Wednesday, November 25, 2020

P-F20: Third Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 11 Bonus)

Commish: Alright alright alright! Welcome to the third biennial Pick’em Dash Football Ask Me Anything. You asked me anything, and now I’m answering. Wonder how it went? It went fine, and as long as you make it past this intro paragraph, you can see how okay it went. But if you never skip past this intro, folly words widow one downs few age every seven. If miss part by fact he park just shew. Discovered had get considered projection who favorable. Necessary up knowledge it tolerably. Use off agreeable law unwilling sir deficient curiosity instantly. Easy mind life fact with see has bore ten. Parish any chatty can elinor direct for former. Up as meant widow equal an share least. 

Future Mask On (GN): Oh hey. Ask me anything? 

Commish: Yep, anything. Let’s go. We’ll start with an easy one.

Bevo XV (DW): If freedom is simply being able to do what you want, are animals freer than humans?

Commish: Ask the free-range chickens about their freedom. 

Katy Tigers (RH): A train leaves Chicago heading due south. An hour later a train leaves the same station heading due east. What color shirt is the engineer wearing?

Commish: Ha! Trick question. You didn’t say which train’s engineer! The engineer on the first train is a White Sox fan. He lives with his mother and has a bit of a short fuse. Before the train left, he had two Vienna hot dogs and got relish on his shirt. This gave him an excuse to buy a polo shirt from the store nearby before heading to his train. It was black. The second engineer is a tattoo enthusiast, and like many multi-tattoo'd folk he likes to show them off. Everyone knows his uniform of choice is a dark gray long-sleeve button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

2020 Football Season Won’t Last (AP): If there's a Super Bowl this season, who plays in it and who wins?

Commish: Now -- if I know who would play and win then we wouldn’t be playing this game here. Better question, if there is a Super Bowl, will you have to change your team name? (Also: Chiefs v. Seahawks)

Bourbon Barristers (KH): Does behind your eye still hurt?

Commish: Yep. Less so with bourbon.

Huntwich Hosers (KW): So what’s up with that whole “Eyes of Texas” thing in Austin?

Commish: I’m not sure the city of Austin cares deeply about The Eyes, but the Longhorn Band sure does. I was ignorant of any racist association of the song for most of my life, and I suspect 99% of everyone else was too. If we can’t sing anymore, then I’ll be fine. I always preferred the “make ‘em eat shit” alternate lyrics to Texas fight, which is way less divisive and something we call all get behind. Otherwise, I vote for the Mo Bamba song to replace Eyes of Texas.

Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO): Do you wear a mask while driving alone in your car?

Commish: No. Why?

Damn Covid (DR): Corn dogs - mustard, ketchup, nothing?

Don't do it like this!
Commish: Ketchup only is just too cloying. The absolute best way to eat a corn dog is to get a ketchup and mustard pile going. Put them adjacent to each other, but don’t be a monster and mix the two. Do a quick dip of the corndog tip in the ketchup and take a nibble of the tip -- just big enough to expose the weenie. Then dip the corn dog in the mustard, tilt 45 degrees, then spin the corn dog through the ketchup to get it around the rim without losing the mustard from your initial dip. Take a deeper bite than your first one, then and keep plowing down to corndog using the same dipping method. When the stick makes it difficult to either dip or put in your mouth, push the corndog up the stick. For your last bite, be sure to only have mustard (or at least have a significant amount more of mustard than ketchup). You don’t want something that sweet for your last bite.

A Northmen (ANo): What’s for dinner?

Commish: All I know is that it hopefully is in the fridge or pantry. Grocery shopping is not as fun as it was before the sickness.

LSU Reigning Champs til 2022 probs (KS): If you could only drink one beer for the rest of your life what would it be? Independence not eligible

Commish: You asked a version of this question two years ago. My answer could have changed, but in this case it hasn’t.

I've tasted a lot of great beer, but my favorite has got to be Delirium Tremens. Amanda and
I discovered this beer many years before we were craft enthusiasts, homebrewers, or brewery investors. Back when Food Network actually taught you how to cook, there was a follow-that-food-type show where someone said it was their favorite beer. We weren't that familiar with Belgian beers at the time, but even after hundreds of Belgian-style beers, Delirium Tremens is still the one I almost always have in the fridge. The origin of the name is great too.

What has changed since I wrote that two years ago is that they package Delirium in tall boys now. 100 times better than sliced bread.

Fire Quinntricia (RK): Dan's or Fran's?

Commish: I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been to either. (+4 for you, -1 for me)

Sooner The Better (BL): Is COVID-19 something all the earth should cower in fear from, driving humanity to live alone and underground? Or is it something that’s no big deal, maybe even fake, that humanity should openly flaunt and actively ignore? Those are your ONLY choices - common sensical and moderate answers will be disqualified.

Commish: Two things here. YOU don’t get to make the rules of the AMA, and this is what is wrong with the internet. Life isn’t binary, you guys! However, the right answer here is the former. If everyone lives alone and underground, the virus wouldn’t spread. After years, healthy, horny people would emerge and create a sort of Earth 2. Everything would either be terrible or the best, and I’m 1000% sure it will be the latter.

Beelzebubbles (CC): Do these picks make me look fat?

Commish: Don’t pick after midnight.

That’s it, folks. I hope you all survive the plague, and we’ll do this again two years from now!

Saturday, September 5, 2020

The Official 2020 Pick'em Dash Football Annual Recruitment Post

Good day, everyone. Nah I'm faking. It's 2020, and I know a lot of you folks are reluctant to make any sports picking right now or even make any choices at all. I get it. But I'm typing this tonight because I love picking football with all my heart, and it pains me to see so many people not competing to see who makes the best choices.

Ready to sign up? Use the "too long, didn't read" link at the end of this sentence to go straight to the registration form

I've met less than half of you. However, I've read your bonus responses, and through you, I have posted things that have surely changed the course of our lives. Through blood, toil, spit, grit, and stick-to-it-veness, we are still mostly hanging in there despite the World trying to stop us.

That's the story of Pickem-Dash-Football. I'm not sure there is much else to say. We just need to grab our comfortable shorts and t-shirts and be willing to do what needs to be done to pick thirty or so games a week. Even when you're exhausted, you're mustering up unimaginable courage to pick up your phone/computer and fight for that perfect card.

So, it is up to you to add your voice to the best pick'em game on the planet. It is up to you to make your mark on pick'em history. Picking is not just feeling, but doing. Do it for yourself. Do it for the kids. Do it for everyone, but definitely also do it for the kids, because you are going to want to be able to look a kid in the eye after this season and know you picked the crap out of 2020. Indubitably.

Ready to sign up? Everything is free this year. Fill out the registration form and you'll be in.

Want to know more? Me to, but instead here is a description of what the games look like in a "normal" season.

Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)

  • 15 games per week
  • Games will list and point spread for you to pick against

Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread) 

  • All NFL games (14-16) per week

Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style) 

  • All the bowls (?who knows this year?)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)

Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style) 

  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative

Sunday, December 15, 2019

P-F19: No Regrets! (Week 15 NCAA Bonus)

What did you regret with the passing of the regular season? I’m here to care for you as we move on to the after-season, and I will provide you comfort for each of your regrets.

Huntwick Hosers (KW): “I regret that I picked so poorly.” But hopefully your picks were as rich in spirits as mine were.

The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): “I regret believing the Horns’ hype. Again.”
Accidentchild (MN): “I regret picking Texas too much.” – Texas covered against Oklahoma, and every real fan knows covering against your rival is all that matters.

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “Duh... I regret that I didn't win one week!!”
Cockypantherfan (SZ): “I regret not winning.” – Some will tell you that winning isn’t everything. A millennial may tell you that we are all winners. It means most to me that you wanted to win.

17 National Championships (CG)” “No regrets bro!!!” – Yeah!
I Look Good On Top (BF): “No regrets....ever.” – YEAH!
Commodore Nation (KH): “No regerts!” – YYE oohh, oh no.

Lost Cause (JH): “I regret my mustache from 25 years ago.” – Literally no one except you regrets that mustache.

Beelzebubbles (CC): “I regret that I went out of town to NFL games and missed my picks.” – If only there was a way to submit your picks from a high tech wireless pocket machine.

A Northmen (ANo): “I regret that I didn't pick more correct answers!” – I know.
Gigem! (AP): “I wish I would have picked better against the spread.” – I KNOW!
SoonerTheBetter (BL): “I regret not paying for a service.” – No, don’t do that. Do you people do that?

Shake and Baker (JN): “I regret listening to Lee Corso for pick advice.” – I know you are probably looking to me for some great advice here, but this is really on you. Side note, are we sure that Corso isn’t some sort of Weekend At Bernie’s situation at this point?

Big Papa (AM): “I regret not betting enough.” – Bet big to win big -- is a can’t lose strategy.

Bevo XV (DW): “I regret More Cowbell.” – Never enough cowbell

BlitzKrieg (RK): “I regret not going opposite picks.” – Protip from someone that has been there: Thinking about opposite picks is the gateway drug to a life of regrets. The hardest thing in life is making consistently very good or consistently very bad choices. Both of these types of people are special. The opposite of mediocre is still mediocre though.

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): “I regret that I didn't get my Week 11 picks in.” – Like they always say, you will always regret the picks you do not make.

Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): “I was hoping to not pick a game incorrectly all season.” – Is perfect really quantifiable? Nobody really knows.

Dirt Burglars (DT): “I regret that I can't get back the 10 min that I spent answering all of these bonus questions.” – I regret that I didn’t specify that negative points were possible for this bonus.

Left Hand Scissors (GN): “I regret not having more open-ended bonus questions.” – And the many tens of minutes spent organizing the answers.

Swampdogs (DR): “I regret that teams still punt on fourth down instead of going for it every time.” – #neverpunt

Sunday, October 13, 2019

P-F19: How Crappy is Kyler Murray? (Week 7 NFL Bonus)

Kyler Murray is so crappy.

"How crappy is he?" you say.

I'm glad you asked.

Ok look. Kyler isn't actually crappy. Most of us would trade places, and we'd be doing a way sh!ttier Kyler than Kyler is doing. But just like we've always viewed sports, and how the Internet has quickly devolved: Everything is either the worst or the best.

Kyler is rich, talented, and people genuinely love him. However for a brief moment in P-F NFL Week 7, we will take a look at just how crappy Kyler Murray is. Just remember to keep your head up Kyler, there are tons of footprints in your sand.

Like, literally crappy: (+4)

Gigem! (AP): He's a little shitty >> It's like you are afraid of commitment
Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Crappier than a newborn's diaper. >> also, little shits
Cockypantherfan (SZ): So crappy he leaves shit stains in his underwear >> yeah butt who doesn't
General Wartz (JM): Pretty stinky >> like yesterday's diapers
Left Hand Scissors (GN): Diaper Genie >> when the wife leaves town and you wonder how full the thing can get
17 National Championships (CG): Next level crap, like hot garbage... >> I've had some next-level craps after a night a bingeing.
Dirt Burglars (DT): Probably once a day, twice a day when he eats from the Mexican food trucks. >> I see what you did there
Huntwick Hosers (KW): Kylar Murray is so crappy he looks like he has a dingleberry on top of his head. >> and now we can play everyone's favorite game: is it racist? :)
Beelzebubbles (CC): poop emoji crappy 💩

Like, figuratively crappy: (+4)

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): Kyler Murray is so crappy, he is considering using his other hand...and I don't mean throwing the football. >> his pimp hand?
Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): Kershawlike >> fun fact, if you google "kershaw" then the first result is knives and not the disappointing Dodgers pitcher.
accidentchild (MN): Totally crappy. He did go to OU! And they SUCK!! >> you said it, not me
Lost Cause (JH): Blow U crappy >> just like MN said, everything there kinda sucks
A Northmen (ANo): pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty craptastic >> I think we can all agree that Larry David would not be impressed with anything in Norman.
Crigga88 (CR): Worse than Aids ! >> and now we can play everyone's second favorite game: is AIDS funny? :)

Like, simile to someone else: (+3)

Big Papa (AM): As crappy as his head coach >> this may just be a knock on Kingsbury, but aren't we all only as good as our leaders?
The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Who? >> he lives in the Heisman House
Shake and Baker (JN): Not as crappy as Josh Rosen. >> misdirection
BlitzKrieg (RK): career trajectory of Robert Griffin III >> Ugh, I actually hope not 
I Look Good On Top (BF): Almost as bad a Baker Mayfield. >> I don't like what you did there
More Challenges (ANe): He’s a baseball player. >> Bo doesn't know Kyler
Commodore Nation (KH): He tosses Baker’s salad >> And this is our 5 point bonus answer

Like, he's not crappy? (+2)

Bevo XV (DW): At which sport? >> handshaking
Swampdogs (DR): 5 feet 7 and three-quarters inches worth of overation. >> I don't know about overation, but I agree that he's tiny.
SoonerTheBetter (BL): 0% Crap factor >> 100% crimson glasses

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

P-F19: What kind of Baker fan are you? (Week 3 NFL Bonus)

I think know that we all have a little Baker Mayfield crush. Do not deny it. Everyone is either (1) a huge Baker fanatic or (2) a closet Baker lover. You cannot convince me otherwise. What kind of Baker fan are you?

(1) Baker fanatics:

SoonerTheBetter (BL): Baker-is-the-greatest-QB-in-college-history-and-will-take-Tom-Brady's-place-as- the-greatest-of-all-time-in-the-NFL. That kind of fan.

Word up. I’m sure you’ll find no arguments here. +4

Shake and Baker (JN): I was the biggest of Baker fan until my wife informed me she would leave me for him.

You need to support your wife. She’s good people. +3

Beelzebubbles (CC): Like, i love love him. Like his underwear modeling is my rotating background.

He's the total package. +4

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Well, I'm straight, so I can't be a closet Baker lover. I must be a Baker fanatic.

Love is not logical. Love is irrational. You get it. +3

The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Dangerous

Move over Queen Bey, it’s King Bak. +3

Cockypantherfan (SZ): Poster on the ceiling above my bed

This kind of love could be 1 or 2, but I’m going to put this in the totally not creepy fanatic bucket. +4

Dirt Burglars (DT): Homer

Some times the love apple doesn't fall far from the home tree. +3

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): Non-closeted, negative non-cis binary/tertiary fan ever!!

YAS! +4

I Look Good On Top (BF): Huge Upside

Okrrr. I’ve never stared at his huge upside, but +3

(2) Closet Baker lovers:

More Challenges (ANe): I watch Baker Mayfield clips and then erase my browsing history.

So is this your big coming out? +4

General Wartz (JM): Hate 'em

Scientifically speaking, hate is the same emotion as love. Maybe you aren’t ready to come out yet. +3

Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): Anti baker mayfield fan

Not capitalizing his name… dead closet lover giveaway. +3

Big Papa (AM): I am the fan that knows he is 100% Douche bag!!!!!

And everyone knows bad boys are the best. +3

Bevo XV (DW): Baker who?

You know that Baker! +2

Lost Cause (JH): Baker who??

Stop playing hard to get you guys!! +2

Swampdogs (DR) The "I hope he gets a head butt to the chin and has to get his jaw wired shut" kind of fan. And that's no disrespect to Baker. I think he's a great player.

The “I want to feed him milkshakes” kind of fan. That’s not creepy. +4

Gigem! (AP): The one who enjoys watching him get run down by cops and slammed into the concrete...what a DB!

Legal porn. +4

Commodore Nation (KH): Love to hate, hate to love.

Really tears at the emotions. +3

Crigga88 (CR): He’s all HYPE

Believe it +2

Huntwick Hosers (KW): The kind that wants to seem him fail, because he just sucks a$$.

So obviously you have the closet love. +3

BlitzKrieg (RK): "He hasn't distinguished himself enough on the field in the NFL to deserve much attention from me either way. Just another middling QB right now. 2018: 27th in completion percentage, 17th in yards, tied for 3rd most interceptions, 11th in TDs"

Secret nerd love +4

A Northmen (ANo): A Cleveland Browns Baker fan, an occasional win that gives them false hope that they are finally going to be good doesn't bug me. Okay, maybe I'm not a Baker fan after all.

Sometimes it takes a little time to distill your emotions. +4

Accidentchild (MN): I will NEVER be a fan of anyone who played for OU (this better be a 5 pt response!)

A five-point closet response, for sure. +5

Thursday, September 12, 2019

P-F19: Should NFL Picks Be Against the Spread? (Week 2 NFL Bonus)

Despite James Madison's warning of "the tyranny of the majority," I'm okay with most decisions here being majority rule. In our recruitment form this year, I let you vote on changing NFL picks from straight up to against the spread. As a way of documenting the reasons why we do what we do around here, I also gave you the forum to defend your position.

However like our democracy here in the United States, or should I say republic, you probably need your commissioner to clarify and validate your opinions.

Below are the official commissioner interpretations of what your answer sounded like.

Almost no one wanted to switch the NFL contest to against the spread. Why not?

I voted for lines. Rest of the league is soft. - BlitzKrieg (RK)
This sounds like you aren't interested in some of the solid arguments that are going to follow.

I did don’t blame me - Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS)
This sounds a little defensive sir, so I DO BLAME YOU.

Cause i suck At picking lines lol I sick at picking in general so easier the better for me. - Crigga88 (CR)
This is a common and honest answer of the people. You work hard, and the last thing you want to do is study up on what skill player of the week has new assault charges filed against him.

Vegas is too good. NFL pickems would turn into a coin flip. - Gigem! (AP)
This is as solid of an opinion on the topic as it gets. You may think we've exhausted the opinions of both sides at this point. I could shut it down right here, but unlike an LSU defender, I'm going to through the fatigue.

Because the line is controlled by the Mob. - Big Papa (AM)
This sounds similar to the "everyone else is doing it" argument. I watched the Sopranos, and some of the mob are good people.

Can't figure out all those pluses and minuses - Dirt Burglars (DT)
Gambling is mostly minuses. Don't be scared.

I wanted to, ain't skeered. - 17 National Championships (CG) & More Challenges (ANe)
Little known fact, skeer in Dutch is slang for being broke. I ain't skeer twice a month, but that's about it.

Makes the overall contest more difficult. Maybe pick against the spread in NFL and use O/U for college? - Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH)
First off, referencing OG P-F player Gary Francis AND using Garynese in your team name is baller. Well done. However, that answer sounds like a way to make Pick'em less fun.

Too much math. - The Texans don’t need a GM (CK)
That's what spreadsheets are for.

Cause it's hard enough to pick 'em straight! - Cornholio's Bunghole (BO)
It's not as simple as just picking straight though. Pick'em is more of a spectrum these days.

Because most of them live with their mothers and don't like to challenge themselves in life! - I Look Good On Top (BF)
This sounds like you need a good hot meal and a hug.

Because I hate change, you know that, I know that, let's just deal with it! - A Northmen (ANo)
This sounds like my wife.

Too many bad beats, which don't happen on a winner/loser scenario - Bevo XV (DW)
This sounds like a degenerate answer.

Dallas Cowboys suck - Cockypantherfan (SZ)
This sounds like someone who knows the cheat code to easy bonus points in P-F.

WE all had a meeting at a bar and decided we didn't want this because Math is hard - Beelzebubbles (CC)
This sounds like --hold up you guys, is there a Pick'em happy hour that I'm not invited to?

Chickenshit - SoonerTheBetter (BL)
Horseshit, j/k

I’ve never been in the money while playing the spread. - Shake & Baker (JN)
This sounds like a reasonable answer. I think the people are back on track.

Because we missed the Monday Nights Games on this card??? - General Wartz (JM)
This sounds like you're just like me. I missed them too.

I’m not good with numbers. - accidentchild (MN)
I'm going to assume this was an intentional play on words -- and I like it.

Everyday life is against the spread. And life is hard. No one likes hard. - Swampdogs (DR)
...Except the kids at Rice. That's why they play Texas.

Why mess with perfection? - Huntwick Hosers (KW)
It's like you know me.

3 reasons:
A. Lost in a dream. I don't know which way to go
B. I've been a fool before. Wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slammin' door
C. You are so hard to read. You play hide-and-seek; With your true intentions. If you're only playin' games; I'll just have to say...Abb-b-b-bye, b-b-b-bye
- Commodore Nation (KH)
...and Paula Abdul. I friggin read this for daaaays and then had to search the internet for clues. Well played sir. Straight up.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it! - Lost Cause (JH)
Sounds like what they say at the local district energy plant!