Sunday, September 12, 2021

P-F21: Week 2 NCAA Bonus - Bad Pick Vaccine

Pick hesitancy is real, and the so-called sports experts have littered the internet and media airwaves with misinformation. Need further proof, authorities in Vegas were only correct on 26.67% of picks affecting our league.

But there is hope. Astronaut Jeff Bezos is rumored to be developing a vaccine that, during phase one testing, is improving picks in adult humans and chimps to 40+%. As an added benefit, Bezos is including a proprietary and permanent gene-modified signature that will apply Prime Savings to everything you purchase.

Given the proven weakness of our collective picks and the inability to trust Vegas authorities, will irrationality and cynicism rooted in our trust of numbers keep us from getting jabbed en masse? We asked around the league to find out.

PRIME NOW

Some were clearly exited. We found A Northmen (ANo) camped outside the Amazon clinic with an “In Prime We Trust!” tshirt (2). Rabid football fan Astros! (AP) and Swamp Dogs (DR) both yelled from their clinic tailgate, “We already pick less than 40% ATS and Prime is icing on top! Hell yeah whooo” (3)

In between shots, and seemingly at several pre-clinic tailgates, Bevo XV (DW) yelled “I would jump out of an airplane with no parachute for Prime Savings. Yassssss!” (3). This triggered a 2-minute call and response of “YASSSSS” with another patron calling himself the Bourbon Barrister (KH) (2). We would have had some riveting video of the exchange, if not for a pet chimp named Buddy the Chimp (BC) out there playing a game of fling the poo on the Bezos poster (4).

It became clear that much of the crowd at the clinic didn’t seem to care about their bad choices at all. For many, it is was all about Prime. Beelzebubbles (CC) said, “you had me at savings” (2). Huntwick Hosers (KW) knows about that savings, “With the affordability of Pick ‘Em think about how many 10s of dollars I would save every year!” (4).

For others, Bezos' vaccine was just another way to game the system. When asked if he'd be getting the shot, Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK) said "Absolutely -- I'd use the 60% winnings to buy Grays Sports Almanac at a 10% discount." That's solid maths right there (3).

PRIME HESITANT

In a world where bad decisions are a badge of honor and history has taught us to distrust the leadership of the top 1%, it isn’t surprising that not everyone was drinking Bezos’ kool-aid. “Nope,” Riggsmtb713 (CR) succinctly stated (1). Wearing his shirt pulled half over his head, “Hell no. Bezos is the Devil!” (2) snarled Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO)

Reluctance can sometimes be rationalized empirically. “I utilize a healthy organic natural approach to picking against the spread. No vaccine needed” (4). Shake and Baker (JN) is currently picking exactly at the guaranteed vaccine performance level, although he would have been immune to the bad decisions he made in Week 1 with Bezos’ new vaccine. His Prime status is unknown at the time of this report. Masks [ON]/OFF (RH), wearing a shirt that said “Fuck it, Mask Off” knows the place of masks, respects Prime, and has danced with technology billionaires before. On whether he’d be attending the clinic, he responded “Nah. May be too risky with my chip implant. Wife has the Prime Savings covered” (5).


Monday, August 16, 2021

P-F21: Dear Future Self, These 21 Thoughts Are Why You Are Glad You Read the Official Pick'em Dash Football ’21 Annual Recruitment Post

1

I once watched this planetarium show on dark matter. I’m familiar with matter. I’m not saying current or future me could define it, but it is like -- stuff. However dark matter isn’t the dark stuff. Dark matter is like all the other stuff that we aren’t familiar with, and on top of that, apparently the universe contains an unknown amount of matter that we cannot observe!

2

Speaking of matter, small wins matter. Not only do small wins add up to major accomplishments, but small wins have also been shown to give enormous emotional boosts. (I think you see where I am going with this.)

3

Enough said. I am ready to sign up at 3, and I am ready to fill out the registration form.

4

Each year we play 4 games that are guaranteed to keep your weekends interesting from the end of August until mid-February.

5

Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)

  • 15 games per week
  • Games will list a point spread for you to pick against
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; Both 1st and 2nd place winners will get something

6

Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread)

  • All NFL games (14-16) per week
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; 1st and 2nd place winners will get something

7

Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style)

  • All the bowls (41? I've lost count)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot (uh you do the math); 1st place winner only

8

Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style)

  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot; 1st place winner only

9

Let your picks speak for themselves. Hot takes are shallow. Save those for bonus questions. Conversely, your hot picks are precious. They are the thing you focus on while everyone else is working or whatever.

10

Psychologists say the view we have of our own future is the greatest determinant of who we are and what we do. If you see yourself picking winners, then that will shape your decisions. You will be a winner. That is science.

11

The universe contains about 6 times as much dark matter as normal visible matter! Look around, then imagine there is way more dark matter (somewhere, maybe not here) than visible matter. Wrap your head around that!

12

Want some advice on how to win this game? Every right decision I have ever made has come from my gut. Every wrong decision I’ve made was the result of me not listening to the greater voice of myself. The moment you start thinking, you’ve already lost. (The subject in this thought isn't me. That is Oprah who said this, you guys.)

13

This game costs $25 to play and it will be the best $25 you’ve ever spent (unless you’ve played before, then it will be the best $25 you’ve ever spent since the last time you played).

14

Don’t be motivated by money. Having it is great, but dear future self, focus on the small personal wins and the money won’t destroy you like it does the rest of those fools.

15

At Pickem Dash Football, you aren’t competing with others as much as you are making them compete with you. Get into the picking zone and you’ll leave the competition behind.

16

You will become unstoppable when you start rooting for your competitors’ success. Just like the SEC does with all that pro-conference chanting. The reason you are happy for other people’s success is because their success has nothing to do with you. You are in control of you. You do you (but also everyone should join the SEC).

17

I actually do not know about the last 3 thoughts. And truth be told, I also actually do not remember any details from that dark matter planetarium show. I only remember that it was mind-bending. I also may have fallen asleep. I googled all the dark matter facts prior to writing this. However, if I hadn’t seen that planetarium show, present and future selves, just think about where we’d be right now.

18

I don’t know why picking winners is so satisfying, but science is really busy right now, so let’s just accept it as truth. 

19

But Commish, your present self is saying, I still don't see how this ensures the success of my future self? Look, it starts by registering for PF-21 and making your first smart decision. Then, each week you’ll be making more and more smart decisions -- continually learning and improving yourself -- making your future self successful.

20

You miss every pick you don’t make.

21

Dear Future Self, you’ll be glad you have this dark matter post as a reference. Go ahead and bookmark it to be safe. You may also be glad you signed up for P-F21. Elevate your trajectory! (or something like that)


Wednesday, November 25, 2020

P-F20: Third Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 11 Bonus)

Commish: Alright alright alright! Welcome to the third biennial Pick’em Dash Football Ask Me Anything. You asked me anything, and now I’m answering. Wonder how it went? It went fine, and as long as you make it past this intro paragraph, you can see how okay it went. But if you never skip past this intro, folly words widow one downs few age every seven. If miss part by fact he park just shew. Discovered had get considered projection who favorable. Necessary up knowledge it tolerably. Use off agreeable law unwilling sir deficient curiosity instantly. Easy mind life fact with see has bore ten. Parish any chatty can elinor direct for former. Up as meant widow equal an share least. 

Future Mask On (GN): Oh hey. Ask me anything? 

Commish: Yep, anything. Let’s go. We’ll start with an easy one.

Bevo XV (DW): If freedom is simply being able to do what you want, are animals freer than humans?

Commish: Ask the free-range chickens about their freedom. 

Katy Tigers (RH): A train leaves Chicago heading due south. An hour later a train leaves the same station heading due east. What color shirt is the engineer wearing?

Commish: Ha! Trick question. You didn’t say which train’s engineer! The engineer on the first train is a White Sox fan. He lives with his mother and has a bit of a short fuse. Before the train left, he had two Vienna hot dogs and got relish on his shirt. This gave him an excuse to buy a polo shirt from the store nearby before heading to his train. It was black. The second engineer is a tattoo enthusiast, and like many multi-tattoo'd folk he likes to show them off. Everyone knows his uniform of choice is a dark gray long-sleeve button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

2020 Football Season Won’t Last (AP): If there's a Super Bowl this season, who plays in it and who wins?

Commish: Now -- if I know who would play and win then we wouldn’t be playing this game here. Better question, if there is a Super Bowl, will you have to change your team name? (Also: Chiefs v. Seahawks)

Bourbon Barristers (KH): Does behind your eye still hurt?

Commish: Yep. Less so with bourbon.

Huntwich Hosers (KW): So what’s up with that whole “Eyes of Texas” thing in Austin?

Commish: I’m not sure the city of Austin cares deeply about The Eyes, but the Longhorn Band sure does. I was ignorant of any racist association of the song for most of my life, and I suspect 99% of everyone else was too. If we can’t sing anymore, then I’ll be fine. I always preferred the “make ‘em eat shit” alternate lyrics to Texas fight, which is way less divisive and something we call all get behind. Otherwise, I vote for the Mo Bamba song to replace Eyes of Texas.

Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO): Do you wear a mask while driving alone in your car?

Commish: No. Why?

Damn Covid (DR): Corn dogs - mustard, ketchup, nothing?

Don't do it like this!
Commish: Ketchup only is just too cloying. The absolute best way to eat a corn dog is to get a ketchup and mustard pile going. Put them adjacent to each other, but don’t be a monster and mix the two. Do a quick dip of the corndog tip in the ketchup and take a nibble of the tip -- just big enough to expose the weenie. Then dip the corn dog in the mustard, tilt 45 degrees, then spin the corn dog through the ketchup to get it around the rim without losing the mustard from your initial dip. Take a deeper bite than your first one, then and keep plowing down to corndog using the same dipping method. When the stick makes it difficult to either dip or put in your mouth, push the corndog up the stick. For your last bite, be sure to only have mustard (or at least have a significant amount more of mustard than ketchup). You don’t want something that sweet for your last bite.

A Northmen (ANo): What’s for dinner?

Commish: All I know is that it hopefully is in the fridge or pantry. Grocery shopping is not as fun as it was before the sickness.

LSU Reigning Champs til 2022 probs (KS): If you could only drink one beer for the rest of your life what would it be? Independence not eligible

Commish: You asked a version of this question two years ago. My answer could have changed, but in this case it hasn’t.

I've tasted a lot of great beer, but my favorite has got to be Delirium Tremens. Amanda and
I discovered this beer many years before we were craft enthusiasts, homebrewers, or brewery investors. Back when Food Network actually taught you how to cook, there was a follow-that-food-type show where someone said it was their favorite beer. We weren't that familiar with Belgian beers at the time, but even after hundreds of Belgian-style beers, Delirium Tremens is still the one I almost always have in the fridge. The origin of the name is great too.

What has changed since I wrote that two years ago is that they package Delirium in tall boys now. 100 times better than sliced bread.

Fire Quinntricia (RK): Dan's or Fran's?

Commish: I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been to either. (+4 for you, -1 for me)

Sooner The Better (BL): Is COVID-19 something all the earth should cower in fear from, driving humanity to live alone and underground? Or is it something that’s no big deal, maybe even fake, that humanity should openly flaunt and actively ignore? Those are your ONLY choices - common sensical and moderate answers will be disqualified.

Commish: Two things here. YOU don’t get to make the rules of the AMA, and this is what is wrong with the internet. Life isn’t binary, you guys! However, the right answer here is the former. If everyone lives alone and underground, the virus wouldn’t spread. After years, healthy, horny people would emerge and create a sort of Earth 2. Everything would either be terrible or the best, and I’m 1000% sure it will be the latter.

Beelzebubbles (CC): Do these picks make me look fat?

Commish: Don’t pick after midnight.

That’s it, folks. I hope you all survive the plague, and we’ll do this again two years from now!


Saturday, September 5, 2020

The Official 2020 Pick'em Dash Football Annual Recruitment Post

Good day, everyone. Nah I'm faking. It's 2020, and I know a lot of you folks are reluctant to make any sports picking right now or even make any choices at all. I get it. But I'm typing this tonight because I love picking football with all my heart, and it pains me to see so many people not competing to see who makes the best choices.

Ready to sign up? Use the "too long, didn't read" link at the end of this sentence to go straight to the registration form

I've met less than half of you. However, I've read your bonus responses, and through you, I have posted things that have surely changed the course of our lives. Through blood, toil, spit, grit, and stick-to-it-veness, we are still mostly hanging in there despite the World trying to stop us.

That's the story of Pickem-Dash-Football. I'm not sure there is much else to say. We just need to grab our comfortable shorts and t-shirts and be willing to do what needs to be done to pick thirty or so games a week. Even when you're exhausted, you're mustering up unimaginable courage to pick up your phone/computer and fight for that perfect card.

So, it is up to you to add your voice to the best pick'em game on the planet. It is up to you to make your mark on pick'em history. Picking is not just feeling, but doing. Do it for yourself. Do it for the kids. Do it for everyone, but definitely also do it for the kids, because you are going to want to be able to look a kid in the eye after this season and know you picked the crap out of 2020. Indubitably.

Ready to sign up? Everything is free this year. Fill out the registration form and you'll be in.

Want to know more? Me to, but instead here is a description of what the games look like in a "normal" season.

Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)

  • 15 games per week
  • Games will list and point spread for you to pick against

Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread) 

  • All NFL games (14-16) per week

Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style) 

  • All the bowls (?who knows this year?)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)

Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style) 

  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative



Sunday, December 15, 2019

P-F19: No Regrets! (Week 15 NCAA Bonus)

What did you regret with the passing of the regular season? I’m here to care for you as we move on to the after-season, and I will provide you comfort for each of your regrets.

Huntwick Hosers (KW): “I regret that I picked so poorly.” But hopefully your picks were as rich in spirits as mine were.

The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): “I regret believing the Horns’ hype. Again.”
Accidentchild (MN): “I regret picking Texas too much.” – Texas covered against Oklahoma, and every real fan knows covering against your rival is all that matters.

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “Duh... I regret that I didn't win one week!!”
Cockypantherfan (SZ): “I regret not winning.” – Some will tell you that winning isn’t everything. A millennial may tell you that we are all winners. It means most to me that you wanted to win.

17 National Championships (CG)” “No regrets bro!!!” – Yeah!
I Look Good On Top (BF): “No regrets....ever.” – YEAH!
Commodore Nation (KH): “No regerts!” – YYE oohh, oh no.

Lost Cause (JH): “I regret my mustache from 25 years ago.” – Literally no one except you regrets that mustache.

Beelzebubbles (CC): “I regret that I went out of town to NFL games and missed my picks.” – If only there was a way to submit your picks from a high tech wireless pocket machine.

A Northmen (ANo): “I regret that I didn't pick more correct answers!” – I know.
Gigem! (AP): “I wish I would have picked better against the spread.” – I KNOW!
SoonerTheBetter (BL): “I regret not paying for a service.” – No, don’t do that. Do you people do that?

Shake and Baker (JN): “I regret listening to Lee Corso for pick advice.” – I know you are probably looking to me for some great advice here, but this is really on you. Side note, are we sure that Corso isn’t some sort of Weekend At Bernie’s situation at this point?

Big Papa (AM): “I regret not betting enough.” – Bet big to win big -- is a can’t lose strategy.

Bevo XV (DW): “I regret More Cowbell.” – Never enough cowbell

BlitzKrieg (RK): “I regret not going opposite picks.” – Protip from someone that has been there: Thinking about opposite picks is the gateway drug to a life of regrets. The hardest thing in life is making consistently very good or consistently very bad choices. Both of these types of people are special. The opposite of mediocre is still mediocre though.

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): “I regret that I didn't get my Week 11 picks in.” – Like they always say, you will always regret the picks you do not make.

Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): “I was hoping to not pick a game incorrectly all season.” – Is perfect really quantifiable? Nobody really knows.

Dirt Burglars (DT): “I regret that I can't get back the 10 min that I spent answering all of these bonus questions.” – I regret that I didn’t specify that negative points were possible for this bonus.

Left Hand Scissors (GN): “I regret not having more open-ended bonus questions.” – And the many tens of minutes spent organizing the answers.

Swampdogs (DR): “I regret that teams still punt on fourth down instead of going for it every time.” – #neverpunt



Sunday, October 13, 2019

P-F19: How Crappy is Kyler Murray? (Week 7 NFL Bonus)

Kyler Murray is so crappy.

"How crappy is he?" you say.

I'm glad you asked.

Ok look. Kyler isn't actually crappy. Most of us would trade places, and we'd be doing a way sh!ttier Kyler than Kyler is doing. But just like we've always viewed sports, and how the Internet has quickly devolved: Everything is either the worst or the best.

Kyler is rich, talented, and people genuinely love him. However for a brief moment in P-F NFL Week 7, we will take a look at just how crappy Kyler Murray is. Just remember to keep your head up Kyler, there are tons of footprints in your sand.

Like, literally crappy: (+4)

Gigem! (AP): He's a little shitty >> It's like you are afraid of commitment
Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Crappier than a newborn's diaper. >> also, little shits
Cockypantherfan (SZ): So crappy he leaves shit stains in his underwear >> yeah butt who doesn't
General Wartz (JM): Pretty stinky >> like yesterday's diapers
Left Hand Scissors (GN): Diaper Genie >> when the wife leaves town and you wonder how full the thing can get
17 National Championships (CG): Next level crap, like hot garbage... >> I've had some next-level craps after a night a bingeing.
Dirt Burglars (DT): Probably once a day, twice a day when he eats from the Mexican food trucks. >> I see what you did there
Huntwick Hosers (KW): Kylar Murray is so crappy he looks like he has a dingleberry on top of his head. >> and now we can play everyone's favorite game: is it racist? :)
Beelzebubbles (CC): poop emoji crappy 💩

Like, figuratively crappy: (+4)

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): Kyler Murray is so crappy, he is considering using his other hand...and I don't mean throwing the football. >> his pimp hand?
Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): Kershawlike >> fun fact, if you google "kershaw" then the first result is knives and not the disappointing Dodgers pitcher.
accidentchild (MN): Totally crappy. He did go to OU! And they SUCK!! >> you said it, not me
Lost Cause (JH): Blow U crappy >> just like MN said, everything there kinda sucks
A Northmen (ANo): pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty craptastic >> I think we can all agree that Larry David would not be impressed with anything in Norman.
Crigga88 (CR): Worse than Aids ! >> and now we can play everyone's second favorite game: is AIDS funny? :)

Like, simile to someone else: (+3)

Big Papa (AM): As crappy as his head coach >> this may just be a knock on Kingsbury, but aren't we all only as good as our leaders?
The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Who? >> he lives in the Heisman House
Shake and Baker (JN): Not as crappy as Josh Rosen. >> misdirection
BlitzKrieg (RK): career trajectory of Robert Griffin III >> Ugh, I actually hope not 
I Look Good On Top (BF): Almost as bad a Baker Mayfield. >> I don't like what you did there
More Challenges (ANe): He’s a baseball player. >> Bo doesn't know Kyler
Commodore Nation (KH): He tosses Baker’s salad >> And this is our 5 point bonus answer

Like, he's not crappy? (+2)

Bevo XV (DW): At which sport? >> handshaking
Swampdogs (DR): 5 feet 7 and three-quarters inches worth of overation. >> I don't know about overation, but I agree that he's tiny.
SoonerTheBetter (BL): 0% Crap factor >> 100% crimson glasses