Sunday, August 6, 2017

The Official 2017 Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Post

Ready to sign up? Use the "too long, didn't read" link at the end of this sentence to go straight to the registration form.

THE TRUTHS 

"If you can’t get something out of your head, maybe it is supposed to be there." - you
We pick games as a matter of virtue, and I can't imagine a life where we don't all do it every week of football season with each other.

Many ads, friends, coworkers, and unsolicited emails focus on one special dimension of football participation: the fantasy one. And a common tendency is to emphasize the team building part of our love of football. But as miraculous as managing a team of special athletes can be, by itself it will become terribly incomplete -- a perennial football relationship needs more than fantasy alone (if it even needs to ownership of athletes at all).
"Loyalty, trust, compassion, empathy, unselfishness, cooperation, companionship, helpfulness…" <<< words never used to describe what we are doing here
Bur in this left-swipe world of commitments, maybe a little review of Pick'em Dash Football is in order. Below is at least enough for us to begin a relationship that's safe enough to make legal with the sign up form.

THE RULES

Pickem Dash Football consists of 4 games, all of which you are signing up for when you fill out the registration form:
  1. NCAA Pick'em
    • 15 games to pick per week
    • Picks are against the spread
    • The odds for each game are provided for you
    • Contest represents approx 33% of the pot; 1st and 2nd place winners are named
  2. NFL Pick'em
    • 14-16 (all) NFL games per week
    • Picks are straight up (that means no spread and you are picking winners)
    • Contest represents approx 33% of the pot; 1st and 2nd place winners are named
  3. NCAA FBS Bowl Games
    • All the bowls (41? I've lost count)
    • Picks are confidence pool style (most points on game you are most confident and 1 point on game you are least confident)
    • Picks are straight up (no spread)
    • Contest represents approx 50% of 33% of the pot (uh you do the math); 1st place winner only
  4. NFL Playoff Games
    • All the playoff games (11)
    • Picks week-to-week against the spread; points are cumulative
    • Contest represents approx 50% of 33% of the pot; 1st place winner only
I send the pick'em cards to you via a link to a Google Form. It’s easy and you can even pick from your phone.

On the game card for each week's NCAA and NFL games, I may include optional bonus questions (like the annual Thanksgiving side dish bonus). While these won't increase your score for the regular-season games, the "points" are collected and used to give you an tiny advantage in the post-season games. Bonus points are also given to weekly winners, for paying your entry fee early, and for some other random stuff I make up along the way. You can win any of the contests without them, but why would you rob me of the fun of reading your answers. It is the only bread I get from Pick'em Dash Football.

MORE TRUTHS

As we close in on two decades of focusing on our pick'em game craft here at P-F headquarters, we've grown and made acquaintances, friends, office-mates, and family. Maybe you've made family too. In an ideal scenario, I understand that is what is supposed to happen.
"Football season is worth waiting for even if it takes a whole off-season. Then in return a lifetime of football will be waiting for you." - Inspirational quote generator, making heart shape with hands
All this is the solid background of truths that bring us together each year for the most challenging and intimate of games: Pick'em. Devotion is a fundamental part of football fandom, and freedom of choice is one of the top 4 things we all love about the lives we live. Pick'em is therefore the real soul of watching football.

THE PICK'EM DASH FOOTBALL GUARANTEE

 I guarantee Pick'em Dash Football will provide a richer, multi-dimensional experience, much more complete than the two-dimensional picture on your high def TV, or you probably will skip out on the entry fee anyway.
"I miss Pick'em season. Not in some cheesy 'Let's hold hands and be together forever kind of way.' I simply have nightmares of it not being Pick'em season, plain and simple. I miss making Pick'em cards. I miss reading open ended bonus question answers. I miss you Pick'em."- Pretty much everyone


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

P-F16: Secret Santa! (Week 17 NFL Bonus)

This Santa has a secret
It's the collision of Pick'em Bonus with the time-honored tradition of giving half assed gifts, and of course the subsequent awkward reception of said gifts. Maybe it'll be a new tradition.

Just to get it out of the way, the following people got coal:
Gig'em (AP), 16 National Championships (CG), Crigga88 (CR), Tannesaurus Rex (CT), Pimp Possee (JB), The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC), Talks to Animals (JD), Lost Cause (JH), General Wartz (JM), Shake and Baker (JN), Creekside Body Count (KH), Geaux JJ (KZ), One man Wolfpack (MF), Dirt Burglars (DT). +0




So sad!
Speaking of sad, A Northmen (ANo) get the first gift. Sad Fans! You ever hear a sad songs and feel an emotional connection with a similar feeling of heartache, disappointment, loneliness, grief, or depression? Seeing a sad fan has the exact opposite effect. Seeing someone super sad about their favorite sports team is guaranteed to make you feel better 100% of the time. +4

Speaking of heartache of disappointment, I Look Good On Top (BF) gets a new GM for the Texans! Heck, how about we make BF the next GM for the Texans. Couldn't do any worse. +3

Speaking of doing worse, Beelzebubbles (CCo) gets they lose all their games and let me win! I'm going to interpret "they" here as everyone above CCo in the standings. She is 14 points from the leader in the standings, so this could happen y'all. This could be a sweet gift. Who is in!? +3

Nom nom nom
Speaking of sweet gifts, InnocentBystander (BJ) gets Vermont Pure Maple Syrup! Maple syrup is the perfect compliment to oatmeal, spaghetti, and also great if your New Year's resolution includes a master cleanse. +4

Speaking of perfect, Cactie (DCo), Phlying Hellfish (AD), and Slay All Day (CK) all get perfect pick'em cards! I can't wait to see those get filed in Week 18. We've never had multiple perfect cards in the same contest in the same week. +3

Speaking of winners, Bevo XV (DW) gets some scratch off lottery tickets. These are the ultimate no-labor gift that will allow DW to fantasize momentarily about finally getting that stadium suite in DKR. +4

Speaking of wieners, Swamp Dogs (DR) gets a Johnson(?)! I'm just going to interpret this gift as DR getting Velvet Neutral Ground and not a johnson but I'm not sure one gift is objectively better than the other. +3

I just graduated from college!
Speaking of nutty, Left Hand Scissors (GN) gets the fruitcake, because of course there was a fruitcake. Fun fact, fruitcakes really do last a long time. The internet tells me 25 years when stored properly. +3

Speaking of longshots, One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS) gets the gift of a parlay with the last four games on the card -- HOU -2.5, BAL +6, KC -3, DET +6.5. They will all be nationally televised and unopposed in their respective time slots. 4 teamers get 10-1 odds, so a simple wager of $100 bucks would lead to a very merry Christmas. That was a great gift, but the Texans pooped on it in the first game. +5

Speaking of lightning in a bottle, Huntwick Hosers (KW) get a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle! Hopefully KW shares. I'll share the fruitcake. +4

Speaking of drinking, Siemian's Stallions (MM) gets a model car! I don't have any other details, but it sounds cool. Treasure that. +3

Speaking of treasures, BlitzKrieg (RK) gets an empty jewelry box (regifted from an ex)! I suggest maybe repurposing it or paying it forward and regifting it next year.

Speaking of outside the box, Accidentchild (MN) gets How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped. Oh, you got jokes. +3

You want to pick me up?
Speaking of strong jokes, Alexandria Cyclones (SS) gets Charlie Strong's Buyout! That is exactly what USF got Texas for Christmas too. +4

Speaking of strong hangovers, Big Papa's Picks (AM) gets a bottle of Vitamin B Complex! Nothing is a miracle cure, but I'll be damned if these things haven't made some strong nights less punishing the next day. B vitamins even play on my Anything Mock Draught team+5

And speaking of the last present, Butt Pickers (ANe) gets the last gift, which is a quarterback! Apparently these are important. The hopefully you'll share this one with the Texans. The Cowboys already have too many. +3

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Sunday, December 11, 2016

P-F16: Hey Wizards. What Is Your Patronus?

First of all, what the heck is a patronus? My wife and/or kids have dragged me to each of the Harry Potter movies, as well as the recent Fantastic Beasts movie. The Potter movies weren't my jam, but the Beasts movie seems to have read from the Marvel Hit Movie Cookbook, and it followed the recipe well.

Don't ask me what Potter book a Patronus was mentioned (or if it is in all of them). I googled patronus and (of course) the Harry Potter wiki page was the first link. Here is what I found.
"This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it."
In normal people words, I assume this is pretty close to a spirit animal. What is your spirit animal?

Left Hand Scissors (GN): Smoking meat (+4)

Phlying Hellfish (AD): One of my favorite brands of tequila? (+4, I see what you did there)

Siemian's Stallions (MM): Not exactly sure what a patronus is, but I got an old ithica 12-guage pump action that I have a fancy for. If not that whiskey definitely whiskey. (+4, ha)

Butt Pickers (ANe): Jabba the Hut (+4)

Alexandria Cyclones (SS): What's a patronus?  Is this a Harry Potter thing? (+3, partial credit)

Bevo XV (DW): Patron vodka (+4, I didn't know Patron made vodka)

Accidentchild (MN): Cowboy (+4, giddyup)

I Look Good On Top (BF): Snake (+4, I'm terrified of you now)

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS): A donkey, duh (+4, it could have been Erin Andrews though)

Pimp Possee (JB): No clue (+3)

Creekside Body Count: Superspike VBall (+4, like)

InnocentBystander (BJ): Tom Savage?  TBH, I had to look up what a patronus is...haha. (+4)

Tannesaurus Rex (CT): Leviosa corona (+4, clever)

Beelzebubbles (CCo): A dead cat (+4, I'm not sure if there is a backstory here, and I'm also not sure I want to know)

Dirt Burglars (DT): Always losing at pickem (+4, funny)

A Northmen (AN): Pottermore says it's a calico cat, I used to say it was a sloth, but now it's more like niffler #ravenclawesome  (+4, nerd)

BlitzKrieg knocked it out the park again, so I'm copying his response below unedited.

BlitzKrieg (RK): I had to ask my 9 year old daughter (she has read all of the Harry Potter books, twice) what it meant. She got so excited and started telling me all about the Patronus Charm and then she started asking questions about the pickem-league and whether it has anything to do with Harry Potter and whether she could join if there were questions like this.

As a result, I neglected to fill it in immediately, thinking that something clever would come to mind. But it hasn't. I'll go with this fearsome, intimidating Patronus:

Inline image 1

We'll see what the Bears and Packers will do when Roary starts prowling their sidelines in the upcoming weeks. The Giants and Cowboys are fortunate that they will not have to deal with my Patronus this year.
(+5!)