Tuesday, September 30, 2014

P-F14: Week 5 Results

Robots are great y'all. They vacuum your floors, they clean your pool, they build your cars, and they (allegedly) kill your terrorists. Robots do a lot of things that we humans frankly do poorly. This is why I'm shocked robots don't built parking garages. You know how I can prove that we suck at building parking garages? Because there isn't a single one on the entire Earth that is the same. On top of that, all of them suck donkey. Don't tell me that it has to do with footprint. I've seen two adjacent garages on a the same block with two different designs. Parking garages are are like freaking snowflakes.

Speaking of robots, Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa) was just a little more human this week against the spread. Dude has been super silent on his 63% ATS methods. I'll crack that code though.

I don't have much else to say about Week 5, a week that I remember most for a lot of bad games. Like I'm sure someone once said, there are no bad games, just bad picks. Our collective NFL Pick'em scores were relatively low this week. And speaking of bad picks, who wants to see this nasty J.J. Watt pick six?

Here are your picks:

BlitzKrieg (RK) and HackerHorn (MF) both picked 11/15 ATS. No one got the best bets ... mostly because Baylor and Texas A&M didn't cover.

BlitzKrieg (RK) and AccidentChild (MN) picked 10/13 straight up, which capped a nice weekend for RK (double double digit week). For the bonus, I get the feeling some of you would have liked the parlay the taco with your chopped beef and po boy. Shameful.

Don't let that get you down.

Monday, September 22, 2014

P-F14: Week 4 Results

How did you do in picking things this week?

Don't forget to look for the tabs on the upper left to see the leaderboard, etc. Week 4, like the week before, was a pretty sleepy week of football. NFL had a Super Bowl rematch that was epic-ish, Clemson/FSU wasn't really as good as the drama, your favorite team probably wo--holy sht did you see that Mississippi State guy stomp on LSU -- I mean stomp LSU -- I mean Mississippi State stomped LSU?

I guarantee you that no Aggie dude saw it because they were too busy spraying their man sauce all over the walls while watching that animal porn video.

I know you've been watching that on repeat, so I don't need to write much about it. Also, this guy already did it better. Let's not get all excited that the cadet did something that 9 out of every 10 normal people would have done. Let's get excited that he did it emoting some much aggyness. Hoot hoot to that.

But speaking of blowouts, how about those Lions!! I just can't watching this.

Another one bites the dust. Here's to you BlitzKrieg (RK).

BlitzKrieg also won the Week 4 NCAA Bonus: What would it take for Jimbo to dismiss Winston?
Any adult who not only accepts, but encourages people to call him Jimbo has no authority or ability to discipline young adults. Jameis could start his own ISIL splinter cell in Tallahassee and it would fall upon the AD and university president to mete out punishment.

Monday, September 15, 2014

P-F14: Week 3 NFL Results

What's going on in the NFL, you guys? Everyone is either injured, a really bad guy, or injured and a really bad guy!!

But these guys are RICH! And we are all a wee bit jealous of that. What if being somewhere on the super shtty guy spectrum was required to be truly great? Could you be great?

All of you that answered "Yes" can sit down now, you terrible bastards. I want to talk with the No's. 

Have you ever joked, "Who do I have to kill to get..."? 

Have you ever joked, "What woman do I have to knock the fk out to get..." 

No? Not the last one? Don't get all pissed at me for typing it. Those are just questions, and we can all agree that the answer about domestic violence is deplorable. But murder? That sht is funny. Am I right?

I'm just kidding y'all. All this stuff is screwing up the league. Can't we just go back to deciding if Redskins is racist?

You can't hate numbers, so check these: NFL WEEK 3 SCOREBOARD

But you know who may not be very racist? Week 3 winner Drop It Like It's Watt (KZ). She had the week wrapped up before Sunday Night Football. Nice.

Week 3 Bonus: Who scores more: JAX, OAK, or SD?
Jacksonville managed 10 against the Washington Red Skin Potatoes.
Oakland scored 14 because JJ Watt.
San Diego scored 30 on Seattle because huh, what? 

About a third of the league got that answer right, which I assume was because they recognized that Oakland and Jacksonville suck.

Now let's all ride out with one of my favorite mashups of all time.

"Don't be a lame, you know the game and how it goes, We tryna get chose" - Pick'em Game Anthem

P-F14: Week 3 NCAA Results - It's all about good picks

At the heart of this game of Pickem-Football is one basic principle: Make good picks. But before you have the opportunity to make these picks, you rely on your game commissioner to pick the games for you to pick. It is with a humble heart that I admit failure this week.

Now I don't often fail, but when I do, I almost never admit it. I'm just saying. My picks weren't good this week and I'm ashamed. Real ashamed. Ashamed like the time I couldn't think of what to cook at my BYU themed tailgate and decided just to do spicy chicken quesadillas. They don't eat spicy chicken quesadillas in Utah. Their signature foods at stuff like a potato casserole called funeral potatoes, lime Jell-O with vegetables in it, burgers with pastrami on them (??), and a dipping sauce for fries that mysteriously is just mayo, ketchup, and relish. Seriously, I looked it up. So while I'm eating enjoying my quesadilla it hit me. Jell-O shots. Jell-O shots would have been fkn PERFECT for the BYU game. Quesadillas is why Texas lost, y'all. I'm sure of it.

With my latest failure, I only ask that you approach my failings with respect, compassion, and understanding of my logic, regardless of its flaws.

Let's begin with the fundamental rules that guide my pick selections every week:
  1. Must have a betting line (e.g. no games against FCS schools). I'm looking at you SEC non-con.
  2. Must fill the 3 basic game time slots. Morning, Afternoon, Evening. 
  3. Don't over think it. Pick the best games.
If I was master NCAA scheduler, I'd have 5 morning, 5 afternoon, and 5 evening games. But what if there aren't 5 good games in each slot? What if there aren't even 15 compelling(-looking) games. If the 3 items above get us a single burger plain and dry, here are the secret menu items that make it a double double animal style with extra everything. Just like your favorite burger arrangement, these rules are very personalized to me.
  1. I like picking my favorite teams, and I assume you do too. Texas is always on the card. That's my deal.
  2. I don't know about what you guys get, but there are typically 10 or more games on at any one time on Saturday. If a game isn't on my TV, that school basically didn't want me to care about that game. 
  3. I always pick one of the last games on TV for the night. Hopefully we all go to bed without knowing our final pickem score.
  4. I'm only human, and I can only watch 5 games at one time. My living room has a cluster of TVs 3 tuners that get all the channels and 2 basic cable converters. For any time slot, if there are going to be more than three games on, the 4th and 5th have to be games I'm not particularly interested in that air on basic cable channels. I'll refer to these as HD and SD from here on. I know this seems overly complicated, but its a complication I gave myself, and will not budge on this rule on weekends that Texas does not have a home game (i.e. weekends that I'm at home).
With these in mind, let's evaluate this week's card.


What Was On The Card? 4 Games
  • HD: UCF @ #20 Mizzou, UMass @ Vandy, Louisville @ Virginia
  • SD: ECU @ Virginia Tech
What Should Have Been On The Card? 1 game

West Virginia 40 @ Maryland 37 (Big Ten Network): This game was entertaining throughout, with West Virginia kicking a late game-winning field goal. The BTN only charges cable companies huge fees if they have customers in a Big Ten's team state, so therefore this does not come through on basic cable in Texas. This game needs to replace something planned for one of my three HD TVs with converters.

What went wrong?

One simple thing. We all overrate the SEC. I'm going to admit that I started with this game on my main television. I'm embarrassed.

You could also argue for the inclusion of Bowling Green @ Indiana, which aired on ESPNU, but I don't think that makes the cut next in any week other than revisionist history week (although I did watch that game on the 5th TV).


What Was On The Card? 4 Games
  • HD: #6 Georgia @ #24 South Carolina, Arkansas @ Texas Tech, Illinois @ Washington
  • SD: Iowa @ Iowa State
What Should Have Been On The Card? Nothing

What a weak midday. I heard Duke and Kansas lined up on the wrong side of the field coming out of the half. Michigan struggled for a half against Miami (OH), but then they remembered the Appalachian State. 

If anything, I should have only put 3 games on the card and leave 8 slots for the evening and late evening. Midday was ripe for trimming, and I should have recognized this because...


What Was On The Card? 6 Games, staggered kickoffs
  • HD: #12 UCLA vs Texas, Tennessee @ #4 OU, Purdue @ #11 Notre Dame, #16 Arizona St. @ Colorado
  • SD: UTSA @ Okie State, Southern Miss @ #3 Alabama, Rice @ #7 Texas A&M
Bama and A&M were back-to-back on ESPN 2. Arizona State was my late game pick.

What Should Have Been On The Card? 4 Games

I'd like to start with an apology to Tiger fans. I missed the LSU game, and with that broke the "favorite team" rule above. Kentucky/Florida and USC/Boston College were also huge misses. I'll give anyone Penn State/Rutgers too. 

As a consolation, I'm adding some great game footage from the LSU game.


What Went Wrong?

Just like my Mizzou gaffe above, I blindly picked Notre Dame because they were on NBC. Ugh. But what other 3 games should have been on the cutting room floor? UTSA was a cute pick .... Illinois/Washington from the afternoon .... and then I'm not sure. I could  have cut the Iowas game from the afternoon or Virginia Tech from the morning, but both of those would have left me with a living room with too few pickem games on TV in the morning and afternoon.

Sorry about the long post. Let's check in with injured Oklahoma State quarterback JW Walsh:


P-F14 Week 3 NCAA Notes


Speaking of good picks, I think it is time to question what Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa) is doing to cheat. He's currently picking 68% against the spread, and he's also stealing all the glory out of my distant 2nd place 58% ATS.

I may have mislead you guys with the bonus question about UCLA routing Texas, but at least none of us lost that pick in Vegas. I would have put all I had on UCLA. For the bonus question, Patriots (PDa) picked the point spread on the nose with 3. I gave him 5 points, and everyone who picked Texas to lose by 7 or less 3 points. The Gurus (ANe) put "Texas wins" as the answer, which was cute (and nearly true), so I gave him 1 point to be kind.

It's time to come clean friends. Who the heck is not named Rich, but is filling out a whole card and selecting "BlitzKrieg" as your team name. C'mon you guys. Rich's last name is buried in the team name, and while it's a good team name, you know your last name isn't Krieg. Stop doing this. You really have Rich worried.

Have you hugged a kicker today?

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

P-F14: Week 3 Cards & Scoreboard links

NCAA Pick'em

NFL Pick'em

P-F14: Week 2 Results Blowout Post

Hey league. Shout out from Jury Room #2 and the Harris County court system. Shout out to civic duties. Shout out to all you potential jurors reading this over my shoulder. I know its tight here, but seriously -- this is awkward.

I’m in two photos already. Shout out to Facebook posts. People freaking post everything to Facebook these days. One of the pictures is a selfie. Tag me. I’m in the one in the photo with the “Seriously?” look on my face.

Week two of FBS games. Week one of NFL games. First blog post. Zero Ray Rices. Anyone ready to change their team name to “Beats by Ray”? That one is still available -- you insensitive bastards.

We do have a history here at Pickem-Football for that kind of stuff. Not domestic violence -- you accusatory bastards. I’m talking about insensitivity. Anyone remember when Turn Down for Whats (KW) made that sweet but country strong Sooner fan quit because of his insensitive remarks about sexual abuse? (She was also last in points and hadn't paid yet, so there was that too, but dude...) she was pissed at KW.

Speaking of KW, is anyone ready for some Manziel? This guy is also.
(NSFW-ish. The Browns and this guy's language.)

I think it is a good time for some instructions of how to Pickem-Football. Let me give you a tour through last week’s scores.

Score Tracking
Use http://bit.ly/pf14-wk02-ncaa-scores as reference.

Take note of a few things in the link above and you will be able to guess where to go for stuff without my emails or blog post. Bit.ly is the link shortener I use. This is mainly so I can give the sheets a consistent name, which I’ll break down below.
  • pf14: That is the league year. When calendar year flips to 2015, we will still be at pf14.
  • wkXX: Next week the links will be “03”.
  • ncaa: That is the contest. You’ll put “nfl” there for the other contest
  • scores: I use “card” for your weekly forms and “scores” for everything else. Google used to let me publish individual tabs in the Google Sheet as pdf or webpage, but that feature is gone. Now you can get everything here, which is mostly good, but I will sometimes be hiding elements in the spreadsheet that aren't ready for publishing. On the flip, you may see some crazy stuff if you happen to be browsing when I’m pulling levers behind the curtain.

How will you be able to track your Week 10 NFL scores? http://bit.ly/pf14-wk10-nfl-scores

OMG, I CAN’T FIND THE LINK TO THE WEEK 4 NCAA CARD?!! http://bit.ly/pf14-wk04-ncaa-card

Obviously, if the document doesn’t exist yet, then those links won’t work.

NCAA Week 2 Scores - How’d you do? http://bit.ly/pf14-wk02-ncaa-scores

If you hate donkeys, then you did really well. KS masterfully picked 11 of 15 against the spread for a win that was locked up before KW passed out in his overalls celebrating touchdowns against Lamar.

Swag b!tch.

But for many of us, Saturday was a much more disappointing day. Especially for Longhorn fans, who have now been banned from DRK for a month by Charlie Strong for not covering our mouths when we sneezed. 

Week 2 NCAA Bonus question: Who scores the least this week? FAU, Eastern Michigan, and Michigan (wtf!?) all put up goose eggs this week. No one picked Michigan, by the way. You can check out your answers at the NCAA Scores link shown above on the “Bonus” tab.

Some other quick score notes: 
  • The league average was 6.7 of 15. We need to stay away from Vegas. (But did anyone get up on UCLA -6 while that was still up? You can still get 7.5. Mortgage the house.)
  • No one ever gets a zero. You can’t score any lower than the lowest picker (lowest score of person that submitted all their picks).
  • Paging Steve Sullivan. Next week SS is deleted.
Tabs on the Week 2 NCAA Scores link:
  • Scorecard: This is the, uh, scorecard. I fill the scores in manually, but I do my best to keep it live-ish. You’ll always be able to check your picks and your year-to-date totals here. You can also see your bonus scores below as they get entered. And speaking of...
  • Bonus: You’ll see this one pop up sometimes if I can fit your answers into a neat table. Your answers and bonus scores are here. Remember that the bonus does not contribute to your pick’em score. This page does not show your miscellaneous bonus points that you can collect each week. I’ll explain that breakdown later.
  • Leaderboard: This is kind of a reformatting of what you already saw on the Scoreboard. However, many of us like to quickly see how close we are to the top. Dean’s Mediocre Picks (DDa)
  • Team Name Key: Just in case you forget your team name, the initials I use for you on the scorecard, or your own name. If you know just one of those three pieces of information, you can find out everything else that you need to know for the other tabs.

NFL Week 2 Scores - How’d you do picking straight up? http://bit.ly/pf14-wk02-nfl-scores

We had a little easier time picking the pay for play guys. It could have been that there were a lot of lopsided matchups… like that Miami/New England game. Like the fella once said. "Ain't that a kick in the head?" [sets softball up on tee, swings for fences] Oh yeah, and speaking of getting kicked in the head.

Anyone see the "Dallas" game? It’s just not in my DNA not to mention it.

Jerry-world is bleeding

Make sure to check out the bonus tab for the “The best part about 2 MNF games is…” answers. You guys were just good enough to entertain me, and let’s be real, that’s what most of this is about anyway. If you have feelings too, there are places you can record those. I record mine in the form of arbitrary bonus points.

Bonus Points
Here is a list of some common recurring points:

  • Have you paid? If you have, you get 1 point per week. This year I’m giving 5 points to everyone who pays before Week 4 starts.
  • Get the last game on every card right, get 3 points. This is sometimes the game of the week, and sometimes it’s just the last game. For the NFL, it’s always the MNF game.
  • Score 10 in the NCAA or 12 in the NFL contest, get 3 points
  • Pick the highest number of correct games for the week, get 5 points.

Finally, "sometimes you have fast players and you end up next to me."