If there is a tradition as rich as Football on Thanksgiving, it is me grading what you brought to our virtual dinner. Let's eat.
Sides are the star of every Thanksgiving meal. Today we have macaroni and cheese from One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS). He says that's all you need, but if that is the case, then I think he misspelled gravy (+3). Accidentchild (MN) brought corn pudding. I had two real Thanksgiving meals this year and no corn pudding (+4, for the addition). Shake and Baker (JN) brings stuffing, which I'm sure he's cleared of any bacteria (+3). And this meal needs some cranberry sauce. In a can (check). On sale 2 for 1 (check). February three years ago (still good). Thanks Swamp Dogs (DR) (+5).
For some reason, we still pile bread on a plate with a meat and eight sides. Bevo XV (DW) brought those Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Those things are magic (+4). We also have those part dry, part gummy white rolls on the table. Thanks Northmen (AN) (+3). Do you guys have that creepy uncle that brings nuts in purple sack? We do. Thanks Creekside Body Count (KH) (+4).
Did anyone say libations? Gig'em (AP) did (+3). 16 National Championships (CG) brought the two of us a half gallon of Maker's Mark (+4). Hopefully the rest of you guys are cool with iced tea. If not, One Man Wolfpack (MF) brought vodka, but you'll have to also put up with his sarcasm (+4). I'll bite. If they made turkey and gravy flavored vodka I'd be asleep in an hour. Slay All Day (CK) has a more cultured corner of the room popping bottles of champagne (+4). Armand de Brignac I'm sure.
Need entertainment? Phlying Hellfish (AD) is bringing the party (+3). Butt Pickers (ANe) brought an appetite (+3). For anyone else that needs help, The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC) brought really good weed (+4). Tannesaurus Rex (CT) is bringing the awkward silences, which is probably the 2nd best part of Thanksgiving next to gravy (+5). To fill those awkward silences, Geaux JJ (KZ) brings "just me," which comes with plenty of ice breakers and inappropriate conversation (+3).
No one should go hungry, and there are a few other delicious items sitting on the table. When I'm not in the corner with CG's half gallon, I'm hovering over Alexandria Cyclones (SS) pimento cheese dip and spiral cut Virginia ham (+4). I Look Good On Top (BF) brought frog legs (+4). If they taste like chicken to you, then you aren't used to having good chicken -- or frog legs. Siemian's Stallions (MM) needs to be invited every year. He brought bacon wrapped goat cheese stuffed dates and an oreo cheesecake (+5). Yum.
Speaking of sweet, Huntwick Hosers (KW) brought that fake ass Sweet Potato Pie. Just kidding, Pumpkin Pie (+3). I like pumpkin pie -- as a side -- to a serving of Cool Whip. Beelzebubbles (CCo) brought a whole table of desserts: Millionaire pie, Better than Sex Cake, Pecan Pie, Praline Cake, Pumpkin cheesecake , cupcakes that look like little turkeys (and whiskey). Holy crap we are screwed (+5). Uh I won't be by the table taking tiny bites of each of these, that's for sure.
Oh hey there's a doorbell.
Commish: "Hey General Wartz (JM), welcome! JC brought weed and CJ has this huge spread of desserts. You may want to stay off of KH's purple sack of nuts. What did you bring?"
JM: "Not Chowder!!" (+3)
JH: I didn't bring the 'stache. (+4)
Commish: "Big Papa's Picks (AM). C'mon in.
AM: I brought Charlie Strong as my plus one (+4).
Commish: Charlie, grab a glass of iced tea aaaaaannnd best to steer clear of most of the crowd. BlitzKrieg (RK), you are a huge Charlie guy, right?
RK: "I've held out as a Strong supporter all year, but after attending the game yesterday and witnessing the uninspired performance and general regression of the team, I'm now agreeing that a change is needed. I'm bringing my support for the Herman - Aranda era of Longhorn football to the virtual celebration. Hopefully someone else brings the 17+ million to buy out him and his staff." (+5)
Commish: "Charlie does have that paid glow today. Speaking of Strong supporters, anyone seen Dirt Burglars (DT)?"
DT: "Over here in the virtual lazy boy, sitting my stuffed ass down, watching football, and taking a nap." (+6).