Tuesday, November 29, 2016

P-F16 Week 14 Card and Scoreboard Links

Friends, another wonderful(ly awesome/terrible) NCAA regular season. Did you know this was the last week of your P-F16 NCAA Pick'em life? I bet General Wartz (JM) knows.

You bet General Wartz knows. He's friggin focused on his craft for 13 weeks and is picking 54% against the spread. That is at least enough to stay drunk in Vegas. 

But it is the last week of our P-F16 NCAA Pick'em life. Do you think that General Wartz is sitting behind the computer a little scared. Maybe he is a little depressed from that season long high of picking ass (tm). General Wartz has been beating the spread so hard, embarrassing our collective picking skillz, being the Man, and taking home that championship. General Wartz is the example. 

I can't even imagine the pressure General Wartz has to not totally blow this last card. What is going on between his temples? He probably isn't focused on anything else this week but filing a perfect NCAA card. He'd probably gladly share his card this week with us so we could copy/paste it. Then we could all bask in that last score.

Damn it's the last NCAA week.

NCAA Pick'em

NFL Pick'em

Sunday, November 27, 2016

P-F16: Thanksgiving with Pickem Dash Football Fam

If there is a tradition as rich as Football on Thanksgiving, it is me grading what you brought to our virtual dinner. Let's eat.

Sides are the star of every Thanksgiving meal. Today we have macaroni and cheese from One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS). He says that's all you need, but if that is the case, then I think he misspelled gravy (+3). Accidentchild (MN) brought corn pudding. I had two real Thanksgiving meals this year and no corn pudding (+4, for the addition). Shake and Baker (JN) brings stuffing, which I'm sure he's cleared of any bacteria (+3). And this meal needs some cranberry sauce. In a can (check). On sale 2 for 1 (check). February three years ago (still good). Thanks Swamp Dogs (DR) (+5).

For some reason, we still pile bread on a plate with a meat and eight sides. Bevo XV (DW) brought those Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Those things are magic (+4). We also have those part dry, part gummy white rolls on the table. Thanks Northmen (AN) (+3). Do you guys have that creepy uncle that brings nuts in purple sack? We do. Thanks Creekside Body Count (KH) (+4).

Did anyone say libations? Gig'em (AP) did (+3). 16 National Championships (CG) brought the two of us a half gallon of Maker's Mark (+4). Hopefully the rest of you guys are cool with iced tea. If not, One Man Wolfpack (MF) brought vodka, but you'll have to also put up with his sarcasm (+4). I'll bite. If they made turkey and gravy flavored vodka I'd be asleep in an hour. Slay All Day (CK) has a more cultured corner of the room popping bottles of champagne (+4). Armand de Brignac I'm sure.

Need entertainment? Phlying Hellfish (AD) is bringing the party (+3). Butt Pickers (ANe) brought an appetite (+3). For anyone else that needs help, The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC) brought really good weed (+4). Tannesaurus Rex (CT) is bringing the awkward silences, which is probably the 2nd best part of Thanksgiving next to gravy (+5). To fill those awkward silences, Geaux JJ (KZ) brings "just me," which comes with plenty of ice breakers and inappropriate conversation (+3).

No one should go hungry, and there are a few other delicious items sitting on the table. When I'm not in the corner with CG's half gallon, I'm hovering over Alexandria Cyclones (SS) pimento cheese dip and spiral cut Virginia ham (+4). I Look Good On Top (BF) brought frog legs (+4). If they taste like chicken to you, then you aren't used to having good chicken -- or frog legs. Siemian's Stallions (MM) needs to be invited every year. He brought bacon wrapped goat cheese stuffed dates and an oreo cheesecake (+5). Yum.

Speaking of sweet, Huntwick Hosers (KW) brought that fake ass Sweet Potato Pie. Just kidding, Pumpkin Pie (+3). I like pumpkin pie -- as a side -- to a serving of Cool Whip. Beelzebubbles (CCo) brought a whole table of desserts: Millionaire pie, Better than Sex Cake, Pecan Pie, Praline Cake, Pumpkin cheesecake , cupcakes that look like little turkeys (and whiskey). Holy crap we are screwed (+5). Uh I won't be by the table taking tiny bites of each of these, that's for sure.

Oh hey there's a doorbell.

Commish: "Hey General Wartz (JM), welcome! JC brought weed and CJ has this huge spread of desserts. You may want to stay off of KH's purple sack of nuts. What did you bring?"

JM: "Not Chowder!!" (+3)

Commish: "OK. Hey it's NFL Pick'em Contest leader Lost Cause (JH) pulling up. What happened to the 'stache?"

JH: I didn't bring the 'stache. (+4)

Commish: "Big Papa's Picks (AM). C'mon in.

AM: I brought Charlie Strong as my plus one (+4).

Commish: Charlie, grab a glass of iced tea aaaaaannnd best to steer clear of most of the crowd. BlitzKrieg (RK), you are a huge Charlie guy, right?

RK: "I've held out as a Strong supporter all year, but after attending the game yesterday and witnessing the uninspired performance and general regression of the team, I'm now agreeing that a change is needed. I'm bringing my support for the Herman - Aranda era of Longhorn football to the virtual celebration. Hopefully someone else brings the 17+ million to buy out him and his staff." (+5)

Commish: "Charlie does have that paid glow today. Speaking of Strong supporters, anyone seen Dirt Burglars (DT)?"

DT: "Over here in the virtual lazy boy, sitting my stuffed ass down, watching football, and taking a nap." (+6).

And scene.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

P-F16: Commish A.M.A. (Week 10 NCAA Bonus)

Commish: Alright alright! Ask me anything. Let’s get this started.

Alexandria Cyclones (SS): What motivates you?

Commish: Impressing someone with something they weren’t expecting.

Talks to Animals (JD): Why the heck isn't pickem legal to play for money? you could fill out your slips at the lotto machine!

Commish: I’m for it. We could play at the Astrodome Casino.

Big Papa's Picks (AM): So we get 1/2 a point for a tie in the NFL?

Commish: Nope. There clearly shouldn’t be ties in football. All ties should be decided by a place kicking competition between the two teams’ offensive lineman. So that’s not on me. That’s on Goodell.

Bevo XV (DW): What would it take for Baylor ban to end?

Commish: NCAA sanctions, admission of guilt, or a majority league vote to bring them back -- whichever comes first.

A Northmen (AN): I got nothing. I know all the answers ;-)

Commish: What is “how I feel all the time”? And what else?

Creekside Body Count (KH): Erin Andrews or Sam Ponder?

Commish: Erin Andrews every day of the week and twice through the peephole.

Swamp Dogs (DR): What equation do you use to formulate which games make the cut each week?
Phlying Hellfish (AD): How are the NCAA games chosen?

Commish: Excellent question. First of all, I usually try to avoid non-Saturday NCAA games. The only exceptions are the first week, the last week, and any holiday weeks. I also try to work in teams that people in the league like (based on your answers on the registration form). After that, the card depends on my Longhorn season ticket package. If it is a Longhorn home game weekend, then I'll be out of town, and I scan for what look like good match-ups or games with interesting lines. I do my best to balance the card with games across all time slots, including at least one West Coast after dark game. However if the Longhorns are on the road, my method is even more calculated. In my living room I have five TVs. Three of those TVs get an HD feed and two are only crappy TVs that can only get basic channels. The rule when I'm going to be home is that I want to watch every game on my TVs. To accomplish this, I can’t have more than three games in any time slot that aren’t on a non-HD channel (because of my two crappy TVs, and no more than five total games on at any time. Finally, I prefer to back load the card so that much of the action happens at night. Pretty simple actually.

Beelzebubbles (CCo): When will you mark me as paid and send out my form of payment to the team?

Commish: Here is your receipt. The sweet-ass-‘stashed Lost Cause (JH) picture.

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS): Who is the worst pickem participant since you have started this amazing contest?

Commish: Metaphorically or literally? Maybe that ‘stashe above. But not literally.

Siemian's Stallions (MM): Given the Cubs win this weekend and the long lineage of pick'am Champions what has been the longest championship dry spell in pick'em.

Commish: Possibly 'stashe's cousin, Beelzebubbles (CCo), who hasn’t won since 2003.

Butt Pickers (ANe): Who has the best career pick-em score?

Commish: In 2011, I picker named Chumlee's Banditos finished the NCAA season with 61.4% against the spread. In 2009 Creekside Body Count (KH), then Mr Smokeypants, finished the NFL season with 71.5% (183) correct picks . As a comparison, last year’s winners won with 57% against the spread and 160 correct picks in the NCAA and NFL contests respectively.

I Look Good On Top (BF): Why don't the scores post immediately after each game ends?

Commish: This answer is nuanced. It all depends on the availability and state of mind of the guy on the other end of the scorecard. Somebody has the low pay / no pay job of entering all the scores manually.

Gig'em (AP): When did you start pickem-football and how many participants were there the 1st year?

Commish: The first official year for this pick’em game was 2000. We had 7 participants. Creekside Body Count (KH), then named Second to Nut, won the NCAA contest picking 51.5% against the spread (haha, tough competition then). A Northmen (ANo), then #1 Stunners, won the NFL contest picking 66.8% straight up.

Lost Cause: How much longer do you plan to host the game?

Commish: Until I turn in a set of perfect cards for a weekend. Then I shut it down THAT WEEKEND and return all your money. For those of you curious about our history of perfect cards, this is the last one from 10/29/13.

The Northmen (ANo) filed a perfect NFL card this week -- a truly rare feat. I googled my email and found that our last perfect card was, like, a whole year ago (10/22/12, One Man Wolfpack (MF), NFL Week 8). Before that Monday Night game, I apparently did some P-F history research and wrote the following:

Speaking of correct picks, a perfect card is nearly impossible. One of you old-timers can correct me if I'm wrong, but I only remember it happening twice ever. The most impressive of the two was Northmen's (ANo) perfect weekend, where she correctly picked 15 NCAA games and a full slate of NFL games (16). Mr. Smokeypants almost lived out a little league version of this feat this week. Smokeypants capitalized on an abbreviated card (I accidentally left off one game) during the bye-week part of the NFL schedule and had 11 of 11 picks correct going into the HUGE Ravens-Jags game. Unfortunately he got Flacco'ed.
Pick'em recorded history isn't without its holes, but I could only find 2 NCAA perfect cards and 2 NFL perfect cards. A Northmen's (ANo) perfect weekend was insane and will probably never be matched. She also has the other recorded perfect NCAA card. The 2nd perfect NFL card was by someone not in the league anymore.

We have had 6 perfect cards in the 14 year history of the league, 2 NCAA and 4 NFL. Northmen have 4 of those 6, including the only two ever in NCAA against the spread. That is Hall of Fame bleep right there.

Crigga88 (CF): What do you think about the Aggies at #4

Commish: I think they are going to lose. Really though, I can enjoy watching the Aggies now that they are the SEC’s problem.

Accidentchild (MN): What is the meaning of pickem football?

Commish: “Pick’em” is a style of game and football is the sport we are picking. Strangely enough, no one ever registered that website name, so now it is mine. Ours.

16 National Championships (CG): How many people have paid you?

Commish: 18 of 32

Dirt Burglars (DT): G...Are you skimming something of the top? It sure is a lot of work every week to do it for nothing. Plus you got all those jack asses that don't pay until the end.

Commish: I don’t skim anything. This all makes the football season 10x more fun, even though it is 100x more work than a football fan normally signs up for.

BlitzKrieg (RK): Hey, who cut your hair?

Commish: Let’s talk about the strange tradition of tipping extra around Christmas? I don’t get my hair cut in December because Christmas tipping is stupid, but I hate the pressure of having to do it. In December, no one cuts my hair.

One man Wolfpack (MF): Without football, what would we have to look forward to every year?

Commish: Baseball season ending. 

InnocentBystander (BJ): How will the payout work? ...not that I'll be winning anything. 

Commish: Assuming everyone puts in their 25 "high fives", it’ll look something like below. 
NCAA Pick’em 1st Place: 200 high fives 
NCAA Pick’em 2nd Place: 50 
NCAA Pick’em 1st Place: 200 
NCAA Pick’em 2nd Place: 50 
Bowl Challenge: 150 
NFL Playoff: 150 

Huntwick Hosers (KW): Tell the story how you dreamed to create a perfect pick-em league.

Commish: During my second senior year of college, one of the news stations in Austin had a contest where you download a card and send your picks for prizes. Amanda and I started doing it, then figured out it was just as fun to do it without sending the card in. After I got my first job, I floated a similar idea to several people and just started doing it. In 2000, the cards looked like below, I entered, formatted, and tallied everything by hand. Seventeen years later the process is so much cooler, but the game is just as friggin fun. 

Shake and Baker (JN): Has anyone ever won both nfl and ncaa pickem in the same year?

Commish: In 2004 and 2008 it happened. In 2004 there was a 3-way tie for first in the NCAA contest when Sugar Land Bushleague won, if that counts. In 2008 Novacain swept both contests solo. Neither of those dudes play anymore, and Sugar Land Bushleague was a one and done phenom.

The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC): How high will I rise in the standings after LSU upsets the Gumps this weekend? 

Commish: All I heard was yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw 

 Commish: That’s it pickers. Eat your veggies. Goodbye and good luck.