): What’s your annual salary? 

Commish: Yo I can't publish that here. My wife reads this.

Northside Nukes (KH): What is the best video game of all-time? 

Commish: Super Mario Bros? Galaga? Grand Theft Auto V? You can sleep with a then kill hookers in the latter.

A Northmen (ANo): Why the HELL do you keep putting Wisconsin on the damn card!?! Is it personal? 

Commish: For a long time, Wisconsin on the card was like the Washington State flag at College Gameday: It was always there. In recent years, thanks to all the bugging by A Northmen, I've stopped putting them on every card. The joke here is that Wisconsin appears to be very inconsistent against the spread. I'm not sure why, or if this is even true, but that's the legend of Wisconsin and Pickem Dash Football. 

Statistically Improbable (DR): You're named president of your alma mater, what's the first thing you change? 

Commish: I feel like Texas is governed well. I have no complaints except maybe -- free wifi for alumni. My not being able to access the school's wifi is disenfranchisement or something.

Shake and Baker (JN): When will the NCAA lighten up and let the kids celebrate a TD without a personal foul? 

Commish: Yeah but do Sooners even know any dances that don't involve horns down? If not, how about just having the self-discipline to dance your horns downs on the sidelines with your people. And if we allowed dancing, is that fair to Baylor? Once you let them dance in Waco, who knows what comes next.

Beelzebubbles (CC): Has anyone ever thanked you for doing this each year? 

Commish: Yes, but I don't necessarily need them. I'd do this by myself, but each one of you makes it exponentially better. OK, the equation may decay upwards exponentially to a limiting value, but still.

Dirt Burglars (DT): Is the pickem dash football season really just the warm-up to the picked dash curling season? 

Commish: You should see that google spreadsheet.

Commish: And that is it pickers. Remember to eat your veggies. Goodbye and good luck.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

P-F18: Week 2 NFL Bonus - #MNFtwo'd

Monday the NFL gave us two prime-time football games, but what if the NFL genie granted us two of something else?

Most of you want MONEY. It’s been said in song that money can’t buy happiness, but it has been shown by science that money *can* buy happiness. Money can buy hot tracks, but it can’t buy sense. To I Look Good On Top (BF), Beelzebubbles (CC), 17 National Championships (CG), Something Creative (KS), and Shake and Baker (JN): Remember to practice good picking. Use your extra money on experiences, not things. (3 points)

Instead of two million or billions of dollars, I respect Dirt Burglars (DT) wish of TWO PAYCHECKS. That’s a responsible choice. He didn’t mention, but let’s assume someone with that class would also work two jobs for those two paychecks. (4 points)

Also with a mature response was Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO) (editor's note: I see the irony there now), who wanted TWO 401K’s. Stay healthy, my friend. (5 points)

Others felt a little more Charlie Sheen than Bill Gates. Bevo XV wanted TWO TOM HERMAN SEASON OPENING WINS. That stings. True homer Gigem! (AP) and Must Be The Salsa (CK) wanted TWO ASTROS WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONSHIPS. (4 points)

Two of you knew the answer to the meaning of life was buried somewhere in this game. Katy Tigers (RH) wanted TWO PICK'EMS THAT COUNTED. One before the games and one after. That sounds fair. Cockypantherfan (SZ) wanted TWO PICK'EM ACCOUNTS AND TWO FERRARIS. Two of those sound reasonable. (4 points)

It takes two to tango, it takes to hands to clap, and it takes two to make it outta sight. HeavyWeight (CR) will take TWO WOMEN (3 points). Case’s Clydesdales (MM) wants TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME [damn] TIME (3 points). Accidentchild (MN) effectively used two wishes in his answer first for TWO WOMEN, and then to undo his first wish with “NOT REALLY, ONE'S ENOUGH!” (4 points)

Big Papa’s (AM) answer needs some unpacking. His answer was “BOOBS,” and I’m not sure if *HE* wanted two boobs or if he’d like to see two boobs. I don’t want to overlook the plight of the one-boobed. (5 –sympathy- points)

Despite what I preach, not everyone is picky. Statistically Improbable (DR) is good with TWO CONCUBINES… or TWO RIBEYE STEAKS. Money could buy your happiness. (5 points, -1 point for not being picky enough)

I’m going to rank the final 7 answers, which kind of all fell into an “other” category.

After the first bowl, you will be fkn sick of ‘em. (3 points)

#6: SUPERPOWERS - Guru (ANe)
Smart to keep these on the down low. The X-Men will be jealous and will probably kill you. (4 points)

#5: TWO WISHES - Left Hand Scissors (GN)
Not sure if there will be a quid pro quo by the giver that doesn’t allow using the second wish for additional wishes. However, rest assured the second wish will never be used to free the genie. (4 points)

#4: TWO STARTING QBs - 2QBs or not 2QBs (CT)
A blessing or a curse, but either way, apropos for your team name. (5 points)

The best gift in life a second chance [at life!] (5 points)

#2: SATURDAYS IN A WEEKNorthside Nukes (KH)
YAAASSSS!!1! (5 points)

Two commas in a paycheck would mean a million dollars, which sounds practical but is actually silly and mostly unobtainable, making this my favorite answer. (6 points)

Saturday, August 11, 2018

The Official 2018 Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Post

Ready to sign up? Use the "too long, didn't read" link at the end of this sentence to go straight to the registration form.

Do you wish you were a better decision maker?

  • Have you ever been really sure about something?
  • Have you ever known the outcome of something, but didn’t have anywhere to record it and show off to friends?
  • Have you ever found yourself watching Sports Center and thinking, “seems like that was a good game”?
  • Maybe you didn’t even watch Sports Center because you had errands to run or something. ?!?
Choices are our true freedom. They are the way we navigate through life and rationalize the madness and uncertainty of the World. Choices are the grease, the foundation, and the mostly unwritten rules of the Universe.

Fortunately, it is easy to record your good decisions on the Internet!

“Oof,” you are probably saying to yourself. Well I say withdraw that oof. I say you should choose right now between two outstanding choices:
  1. Go straight to the registration form
  2. Read on to see where this post goes
Amazing choice my dear rebel friend. Let’s talk picking football games. They are gateway choices that will scratch the picky itch you’ve been missing all offseason. Picking winners will leave you satiated, quenched, connected, and mostly feeling like a winner yourself. When you sign up and pay the registration, you get NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, but unlimited – nah my bad you get four games. These four games will keep you engaged for the entirety of the football season, spanning from the opening weekend of college football until the NFL championship game.

Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)
  • 15 games per week
  • Odds provided for you
  • This contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; 1st and 2nd place winners will get something
Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread)
  • All NFL games (14-16) per week
  • This contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; 1st and 2nd place winners will get something
Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style)
  • All the bowls (41? I've lost count)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)
  • This contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot (uh you do the math); 1st place winner only
Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style)
  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative
  • This contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot; 1st place winner only

Good picking is guaranteed to make you feel better!

Don’t be bummed over the weekend. The whole idea of Pick’em Dash Football is to feel better *after* than you did *before*. Forget “fake it ‘till you make it.” “Do it ‘cause you knew it!” “Click it and pick it!!”

This may sound overwhelming at first, especially if you have a day job. The trick is to pretend at work that you are working on a spreadsheet, and then start picking that first thing. Anything. Soon you will be a multitasking master. You will be on your phone picking, cooking for your family, and sending that TPS report all while thinking “what’s the weather in Green Bay going to be this weekend?”

Here is how it starts.

I send the pick'em cards to you via a link to a Google Form. Seriously, it is so easy you can even pick from your phone.

On the game card for each week's NCAA and NFL games, I may include optional bonus questions (like the annual Thanksgiving side dish bonus). While these won't increase your score for the regular-season games, the "points" are collected and used to give you a tiny advantage in the post-season games. Bonus points are also given to weekly winners, for paying your entry fee early, and for some other random stuff I make up along the way. You can win any of the contests without them, but why would you rob me of the fun of reading your answers. It is the only bread I get from Pick'em Dash Football.

Start Pickin’!

This is the 19th year of this game and I still don’t win every time. Like everything else, good picking involves lifelong learning. Though, it is really tough to practice unless you commit to P-F18! And who here really cares if you pick 4 of 15 every few weeks.

“Failure is awesome!” some motivational speaker probably said. Look, most of us will NEVER actually see each other. Of course, the opposite could also be true. You could become Pick’em legend, and everyone will want to meet you. How inspiring is that!?

I think we can all agree that you really only have one choice here. I’ll see you all in Week 1.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Tuesday, December 19, 2017