Sunday, October 13, 2019

P-F19: How Crappy is Kyler Murray? (Week 7 NFL Bonus)

Kyler Murray is so crappy.

"How crappy is he?" you say.

I'm glad you asked.

Ok look. Kyler isn't actually crappy. Most of us would trade places, and we'd be doing a way sh!ttier Kyler than Kyler is doing. But just like we've always viewed sports, and how the Internet has quickly devolved: Everything is either the worst or the best.

Kyler is rich, talented, and people genuinely love him. However for a brief moment in P-F NFL Week 7, we will take a look at just how crappy Kyler Murray is. Just remember to keep your head up Kyler, there are tons of footprints in your sand.

Like, literally crappy: (+4)

Gigem! (AP): He's a little shitty >> It's like you are afraid of commitment
Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Crappier than a newborn's diaper. >> also, little shits
Cockypantherfan (SZ): So crappy he leaves shit stains in his underwear >> yeah butt who doesn't
General Wartz (JM): Pretty stinky >> like yesterday's diapers
Left Hand Scissors (GN): Diaper Genie >> when the wife leaves town and you wonder how full the thing can get
17 National Championships (CG): Next level crap, like hot garbage... >> I've had some next-level craps after a night a bingeing.
Dirt Burglars (DT): Probably once a day, twice a day when he eats from the Mexican food trucks. >> I see what you did there
Huntwick Hosers (KW): Kylar Murray is so crappy he looks like he has a dingleberry on top of his head. >> and now we can play everyone's favorite game: is it racist? :)
Beelzebubbles (CC): poop emoji crappy 💩

Like, figuratively crappy: (+4)

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): Kyler Murray is so crappy, he is considering using his other hand...and I don't mean throwing the football. >> his pimp hand?
Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): Kershawlike >> fun fact, if you google "kershaw" then the first result is knives and not the disappointing Dodgers pitcher.
accidentchild (MN): Totally crappy. He did go to OU! And they SUCK!! >> you said it, not me
Lost Cause (JH): Blow U crappy >> just like MN said, everything there kinda sucks
A Northmen (ANo): pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty craptastic >> I think we can all agree that Larry David would not be impressed with anything in Norman.
Crigga88 (CR): Worse than Aids ! >> and now we can play everyone's second favorite game: is AIDS funny? :)

Like, simile to someone else: (+3)

Big Papa (AM): As crappy as his head coach >> this may just be a knock on Kingsbury, but aren't we all only as good as our leaders?
The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Who? >> he lives in the Heisman House
Shake and Baker (JN): Not as crappy as Josh Rosen. >> misdirection
BlitzKrieg (RK): career trajectory of Robert Griffin III >> Ugh, I actually hope not 
I Look Good On Top (BF): Almost as bad a Baker Mayfield. >> I don't like what you did there
More Challenges (ANe): He’s a baseball player. >> Bo doesn't know Kyler
Commodore Nation (KH): He tosses Baker’s salad >> And this is our 5 point bonus answer

Like, he's not crappy? (+2)

Bevo XV (DW): At which sport? >> handshaking
Swampdogs (DR): 5 feet 7 and three-quarters inches worth of overation. >> I don't know about overation, but I agree that he's tiny.
SoonerTheBetter (BL): 0% Crap factor >> 100% crimson glasses

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

P-F19: What kind of Baker fan are you? (Week 3 NFL Bonus)

I think know that we all have a little Baker Mayfield crush. Do not deny it. Everyone is either (1) a huge Baker fanatic or (2) a closet Baker lover. You cannot convince me otherwise. What kind of Baker fan are you?

(1) Baker fanatics:

SoonerTheBetter (BL): Baker-is-the-greatest-QB-in-college-history-and-will-take-Tom-Brady's-place-as- the-greatest-of-all-time-in-the-NFL. That kind of fan.

Word up. I’m sure you’ll find no arguments here. +4

Shake and Baker (JN): I was the biggest of Baker fan until my wife informed me she would leave me for him.

You need to support your wife. She’s good people. +3

Beelzebubbles (CC): Like, i love love him. Like his underwear modeling is my rotating background.

He's the total package. +4

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Well, I'm straight, so I can't be a closet Baker lover. I must be a Baker fanatic.

Love is not logical. Love is irrational. You get it. +3

The Texans don’t need a GM (CK): Dangerous

Move over Queen Bey, it’s King Bak. +3

Cockypantherfan (SZ): Poster on the ceiling above my bed

This kind of love could be 1 or 2, but I’m going to put this in the totally not creepy fanatic bucket. +4

Dirt Burglars (DT): Homer

Some times the love apple doesn't fall far from the home tree. +3

Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH): Non-closeted, negative non-cis binary/tertiary fan ever!!

YAS! +4

I Look Good On Top (BF): Huge Upside

Okrrr. I’ve never stared at his huge upside, but +3

(2) Closet Baker lovers:

More Challenges (ANe): I watch Baker Mayfield clips and then erase my browsing history.

So is this your big coming out? +4

General Wartz (JM): Hate 'em

Scientifically speaking, hate is the same emotion as love. Maybe you aren’t ready to come out yet. +3

Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS): Anti baker mayfield fan

Not capitalizing his name… dead closet lover giveaway. +3

Big Papa (AM): I am the fan that knows he is 100% Douche bag!!!!!

And everyone knows bad boys are the best. +3

Bevo XV (DW): Baker who?

You know that Baker! +2

Lost Cause (JH): Baker who??

Stop playing hard to get you guys!! +2

Swampdogs (DR) The "I hope he gets a head butt to the chin and has to get his jaw wired shut" kind of fan. And that's no disrespect to Baker. I think he's a great player.

The “I want to feed him milkshakes” kind of fan. That’s not creepy. +4

Gigem! (AP): The one who enjoys watching him get run down by cops and slammed into the concrete...what a DB!

Legal porn. +4

Commodore Nation (KH): Love to hate, hate to love.

Really tears at the emotions. +3

Crigga88 (CR): He’s all HYPE

Believe it +2

Huntwick Hosers (KW): The kind that wants to seem him fail, because he just sucks a$$.

So obviously you have the closet love. +3

BlitzKrieg (RK): "He hasn't distinguished himself enough on the field in the NFL to deserve much attention from me either way. Just another middling QB right now. 2018: 27th in completion percentage, 17th in yards, tied for 3rd most interceptions, 11th in TDs"

Secret nerd love +4

A Northmen (ANo): A Cleveland Browns Baker fan, an occasional win that gives them false hope that they are finally going to be good doesn't bug me. Okay, maybe I'm not a Baker fan after all.

Sometimes it takes a little time to distill your emotions. +4

Accidentchild (MN): I will NEVER be a fan of anyone who played for OU (this better be a 5 pt response!)

A five-point closet response, for sure. +5

Thursday, September 12, 2019

P-F19: Should NFL Picks Be Against the Spread? (Week 2 NFL Bonus)

Despite James Madison's warning of "the tyranny of the majority," I'm okay with most decisions here being majority rule. In our recruitment form this year, I let you vote on changing NFL picks from straight up to against the spread. As a way of documenting the reasons why we do what we do around here, I also gave you the forum to defend your position.

However like our democracy here in the United States, or should I say republic, you probably need your commissioner to clarify and validate your opinions.

Below are the official commissioner interpretations of what your answer sounded like.

Almost no one wanted to switch the NFL contest to against the spread. Why not?

I voted for lines. Rest of the league is soft. - BlitzKrieg (RK)
This sounds like you aren't interested in some of the solid arguments that are going to follow.

I did don’t blame me - Too much pressure to come up with a name quickly (KS)
This sounds a little defensive sir, so I DO BLAME YOU.

Cause i suck At picking lines lol I sick at picking in general so easier the better for me. - Crigga88 (CR)
This is a common and honest answer of the people. You work hard, and the last thing you want to do is study up on what skill player of the week has new assault charges filed against him.

Vegas is too good. NFL pickems would turn into a coin flip. - Gigem! (AP)
This is as solid of an opinion on the topic as it gets. You may think we've exhausted the opinions of both sides at this point. I could shut it down right here, but unlike an LSU defender, I'm going to through the fatigue.

Because the line is controlled by the Mob. - Big Papa (AM)
This sounds similar to the "everyone else is doing it" argument. I watched the Sopranos, and some of the mob are good people.

Can't figure out all those pluses and minuses - Dirt Burglars (DT)
Gambling is mostly minuses. Don't be scared.

I wanted to, ain't skeered. - 17 National Championships (CG) & More Challenges (ANe)
Little known fact, skeer in Dutch is slang for being broke. I ain't skeer twice a month, but that's about it.

Makes the overall contest more difficult. Maybe pick against the spread in NFL and use O/U for college? - Gary 'wii mis yu' Francis (RH)
First off, referencing OG P-F player Gary Francis AND using Garynese in your team name is baller. Well done. However, that answer sounds like a way to make Pick'em less fun.

Too much math. - The Texans don’t need a GM (CK)
That's what spreadsheets are for.

Cause it's hard enough to pick 'em straight! - Cornholio's Bunghole (BO)
It's not as simple as just picking straight though. Pick'em is more of a spectrum these days.

Because most of them live with their mothers and don't like to challenge themselves in life! - I Look Good On Top (BF)
This sounds like you need a good hot meal and a hug.

Because I hate change, you know that, I know that, let's just deal with it! - A Northmen (ANo)
This sounds like my wife.

Too many bad beats, which don't happen on a winner/loser scenario - Bevo XV (DW)
This sounds like a degenerate answer.

Dallas Cowboys suck - Cockypantherfan (SZ)
This sounds like someone who knows the cheat code to easy bonus points in P-F.

WE all had a meeting at a bar and decided we didn't want this because Math is hard - Beelzebubbles (CC)
This sounds like --hold up you guys, is there a Pick'em happy hour that I'm not invited to?

Chickenshit - SoonerTheBetter (BL)
Horseshit, j/k

I’ve never been in the money while playing the spread. - Shake & Baker (JN)
This sounds like a reasonable answer. I think the people are back on track.

Because we missed the Monday Nights Games on this card??? - General Wartz (JM)
This sounds like you're just like me. I missed them too.

I’m not good with numbers. - accidentchild (MN)
I'm going to assume this was an intentional play on words -- and I like it.

Everyday life is against the spread. And life is hard. No one likes hard. - Swampdogs (DR)
...Except the kids at Rice. That's why they play Texas.

Why mess with perfection? - Huntwick Hosers (KW)
It's like you know me.

3 reasons:
A. Lost in a dream. I don't know which way to go
B. I've been a fool before. Wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slammin' door
C. You are so hard to read. You play hide-and-seek; With your true intentions. If you're only playin' games; I'll just have to say...Abb-b-b-bye, b-b-b-bye
- Commodore Nation (KH)
...and Paula Abdul. I friggin read this for daaaays and then had to search the internet for clues. Well played sir. Straight up.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it! - Lost Cause (JH)
Sounds like what they say at the local district energy plant!

Sunday, August 4, 2019

The Official 2019 Pick'em Dash Football Annual Recruitment Post

Don’t Sleep On Pick’em Dash Football

Science does not fully understand why sleeping is necessary, but you and I empirically understand sleeping is vital to our bodies’ health and cognitive functions.

Good morning, you guys. It is the dawn of the 2019 football season.

Ready to sign up? Use the "too long, didn't read" link at the end of this sentence to go straight to the registration form

By the close of last season, you were probably experiencing a decrease in mental functions, a distorted sense of time, a lack of awareness to your job and family, and – God bless you – all weekend day and night game watching fatigue. While I’m sure you didn’t realize any of this at the time, you are better off today than you were last February. While you rested, your P-F-cells raced around inside, repairing and restoring all your questionable decisions made while you were weak and vulnerable.

Did You Dream About It?

Last pick’em season, your brain worked hard to make all the pre-game connections necessary in order to predict winners. After all that work, you needed the offseason rest, but I bet you dreamed about getting back in that pick’em game.

Your dreams represent your unconscious desires and wishes. Did you dream about that filing that perfect pick’em card?

Dreams also help develop cognitive capabilities. Raise your hand if you've been having dreams about falling. That means need to let the offseason go. You are ready for this.

Already woke? Head to the registration form now. 

If someone has been chasing you each night in your dreams, then follow me and read on.

Get Pick’em Dash Football Woke

Each year we play 4 games that are guaranteed to keep you on the qui vive for winning game predictions all season long.

Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)
  • 15 games per week
  • Games will list and point spread for you to pick against
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; Both 1st and 2nd place winners will get something
Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread)
  • All NFL games (14-16) per week
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; 1st and 2nd place winners will get something
Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style)
  • All the bowls (41? I've lost count)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot (uh you do the math); 1st place winner only
Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style)
  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot; 1st place winner only

Yeah But What Is In It For Me?

Just like your dreams, Pick’em Dash Football offers emotional benefits, such as introspection in the form of open-ended bonus questions on some weekly cards. You may have been dreaming about what those bonus points can do for you. Scientists don’t agree on the statistical importance, but those points will give you a slight edge in the post-season contests, not to mention a mental edge week-to-week.

During the offseason, you’ve probably been dreaming about being naked or showing up unprepared for a test. You didn't know at the time, but your brain was preparing you, and right now you are as sharp as you have been in months. You got this, now let’s bring it home.

Google-able author Lauri Quinn Loewenberg once wrote Pick’em Dash Football is “full of information, advice, guidance and even warnings we need to know about ourselves and about our lives. [Picking] is a very deep and profound thinking process in which we focus solely on the self. Through [picking], we examine our current issues, behaviours (sic, that’s how she talks) and goals. We come up with ideas, we sort things out, we look at ourselves in a deeper light, we gain a clearer picture of ourselves and situation so that we can make better decisions. Those of us that are [Pickem Commissioners] and who use [Google Forms] in our mental health practices have found [picking football games is] the deepest form of therapy available.”

She honestly said it best.

Qui vive Pickem Dash Football.

And also don't forget to sign up.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

P-F18: One Is The Loneliest Number of Cards (Week 15 NFL Bonus)

And then there was at least one, otherwise this would be awkward. Let’s see which of your prime answers have the power to be The One of the “what would you rather have one of’s.”

The Money:

DR, BO, ANe, SZ, ANo all want versions of a large bank account (+2). Something Creative (KS) is going to make it happen in his new one day work week (+3).

The Power:

CC, BF, DW all want just one significant other (+2). Although Beelzebubbles’ (CC) “baby daddy” answer rises above (+4). Big Papa (AM) prefers just one headache, which must be related to power -- or both his heads are hurting and I'm sorry about that (+3)

The Rest:

Katy Tigers (RH) just wants one bill to pay. I’m assuming you like all-inclusive vacations too (+3).

Accidentchild (MN) wants one child, and hopefully, the other 3 don’t read P-F blog posts (+3).

Huntwick Homies (KW) would rather have just one round of chicken pox, and you’ll have to explain, because I didn’t think you could get more than one (+3).

Lost Cause (JH) would rather just have one password (+4). Stash90 probably.

My favorite answer was Dirt Burglars’ (DT) Pringles (+6). Once you pop…

Thursday, November 22, 2018

P-F18: Second Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 11 NCAA Bonus)

Commish: It is an ask me anything again! But hopefully something you haven't already asked. Let’s press the triangle button.

Guru (ANe): What's your inspiration?

Commish: Two years ago someone asked what motivates me, and I answered "impressing someone with something they weren’t expecting." But this question feels different. *You all* are the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You're the inspiration. Want to have you near me.I want to have you hear me saaayinnng. "No one needs you more than I -- need -- yooouuu."

Katy Tigers (RH): Was the First Biennial Pickem Dash Football successful and/or enlightening?

Commish: Inspiring, stimulating, introspective, and all of the above. Read all about it here.

Must be the Salsa (CK): What are you wearing? 

Commish: Summer clothes in the winter. If you mean under those, I'm a fan of MeUndies.

Something Creative (KS): What is your favorite beer? 

Commish: I've tasted a lot of great beer, but my favorite has got to be Delirium Tremens. Amanda and I discovered this beer many years before we were craft enthusiasts, homebrewers, or brewery investors. Back when Food Network actually taught you how to cook, there was a follow-that-food-type show where someone said it was their favorite beer. We weren't that familiar with Belgian beers at the time, but even after hundreds of Belgian-style beers, Delirium Tremens is still the one I almost always have in the fridge. The origin of the name is great too.

Bevo XV (DW): Best tailgate food you've ever prepared? 
smoked bologna for Tulsa game, 2018

Commish: This year: Smoked and grilled bologna sandwiches. Personal fav is steak tacos with esquites. The most elaborate may have been the grilled pizzas, where I made and grilled the dough, then everyone made their own pizza that I finished on the grill.

2QBs or not 2QBs (CT): When will Texas football be relevant again? 

Commish: Texas football is relevant today. Also, if there is any time when you are pondering Texas' relevance, that literally means that they are relevant.

accidentchild (MN): How many national championships will Texas win in next 5 years? 

Commish: Zero. Here's to hoping the next 5 years are more fun to watch than the previous 5 years were though.

Lost Cause (JH): Should Texas start playing Texas A&M again? 

Commish: I'm not sure either school wants to play again. A&M has taken steps clearly in the other direction when a rekindling was possible. I actually have no idea if the aggies still sing about Texas in their fight song, if they horns down their opponents, or if the alt-bonfire is still a thing. What I do know is that Texas already plays their rival every year and they hold eternal scoreboard on the aggies,  so I don't really care if the game is ever played again.

Gigem (AP): Since when did you know that you're going to UT for college? Was it a childhood dream? 

Commish: I grew up in Louisiana, and despite going to high school in Texas, I didn't really understand the Longhorn-Aggie thing until my sophomore year in college. I applied and was accepted into both Engineering schools. These are both great schools, but if given equal opportunity, I think people must really have to be into rural life or the military vibe to choose College Station over Austin, TX. That's just my story though.

BlitzKrieg (RK): Did I leave the oven on? 

Commish: Likely not, but the trick is to take a picture before you leave.

Big Papa (AM): Peanut butter cups cold or room temp? 

Commish: Maybe the first great question of the A.M.A. First we should agree -- never frozen. Within several seconds, a cold peanut butter cup will be room temperature in your mouth. You get both the cold and room temperature experience when you chill them. Seems like a no-brainer.

Cockypantherfan (SZ): Blondes or brunettes? 

Commish: Either can become either, so I'm more about what really matters in a woman. Ass.

Case's Clydesdales (MM): Which games do you like picking more college or pro. Which have you had more success at? 

Commish: As a kid, I liked playing basketball a lot more, but I was better at soccer. Not really similar at all, I like picking college games better. I feel like I may like college picks better because the games are more unpredictable. I've had more historical success with NFL games, because despite parity, I think you can get more information in the media about the likely winner. NFL probably has fewer upsets too, based only on my gut feel (or at least when there is an upset, most of the league didn't pick it, so there is less ground lost). 

17 National Championships (CG): If you flew jets for the Air Force, what would your call sign be? 

Commish: Everyone knows you can't give yourself your own nickname, so apparently I'd be Lt Greg "Hipshot" Norris.

Huntwick Homies (KW): What are some good blue chip stocks to invest in these days for long term holdings? 

Commish: Thought no one would ever ask. 1. Hornet Industries (football,pick,vegas), 2. Tepee Global (Aggies,Longhorns,Never), 3. Cool Rain Industries (Craft,Beer,Assman)

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): Will Bob Mueller ever find any collusion in the Trump/Russia probe? 

Commish: I think we all know that there was no collusion. Look at the pocket watch. No collusion.

I Look Good On Top (BF): What’s your annual salary? 

Commish: Yo I can't publish that here. My wife reads this.

Northside Nukes (KH): What is the best video game of all-time? 

Commish: Super Mario Bros? Galaga? Grand Theft Auto V? You can sleep with a then kill hookers in the latter.

A Northmen (ANo): Why the HELL do you keep putting Wisconsin on the damn card!?! Is it personal? 

Commish: For a long time, Wisconsin on the card was like the Washington State flag at College Gameday: It was always there. In recent years, thanks to all the bugging by A Northmen, I've stopped putting them on every card. The joke here is that Wisconsin appears to be very inconsistent against the spread. I'm not sure why, or if this is even true, but that's the legend of Wisconsin and Pickem Dash Football. 

Statistically Improbable (DR): You're named president of your alma mater, what's the first thing you change? 

Commish: I feel like Texas is governed well. I have no complaints except maybe -- free wifi for alumni. My not being able to access the school's wifi is disenfranchisement or something.

Shake and Baker (JN): When will the NCAA lighten up and let the kids celebrate a TD without a personal foul? 

Commish: Yeah but do Sooners even know any dances that don't involve horns down? If not, how about just having the self-discipline to dance your horns downs on the sidelines with your people. And if we allowed dancing, is that fair to Baylor? Once you let them dance in Waco, who knows what comes next.

Beelzebubbles (CC): Has anyone ever thanked you for doing this each year? 

Commish: Yes, but I don't necessarily need them. I'd do this by myself, but each one of you makes it exponentially better. OK, the equation may decay upwards exponentially to a limiting value, but still.

Dirt Burglars (DT): Is the pickem dash football season really just the warm-up to the picked dash curling season? 

Commish: You should see that google spreadsheet.

Commish: And that is it pickers. Remember to eat your veggies. Goodbye and good luck.