Thursday, December 25, 2014

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

P-F14: Week 17 Card & Scoreboard links

NFL Pick'em

Look y'all, he may have effing hit him. You don't know.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

P-F14: Week 16 Cards & Scoreboard links

NFL Pick'em

The Colts mascot is a D.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

P-F14: Week 9 NFL Bonus - YOUR Mid-Season Update

Relax guys. New Orleans is going to be eaux kay, OK. And what is up with New Orleans fans having such high expectations anyway?

Speaking of the Bears, have they ever not been who we didn't already know they were?

I gave you guys a chance to steer the mid-season update, but most of you wanted me to talk about the Seahawks and Cowboys. Let me get this out of the way. Both of these teams are fine y’all. This isn't college football. Every. Game. Doesn't. Matter.

The Cowboys are awesome though. I hope you all agree. Clearly they are WAY different from field to front office than they have ever been. Mark my words. The Cowboys will win a championship.

The Cowboys will win a championship as soon as Jerry Jones tricks the NFL into having no more than one round in the playoffs. (Do you see what I did there? The Cowboys, for an almost an entire generation, have had a hard time winning playoff games.)

What else. What else.

Cold fusion is hot again. No it’s not, it’s dead you guys.

The Texans aren't dead. Because JJ Watt. Moral victories are the warmest.

So I was drinking a beer the other night. Just kidding I am drinking a beer right now. Just kidding beer is gross. Just kidding I was--never mind.

Do you know what is awesome? Saying "burp" when you burp -- onomatopoeia-style. If you disagree, then it is definitely because you have never tried it. Or -- you are my wife. For more fun, add a syllable to your burp onomatopoeia. Don’t get too crazy though. I suggest saying "A Burp," but say it "AHHH BUUUURRRRRP". Trust me. It'll catch on once you try.

Also, Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale is on the shelves again. It’s so delicious. I wrote about it one time. If you don’t care about string theory and who I think will win this thing, check out my post.

String theory is bullshit, by the way. Even crazy scientists need religion, and those crazy scientists made up string theory to believe in. Speaking of… pumpkin beers are also bullshit.

What else sucks? Oakland and the Jets suck.

You asked, so I’ll tell you. Oakland will get the first draft pick next year.

And with the first pick in the 2015 NFL draft, Oakland selects Stainless Jameis Winston.

Rookie of the year will go to Johnny Manziel… if the Texans had drafted him. And the Texans would have beat the Cowboys. And the Texans would be 7-1 right now (lose the first game while Manziel quickly acclimates to the “NFL speed”). Johnny Manziel is the Justin Bieber of doing things awesome.

Dude. What other crap did you guys want to know?

North, South, East, or West? Eastside. Unless you wanted to know about hip-hop. Then the westside is the best side. Unless you were talking about mosquitos. Then the South is best for that. Two words: The North.

How about some hard P-F analysis? In case you haven’t navigated to the leaderboard tabs of the weekly scoreboard, Swampdogs (DR) is winning this thing with Pimp Possee (JB) three points behind. Both are picking ~70%, and that’s why I think BlitzKrieg (RK) will sneak up from 4th place and win. Personally, I’m rooting for Lost Cause (JH), who probably puts 0 minutes into researching his picks because he loves his family more than the game.

(By the way +5 to I Hate Donkeys (KS) for being the only person to answer the bonus question by asking who I thought would win this thing. Now that I think about it, I hope I win, and if I can’t win, then I hope you win.)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

P-F14: Week 7 NCAA Bonus - What is more annoying than the Boomer Sooner song?

Life is full of annoyances. Single riders in the HOV lane. The little pieces of dry skin next to your fingernails. People whistling.

Life is full of wonderful things too, such as college football. Marching bands (excluding the marching part) are one of the many reasons why the college football experience is better than its professional counterpart. Many universities have iconic fight songs that can get the crowd excited with only the first few notes of the song. But not all these fight songs are created equal. Some are boring and repetitive, especially the ones played ad naueum after every play past scrimmage, every penalty, or every time Stoops makes the toad face.

The University of Oklahoma put as much creativity into their fight song as God put into building Stoops' chin.

Here is how you create such an annoying song.

Step 1: Steal Yale's song, Boola Boola. Is their anything more appropriate for a school that identifies with illegally stealing things? Maybe if they had murdered the guy who originally wrote the song. Am I right Boomers?

Step 2: "Improvise" the lyrics. The Yale song has lyrics, but it also has a lot of "Boola Boo, Boola Boo, Boola Boola, Boola Boola, Rah Rah." Oklahomans are a simple folk, so they pretty much just changed all the lyrics to the "Boola" part and made it "Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Soon.." The author did leave a "Rah" in there, and in what is kind of an unexpected dark turn, finished the song by singing about dying dead.

Step 3: Take the half-assed song and play it all the freaking time.

 Go ahead and put this bad boy on repeat for the full effect.

What is more annoying than that? I asked what you thought, but just so you know, there are wrong answers to this question. Like this one.

"'I've been working on the railroad' or maybe the higher tempo of 'Taps'. Hypocrite. Give me zero points it's the same number the UT offense will get." - Naked Bootleggers (JN) 

Fantastically wrong and hateful. If your entire argument is based on the Boomer Sooner song being less annoying than 'Taps' or 'I've Been Working on the Railroad' (both popular and timeless tunes), then you definitely won't be interested in clicking on the histories of Boomer Sooner and the Eyes of Texas. (Spoiler alert, one is waaay interesting than the other). If the point was to hate on the football team, then bravo, your team won -- but the UT offense did score more than the OU offense. Either way, you may have overrated your defense in your comment above. Because I'm a nice guy, I'll double your bonus score this week, since UT doubled up your team in yards gained. Double zeros.

OK. Besides ironically hypocritical answers, what else is annoying?

"The people singing it." - chicainery (CCa)

So -- you said it, not me. +4

"Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Piiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!! Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" - Bevo XIV (DW), A Northmen (ANo), I Hate Donkeys (KS)

Seriously. Pig sooie is about as annoying as it gets. +5

"Joe Paterno truthers:" BlitzKrieg (RK)

Wow. But of course there is a website for that. +5

"People who order eight drinks in the Starbucks drive-through. Unbelievable." - Team Wink (A-C)

You see, that is something that is actually believable, but is also actually annoying. +4 

"My son says me trying to answer this question instead of playing tag with him is more annoying. Gotta go play tag now. Later. " - Lost Cause (JH)

I'm not sure how to score this one. Are you saying kids are more annoying than the Boomer Sooner song, or are you saying that P-F open ended bonus questions are more annoying? 2+2= +4

"Texans fans saying 'it wasn't the Superbowl, you only won by 3 points in OT'" - Beelzebubbles (CCo)

I haven't checked in a while. How are those playoff victories going in the two decades following the last Super Bowl championship? Cowboys fans are pretty annoying.  +2 for almost saying that.

"Boomer. WTF is a Boomer? Sounds like the name of a guy that washes windows for a living. At least Gig 'Em is a military term that is synonymous with a demerit. I hate seeing and hearing the word.....Boomer." - Turn Down for Whats (KW)

That was funny, but let's get serious, because Boomer Sooner is seriously annoying. First of all, gigging is something you do to frogs. My (bookmarked) source for all aggie traditions tells me that the term came before yell practice of a 1930 TCU game.

"Boomer" and "Sooner" have roots only Dan Snyder thinks are complimentary. "Sooners" are the people who illegally stole land. "Boomers" were white settlers that killed Native Indians for land they believed was theirs. Both words are historically awesome, depending on where you are on the "nek" moral scale. +4

"Male cheerleaders" - Brazos Street Big Sticks (KH)

Nope, I'm pretty sure male cheerleaders are pretty awesome. +4

What else, y'all?

Wet socks - Pimp Possee (JB)

Wet socks are super annoying. +4

ou fans in general - AccidentChild (MN)

They can be annoying, especially if they are all Boomer Sooner'd up and in the State of Texas. +4

"Their sorry ass town, the bright ass red uni's that blind a brother and the chicks have jacked grills. Eff those effin' bastards." - 15 National Championships (CG)

Just to be fair though, I've heard the same about Tuscaloosa. No disrespect. I'm just repeating what I've heard. +4

"Katy Perry. But that's it." - The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC)

Katy Perry is not nearly as annoying as the Boomer Sooner song. +3

"Seeing Florida State at #1 because teams like Clemson, who had the game won, just fumble away their chance and allow the rapist/thief Winston to celebrate." - Gig'em (AP)

The State of Mississippi helped correct that problem this week. +4

Speaking of...

"The Mississippi state cowbell" - Peyton's Ponies (MM)

The cowbell is definitely in the same league. +5

"Aggie fans" - HackerHorn (MF)

Aggie fans are just brainwashed and misguided. They are mostly a good people though. +3

"Rocky Top....Tennessee" - Reckless (AK)

Sure, they play that song 100 times a game too, but it's just not as annoying as Boomer Sooner. Science will back me up on that. +4

"The Florida State chop chop song." - Patriots (PDa)

That one is up there. +4

"Oklahoma, the musical. Seriously. It's a musical, about Oklahoma." - Swampdogs (DR) 

I don't know. All of the sudden I'm starting to think Oklahoma is totally awesome! +4

Now I'm in a great mood too.

"I've been workin on the railroad." - Say My Name (RB), The Gurus (ANe)


Oooh. I love a countdown.

"3. Greg complaining about one of the best songs in Oklahoma! one wants to hear that crap they play down south...what is it? I've been working on the railroad? I think they need to change it to I've been working on the chain gang.
2. Another lame ass artical talking about how much better Texas would be if Charlie didn't kick off another player from the team. Get over it...Texas has just as many thugs if not more than OU.
1. Listening to Greg cry after OU beats the hell out of Texas! BOOMER SOONER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Dirt Burglars (DT)

Lots of good stuff in there. I'll just mention two.
1. "One of the best songs in Oklahoma." I'll concede that point without a fight.
2. These two fine young former 5-star rated men are still on Oklahoma's roster ... "redshirting." Feel free to click on these articals (sic)
Dorial Green-Beckham (Spoiler: Drugs, trespassing, and oh, just dragging a girl out of her apartment by her neck and pushing her roommate down the stairs)
Joe Mixon (Spoiler: Clicking this link will make you sad. Mixon hit a female student in self defense, of course, so hard that it left her with a fractured jaw, fractured cheek bone, fractured sinus, and fractured orbit. That's all.)
Soooo, you keep thinking that everyone has the same amount (or kinds) of thugs.

+0 (for taking the bait)

One thing that is almost as annoying, but not quite ...

"Grading all your incorrect answers." - Left Hand Scissors (GN)

+3 to me for having to do that.

Don't be mad cause Texas doing Texas better than ou doing ou.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

P-F14: Week 6 NFL Bonus - Is It Time To Count Out Touchdown Tom?

The Patriots got spanked and yanked in P-F Week 5 at Kansas City. So when is it OK to count out Touchdown Tom?


"Yup. Curse of the Ugg Boots endorsement. That's what you get, douche." - The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC)
I wasn't aware of this curse. Marky Mark is screwed too I guess. But also, this answer is wrong. You never count out Touchdown Tom. +1

"Yes. I think he is Too Old Tom now." - Lost Cause (JH)
Speaking of shoes, you can be too old for Toms, but this answer is incorrect. Don't count him out. +1

"As Don Meredith would sing 'turn out the lights...the party's over...'" - Bevo XIV (DW)
Do not play that song. Do not count him out. +1

"That's Tommy. And if those freaking receivers would just catch the damn ball we wouldn't be having this conversation. Wait, what's that Giselle, you've got to shower and go. Oh okay, now she's gone. Yeah, he's done." - Brazos Street Big Sticks (KH)
Hot, but wrong. +1

"They (Belichick and Brady) have reached their potential. If he was smart he would count himself out and spend the next 5 years shopping for lingerie with his hot ass wife before Belichick cans his butt for a younger QB. One thing Belichick has proven, he will dismiss anyone without remorse...I doubt Brady will be any different." - Say My Name (RB)
He's Touchdown Tom and thus will never count himself out. +1

"Yes" - Drop it like it's Watt (KZ)
No. +1


"Who" - Gig'em (AP)
He's the New England Patriots' QB. He's really good, and something you may not know, he was drafted as a 6th round compensatory pick. +2

"We have to get ready for Cincinnati" - Beelzebubbles (CCo)
As long as in doing so y'all don't count him out. +2

"It is all relative. If you don't care that New England loses, then no, don't count him out. If you do care that New England loses then yes, count him out." - Dirt Burglars (DT)
You do you, but don't count him out. +2

"Give him a flippin offensive line and no. But if they keep jumbling up the line, he is finished." - 93bronco (GF)
But not out, right? +2

"Should have resigned some of his weapons and kept weapons way from the other weapon (Aaron Hernandez)" - Naked Bootleggers (JN)
Touchdown Tom is an uzi. +2

Maybe they should start Giesel? - AccidentChild (MN)
Giesel has never counted out Touchdown Tom. +2

"Was that ever really not a consideration?" - I Hate Donkeys (KS)
Well it wasn't never a consideration. +2


"Never" - Reckless (AK)
Correct! +4

"He's still hotter than all the other quarterbacks." - Team Wink (A-C)
Kinda correct. +3

"Brady is better than at least 80% of the starting QBs. Who is he throwing to? Where is the O-Line? The running game can't hold back the D-line from blitzing either. It's not the end of Brady as a great QB, but thank goodness it's the end of the Patriots and Belicheckism." - The Gurus (ANe)
100%, never count him out. +4

"One bad game isn't time for panic. And to quote Mrs. Brady her 'husband can't do all the fucking jobs' (pretty language from a pretty lady)." A Northmen (ANo)
...which translates to "never fucking count out Touchdown Tom." +5

"While Brady's play has declined somewhat, the bigger factors appear to be his woeful offensive line and a lack of quality targets." - chicainery (CCa)
Precisely Watson. Count out those dastardly villains, but never Touchdown Tom. +4

"Negative. The golden horseshoe still rests comfortably up his ass." - 15 National Championships (CG)
That's right! Wait, what? +4

'No he will quit when he sucks and that's not the case! He needs a new line!!" - cactie (DCo)
Tom may never count out Touchdown Tom +4

"Brady goes off today. 3 scores!" - Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa)
Two, but I feel you not counting him out. +4

"Any leader when surrounded by underperforming and inexperienced slackers cannot meet corporate goals. Oh wait, that's me. Tom will be fine." - Swampdogs (DR)
Ha. +4

"No, he will get back to form. Maybe not 2009 form but he wont be EJ Manuel as well." - Pimp Possee (JB)
Just so we are clear, you still shouldn't count out Touchdown Tom. +4

"He's way too dreamy to be counted out. He just needs a little Ron Washington action to get his head right." - Turn Down for Whats (KW)
Or did Ron Washington get a little Touchdown Tom action? +4

"Being a Texan fan, I'd still give up a first rounder for him today, so I guess not yet." - HackerHorn (MF)
Future Bonus Question: What would you give up for a week AS Touchdown Tom? +4

"No having a rough year and slowly degrading but it't not like he is done. As much as I wish he was." - Peyton's Ponies (MM)
Your heart may hate, but put your money on Touchdown Tom. +4

No. They'll figure out their OL and get him some weapons eventually. This is exactly the type of kick in the ass they needed to prove that an investment in the O is needed. - BlitzKrieg (RK)
Touchdown Tom has been down, but never (counted) out. +4

While topical for this week's bonus question, this bit is done much better by the guy who invented the Touchdown Tom moniker.

Check out this and other Breaking Madden episodes, which are all a special kind of awesome.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

P-F14: Week 5 Results

Robots are great y'all. They vacuum your floors, they clean your pool, they build your cars, and they (allegedly) kill your terrorists. Robots do a lot of things that we humans frankly do poorly. This is why I'm shocked robots don't built parking garages. You know how I can prove that we suck at building parking garages? Because there isn't a single one on the entire Earth that is the same. On top of that, all of them suck donkey. Don't tell me that it has to do with footprint. I've seen two adjacent garages on a the same block with two different designs. Parking garages are are like freaking snowflakes.

Speaking of robots, Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa) was just a little more human this week against the spread. Dude has been super silent on his 63% ATS methods. I'll crack that code though.

I don't have much else to say about Week 5, a week that I remember most for a lot of bad games. Like I'm sure someone once said, there are no bad games, just bad picks. Our collective NFL Pick'em scores were relatively low this week. And speaking of bad picks, who wants to see this nasty J.J. Watt pick six?

Here are your picks:

BlitzKrieg (RK) and HackerHorn (MF) both picked 11/15 ATS. No one got the best bets ... mostly because Baylor and Texas A&M didn't cover.

BlitzKrieg (RK) and AccidentChild (MN) picked 10/13 straight up, which capped a nice weekend for RK (double double digit week). For the bonus, I get the feeling some of you would have liked the parlay the taco with your chopped beef and po boy. Shameful.

Don't let that get you down.

Monday, September 22, 2014

P-F14: Week 4 Results

How did you do in picking things this week?

Don't forget to look for the tabs on the upper left to see the leaderboard, etc. Week 4, like the week before, was a pretty sleepy week of football. NFL had a Super Bowl rematch that was epic-ish, Clemson/FSU wasn't really as good as the drama, your favorite team probably wo--holy sht did you see that Mississippi State guy stomp on LSU -- I mean stomp LSU -- I mean Mississippi State stomped LSU?

I guarantee you that no Aggie dude saw it because they were too busy spraying their man sauce all over the walls while watching that animal porn video.

I know you've been watching that on repeat, so I don't need to write much about it. Also, this guy already did it better. Let's not get all excited that the cadet did something that 9 out of every 10 normal people would have done. Let's get excited that he did it emoting some much aggyness. Hoot hoot to that.

But speaking of blowouts, how about those Lions!! I just can't watching this.

Another one bites the dust. Here's to you BlitzKrieg (RK).

BlitzKrieg also won the Week 4 NCAA Bonus: What would it take for Jimbo to dismiss Winston?
Any adult who not only accepts, but encourages people to call him Jimbo has no authority or ability to discipline young adults. Jameis could start his own ISIL splinter cell in Tallahassee and it would fall upon the AD and university president to mete out punishment.

Monday, September 15, 2014

P-F14: Week 3 NFL Results

What's going on in the NFL, you guys? Everyone is either injured, a really bad guy, or injured and a really bad guy!!

But these guys are RICH! And we are all a wee bit jealous of that. What if being somewhere on the super shtty guy spectrum was required to be truly great? Could you be great?

All of you that answered "Yes" can sit down now, you terrible bastards. I want to talk with the No's. 

Have you ever joked, "Who do I have to kill to get..."? 

Have you ever joked, "What woman do I have to knock the fk out to get..." 

No? Not the last one? Don't get all pissed at me for typing it. Those are just questions, and we can all agree that the answer about domestic violence is deplorable. But murder? That sht is funny. Am I right?

I'm just kidding y'all. All this stuff is screwing up the league. Can't we just go back to deciding if Redskins is racist?

You can't hate numbers, so check these: NFL WEEK 3 SCOREBOARD

But you know who may not be very racist? Week 3 winner Drop It Like It's Watt (KZ). She had the week wrapped up before Sunday Night Football. Nice.

Week 3 Bonus: Who scores more: JAX, OAK, or SD?
Jacksonville managed 10 against the Washington Red Skin Potatoes.
Oakland scored 14 because JJ Watt.
San Diego scored 30 on Seattle because huh, what? 

About a third of the league got that answer right, which I assume was because they recognized that Oakland and Jacksonville suck.

Now let's all ride out with one of my favorite mashups of all time.

"Don't be a lame, you know the game and how it goes, We tryna get chose" - Pick'em Game Anthem

P-F14: Week 3 NCAA Results - It's all about good picks

At the heart of this game of Pickem-Football is one basic principle: Make good picks. But before you have the opportunity to make these picks, you rely on your game commissioner to pick the games for you to pick. It is with a humble heart that I admit failure this week.

Now I don't often fail, but when I do, I almost never admit it. I'm just saying. My picks weren't good this week and I'm ashamed. Real ashamed. Ashamed like the time I couldn't think of what to cook at my BYU themed tailgate and decided just to do spicy chicken quesadillas. They don't eat spicy chicken quesadillas in Utah. Their signature foods at stuff like a potato casserole called funeral potatoes, lime Jell-O with vegetables in it, burgers with pastrami on them (??), and a dipping sauce for fries that mysteriously is just mayo, ketchup, and relish. Seriously, I looked it up. So while I'm eating enjoying my quesadilla it hit me. Jell-O shots. Jell-O shots would have been fkn PERFECT for the BYU game. Quesadillas is why Texas lost, y'all. I'm sure of it.

With my latest failure, I only ask that you approach my failings with respect, compassion, and understanding of my logic, regardless of its flaws.

Let's begin with the fundamental rules that guide my pick selections every week:
  1. Must have a betting line (e.g. no games against FCS schools). I'm looking at you SEC non-con.
  2. Must fill the 3 basic game time slots. Morning, Afternoon, Evening. 
  3. Don't over think it. Pick the best games.
If I was master NCAA scheduler, I'd have 5 morning, 5 afternoon, and 5 evening games. But what if there aren't 5 good games in each slot? What if there aren't even 15 compelling(-looking) games. If the 3 items above get us a single burger plain and dry, here are the secret menu items that make it a double double animal style with extra everything. Just like your favorite burger arrangement, these rules are very personalized to me.
  1. I like picking my favorite teams, and I assume you do too. Texas is always on the card. That's my deal.
  2. I don't know about what you guys get, but there are typically 10 or more games on at any one time on Saturday. If a game isn't on my TV, that school basically didn't want me to care about that game. 
  3. I always pick one of the last games on TV for the night. Hopefully we all go to bed without knowing our final pickem score.
  4. I'm only human, and I can only watch 5 games at one time. My living room has a cluster of TVs 3 tuners that get all the channels and 2 basic cable converters. For any time slot, if there are going to be more than three games on, the 4th and 5th have to be games I'm not particularly interested in that air on basic cable channels. I'll refer to these as HD and SD from here on. I know this seems overly complicated, but its a complication I gave myself, and will not budge on this rule on weekends that Texas does not have a home game (i.e. weekends that I'm at home).
With these in mind, let's evaluate this week's card.


What Was On The Card? 4 Games
  • HD: UCF @ #20 Mizzou, UMass @ Vandy, Louisville @ Virginia
  • SD: ECU @ Virginia Tech
What Should Have Been On The Card? 1 game

West Virginia 40 @ Maryland 37 (Big Ten Network): This game was entertaining throughout, with West Virginia kicking a late game-winning field goal. The BTN only charges cable companies huge fees if they have customers in a Big Ten's team state, so therefore this does not come through on basic cable in Texas. This game needs to replace something planned for one of my three HD TVs with converters.

What went wrong?

One simple thing. We all overrate the SEC. I'm going to admit that I started with this game on my main television. I'm embarrassed.

You could also argue for the inclusion of Bowling Green @ Indiana, which aired on ESPNU, but I don't think that makes the cut next in any week other than revisionist history week (although I did watch that game on the 5th TV).


What Was On The Card? 4 Games
  • HD: #6 Georgia @ #24 South Carolina, Arkansas @ Texas Tech, Illinois @ Washington
  • SD: Iowa @ Iowa State
What Should Have Been On The Card? Nothing

What a weak midday. I heard Duke and Kansas lined up on the wrong side of the field coming out of the half. Michigan struggled for a half against Miami (OH), but then they remembered the Appalachian State. 

If anything, I should have only put 3 games on the card and leave 8 slots for the evening and late evening. Midday was ripe for trimming, and I should have recognized this because...


What Was On The Card? 6 Games, staggered kickoffs
  • HD: #12 UCLA vs Texas, Tennessee @ #4 OU, Purdue @ #11 Notre Dame, #16 Arizona St. @ Colorado
  • SD: UTSA @ Okie State, Southern Miss @ #3 Alabama, Rice @ #7 Texas A&M
Bama and A&M were back-to-back on ESPN 2. Arizona State was my late game pick.

What Should Have Been On The Card? 4 Games

I'd like to start with an apology to Tiger fans. I missed the LSU game, and with that broke the "favorite team" rule above. Kentucky/Florida and USC/Boston College were also huge misses. I'll give anyone Penn State/Rutgers too. 

As a consolation, I'm adding some great game footage from the LSU game.


What Went Wrong?

Just like my Mizzou gaffe above, I blindly picked Notre Dame because they were on NBC. Ugh. But what other 3 games should have been on the cutting room floor? UTSA was a cute pick .... Illinois/Washington from the afternoon .... and then I'm not sure. I could  have cut the Iowas game from the afternoon or Virginia Tech from the morning, but both of those would have left me with a living room with too few pickem games on TV in the morning and afternoon.

Sorry about the long post. Let's check in with injured Oklahoma State quarterback JW Walsh:


P-F14 Week 3 NCAA Notes


Speaking of good picks, I think it is time to question what Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa) is doing to cheat. He's currently picking 68% against the spread, and he's also stealing all the glory out of my distant 2nd place 58% ATS.

I may have mislead you guys with the bonus question about UCLA routing Texas, but at least none of us lost that pick in Vegas. I would have put all I had on UCLA. For the bonus question, Patriots (PDa) picked the point spread on the nose with 3. I gave him 5 points, and everyone who picked Texas to lose by 7 or less 3 points. The Gurus (ANe) put "Texas wins" as the answer, which was cute (and nearly true), so I gave him 1 point to be kind.

It's time to come clean friends. Who the heck is not named Rich, but is filling out a whole card and selecting "BlitzKrieg" as your team name. C'mon you guys. Rich's last name is buried in the team name, and while it's a good team name, you know your last name isn't Krieg. Stop doing this. You really have Rich worried.

Have you hugged a kicker today?

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

P-F14: Week 3 Cards & Scoreboard links

NCAA Pick'em

NFL Pick'em

P-F14: Week 2 Results Blowout Post

Hey league. Shout out from Jury Room #2 and the Harris County court system. Shout out to civic duties. Shout out to all you potential jurors reading this over my shoulder. I know its tight here, but seriously -- this is awkward.

I’m in two photos already. Shout out to Facebook posts. People freaking post everything to Facebook these days. One of the pictures is a selfie. Tag me. I’m in the one in the photo with the “Seriously?” look on my face.

Week two of FBS games. Week one of NFL games. First blog post. Zero Ray Rices. Anyone ready to change their team name to “Beats by Ray”? That one is still available -- you insensitive bastards.

We do have a history here at Pickem-Football for that kind of stuff. Not domestic violence -- you accusatory bastards. I’m talking about insensitivity. Anyone remember when Turn Down for Whats (KW) made that sweet but country strong Sooner fan quit because of his insensitive remarks about sexual abuse? (She was also last in points and hadn't paid yet, so there was that too, but dude...) she was pissed at KW.

Speaking of KW, is anyone ready for some Manziel? This guy is also.
(NSFW-ish. The Browns and this guy's language.)

I think it is a good time for some instructions of how to Pickem-Football. Let me give you a tour through last week’s scores.

Score Tracking
Use as reference.

Take note of a few things in the link above and you will be able to guess where to go for stuff without my emails or blog post. is the link shortener I use. This is mainly so I can give the sheets a consistent name, which I’ll break down below.
  • pf14: That is the league year. When calendar year flips to 2015, we will still be at pf14.
  • wkXX: Next week the links will be “03”.
  • ncaa: That is the contest. You’ll put “nfl” there for the other contest
  • scores: I use “card” for your weekly forms and “scores” for everything else. Google used to let me publish individual tabs in the Google Sheet as pdf or webpage, but that feature is gone. Now you can get everything here, which is mostly good, but I will sometimes be hiding elements in the spreadsheet that aren't ready for publishing. On the flip, you may see some crazy stuff if you happen to be browsing when I’m pulling levers behind the curtain.

How will you be able to track your Week 10 NFL scores?


Obviously, if the document doesn’t exist yet, then those links won’t work.

NCAA Week 2 Scores - How’d you do?

If you hate donkeys, then you did really well. KS masterfully picked 11 of 15 against the spread for a win that was locked up before KW passed out in his overalls celebrating touchdowns against Lamar.

Swag b!tch.

But for many of us, Saturday was a much more disappointing day. Especially for Longhorn fans, who have now been banned from DRK for a month by Charlie Strong for not covering our mouths when we sneezed. 

Week 2 NCAA Bonus question: Who scores the least this week? FAU, Eastern Michigan, and Michigan (wtf!?) all put up goose eggs this week. No one picked Michigan, by the way. You can check out your answers at the NCAA Scores link shown above on the “Bonus” tab.

Some other quick score notes: 
  • The league average was 6.7 of 15. We need to stay away from Vegas. (But did anyone get up on UCLA -6 while that was still up? You can still get 7.5. Mortgage the house.)
  • No one ever gets a zero. You can’t score any lower than the lowest picker (lowest score of person that submitted all their picks).
  • Paging Steve Sullivan. Next week SS is deleted.
Tabs on the Week 2 NCAA Scores link:
  • Scorecard: This is the, uh, scorecard. I fill the scores in manually, but I do my best to keep it live-ish. You’ll always be able to check your picks and your year-to-date totals here. You can also see your bonus scores below as they get entered. And speaking of...
  • Bonus: You’ll see this one pop up sometimes if I can fit your answers into a neat table. Your answers and bonus scores are here. Remember that the bonus does not contribute to your pick’em score. This page does not show your miscellaneous bonus points that you can collect each week. I’ll explain that breakdown later.
  • Leaderboard: This is kind of a reformatting of what you already saw on the Scoreboard. However, many of us like to quickly see how close we are to the top. Dean’s Mediocre Picks (DDa)
  • Team Name Key: Just in case you forget your team name, the initials I use for you on the scorecard, or your own name. If you know just one of those three pieces of information, you can find out everything else that you need to know for the other tabs.

NFL Week 2 Scores - How’d you do picking straight up?

We had a little easier time picking the pay for play guys. It could have been that there were a lot of lopsided matchups… like that Miami/New England game. Like the fella once said. "Ain't that a kick in the head?" [sets softball up on tee, swings for fences] Oh yeah, and speaking of getting kicked in the head.

Anyone see the "Dallas" game? It’s just not in my DNA not to mention it.

Jerry-world is bleeding

Make sure to check out the bonus tab for the “The best part about 2 MNF games is…” answers. You guys were just good enough to entertain me, and let’s be real, that’s what most of this is about anyway. If you have feelings too, there are places you can record those. I record mine in the form of arbitrary bonus points.

Bonus Points
Here is a list of some common recurring points:

  • Have you paid? If you have, you get 1 point per week. This year I’m giving 5 points to everyone who pays before Week 4 starts.
  • Get the last game on every card right, get 3 points. This is sometimes the game of the week, and sometimes it’s just the last game. For the NFL, it’s always the MNF game.
  • Score 10 in the NCAA or 12 in the NFL contest, get 3 points
  • Pick the highest number of correct games for the week, get 5 points.

Finally, "sometimes you have fast players and you end up next to me."


Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Official 2014 Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Post

In no other game in history have there been so many choices. More choices mean more opportunities; more opportunities mean more potential to win and (possibly) defeat your enemies. Picking is easy, but picking football games successfully is only slightly more difficult than flipping a coin.

Gang, whether you are a seasoned veteran or new to this game, you made a great choice today: reading this text. Your choices are truly what define you, and I know that you are perfect, maybe even born specifically, for the 2014 iteration of pickem-football.

I got an email years ago: “Just what is pickem-football?”

Friends, it is possibly one of the greatest tools to both casually follow along during the football season while also practicing your picking proficiency in life.

“Sounds great, but how exactly to you plan on improving my life?” 

The method is simple and effective. By presenting an abundance of choice. An elaborate buffet of choices. Quick, simple, choices. When you find yourself caught up in endless loops of triviality degrading your potential, you can literally tap your finger and pick Texas A&M +10.5 points over the Gamecocks. Bam. Winner.

“Do I literally or figuratively do the tapping?” 

We are now living with one of the greatest tools for good in the history of man: the Interwebs. All your searches and clicks are recorded online. Pickem-football lives online and also records your choices in the form of a Google document.

"For free?"

Literally no one likes picking something for nothing. I remember as a kid waiting in a long line for the Pepsi challenge. But that challenge wasn't about figuring out what sample tasted better. If you picked Pepsi, you got a gift. I picked Pepsi.

Therefore, the cost of pickem-football is  $25 for the entire season, which is seriously a bargain and I'll tell you why. We play for roughly five months, which comes out to something like $0.16 a day, give or take a penny. All of the money collected goes to the winners. The distribution of the pots varies slightly based on the number of players, but is typically about 35% NCAA, 35% NFL, 15% NCAA Bowls, 15% NFL Playoffs. Payouts are given to first and second place players in the regular season games.

“I’m ready, where is the registration link?” 

Good choice. I’ve got your Registration Page link right here buddy.

"I'm on the fence and/or I like reading this stuff"

Cool. Just check out the details below.

The Basics

Pickem-football consists of 4 games, 2 regular-season and 2 post-season games.

Regular season games:

  1. 15 NCAA Games per week. Picked against the spread. Odds provided for each game.
  2. 14-16 (all) NFL Football Games per week. Picked straight up (no spread).

Game cards are built using Google Forms and the links will be emailed to you every week.

On the game card for each week's NCAA and NFL games, I may include optional bonus questions (example from last year). While these won't increase your score for the regular-season games, the "points" are collected and used to give you an advantage in the post-season games. Bonus points are also given to weekly winners, for paying your entry fee early, and for some other random stuff I make up along the way.

Post season games:

  1. 35 (all) NCAA FBS Bowl Games. Picked confidence pool style, straight up (no spread).
  2. 11 (all) NFL Playoff Games. Picked week-to-week against the spread.

After you sign up, I'll email you about sending the entry fee. I'm not strict about getting them in before the first kickoff, but I strongly suggest paying early in the season. If anything, early payers will start accumulating 1 bonus point every week after paying.

Aside from the obvious blast you’ll have spending these five months picking with us, you could potentially have the chance at maybe accelerating your progress toward possible perfection. But whether you use our tools to have fun or to take yourself to the next level, I guarantee* that you’ll have a blast. Now click below and get started on a newer and funer you.

Pick'em Dash Football 2014 Registration Form

* That is a figurative guarantee

Saturday, January 11, 2014

P-F13: NFL Playoff Contest, Part 1 - Welcome to our neutral ground

(hit play for the full effect)

80s. 90s. Same difference.

He promised LSU would win the BCS National Championship.
(Last year too.)

I almost positive that he used some version of "fuck" in every single open ended bonus question last year.
(This year, not fucking once.)

He is the only person I've ever recruited off of someone else's Facebook page.

He's confident. He's honest. He brings these assets to his picks every single week. And to his Facebook comments too. It is high time to bring these principles to the masses. He plays for fun. He plays till he bleeds. He can bring you to your na-na na-na na-na knees. He's The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC), and welcome to our jungle.

Click to enlarge. Last updated 1/19/14 9:03 PM 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

P-F13: Bowl Pick'em Challenge, Part 5 - A Note From The Commissioner, Don't Let Me Down

(hit play for the full effect)

(The commissioner walks out with a slow, short cycled head bob. Finger point. Finger point. He makes his way to the podium in the middle of the stage. White-guy pistol shot to stage left.)

When I made myself Commissioner a little over a decade ago, I didn't know the magnitude of the challenge before me. I was merely copying a online game by a local Austin news station. Now I'm entrusted with promoting and protecting picks from all over the globe. Each pick representing the gamble of someone's hard earned penny.

But I also have another important role: Science .... Innovation .... Ensuring .... Challenges .... Ideas .... Translation .... Product .... Opportunity. Stuff.

Today is a critical day for Bowl Picks. Despite some of us struggling in this Pick'em economy, there are signs that several of you could still win this thing. Today's games could make or break some of you, but no matter what happens, remember that you'll always have your health. (ed note: Pick'em Dash Football is not responsible for your health -- see

I think you will all agree based on the above that it is clear that the Bowl Pick'em Challenge is at an important crossroad today. A crossroad where the science of confidence picking presents you with an opportunity to leave your fellow Pick'em friends in your dust. Capitalize on today. Globe. Family. Leader. Goal.

C'mon motherfuckers, c'mon. Don't let me down.

CONGRATS TO 15 National Championships (CG) on the victory.

Click to enlarge. Last updated 1/6/14 11:05 PM