Monday, November 30, 2009

To: Longhorns, From: Aggieland

[updated with comments 11/30/09]

In case you guys didn't get this in your inbox from your favorite agricultural friend or see it on the web boards in your daily scanning of TexAgs.com, I present you with a little hate note written to the Longhorns. I don't know all the rules, but I'm assuming that my posting of this won't enter the territory of jinxes. I'll save my thoughts on this lovely letter till after the game.

-G*

Dear T-Sips-

I hate you. I hate your athletic program. I hate your liberal, pinko institution of higher learning. I hate your city, which is a stain on the greatest state in the union. I hate your stupid ass tower. I hate your sense of entitlement.

Nice. "I hate you. You are communist. You're city sucks." This letter is off to a good start, and when I say good, I mean integrity and credibility were lost in the first few sentences. I particularly like the comment about Austin being a stain on Texas. If by stain he meant greater in a way that no other Texas city can touch, then I agree.

I hate that you mock A&M because we have a sense of comradery that you could never hope to have or understand.

Don't mistake "mocking" or "understanding" for a lack of caring. Aggies cling to their traditions, whatever, whoop. The fact is, outside of College Station and those that the institution has brainwashed, all those traditions are meaningless. You like to take care of your own? Guess what... who doesn't? This "comradery" isn't too different from that of some religious faiths/cults too... just sayin'.

I hate that fucking Longhorn logo. I hate that I can't go into a Wal-Mart in Texas without seeing 20 overweight inbred yokels sporting tu gear.

I hate that you can't remember that in the 90s 40 overweight inbred yokels were sporting tamu gear at the local Wal-Mart. I love that you go to Wal-Mart though.

I hate burnt orange. I hate that you always have the refs in your back pocket. I hate that your players break every law in the book and get suspended for a half against the Ray Charles school for the deaf and blind. I hate that you cheat just like everyone else and get away with it.

Define "cheat." I'd say that UT has a pretty good track record with the NCAA and major rule violations. On the other hand, comrad-u has been busted several times and been handed down a few sanctions. It is interesting that most periods of perceived aggie greatness were during times when there was more than just a cloud of angry fan suspicion about NCAA violations. See Jackie Sherill/R.C. Slocum era. I'll spot you the Bear Bryant era, since that is before my time and this post is not worth any research.

I hate that you think "aggy" is somehow insulting.

But "tu" and "horns down" are, like, sooooo cool. Man, when you do that, I'm like, "Daaaaaaaaammmmnnnnn I. JUST. GOT. SERRRRRRRRRRRVED!"

I hate Mack Brown. I hate Jordan Shipley. I hate Sergio Kindle. But most of all, I hate that Fucking vagina you have under center and hope his whittle whabia takes one more pounding at the hands of A&M before his venture into the CFL begins.

Do you also hate babies, puppies, and flowers? What's your opinion on goats? I bet you are giving the "thumbs up" hand signal right now.

One thing I don't hate are individual sip fans, but I despise the entity that is Texas University. I straight up hate everything about it and everything it stands for.

Aw thanks! Oh wait, never mind dick.

A few notes going into Turkey Day…

1: Anyone who thinks tu is going to walk into Kyle and win by 40 like last year is delusional. We probably won't beat you, but you are in for a dogfight. This IS our superbowl, and every ounce of pressure is on tu. You know it and we know it. Bring it beetches.

Texas 49 - Aggies 39. You were right. You predicted that the Horns would win and that it wouldn't be by 40. Since you are on such a hot streak with your prognostications, I suggest Vegas. You are pretty, pretty good my friend. I hear sportsbooks usually honor the moral victory argument too. You'll be fine.

Also, does it embarrass you in the least that your team only shows up for 1 game a year in an 11 or 12 game season? Is that a tradition too? I've said this many times before, I would accept losing to either ou or tamu EVERY SINGLE YEAR if it came with the guarantee that we'd go undefeated in all other games. I guess aggies wouldn't mind the opposite, which is either a loser's mentality and/or another example of backwards aggie logic.

2: No matter what happpens, he will always be known as Cart McCry. Nothing he can do in this or any other game can ever change that. He got carted off the field for an "injury" that most middle schoolers walk off. Accept that your QB is a little Pussy who happens to be really good at football and move on.

Clever nickname... and what the fk does "happens to be really good at football" mean? Winningest QB in NCAA history? I guess I'll just accept that Colt is a little "Pussy." I also would like to apologize for some comments I've made recently. Your defense is definitely NOT a bunch of pussies. That crew just blows.

3: tu is looking to even the series with A&M since A&M has had a legitimate athletic program. Good luck with that.

Why not just define the series in the last 4 years? Then we'd be even. The fact is, our series with Baylor (73-22-4) has almost the same overall record as your rivalry (75-36-5) does. We also hold an advantage over our real rivals, Oklahoma (59-40-5). The difference is that game is often played with something big on the line and there have been entire decades of games where the underdog pulled off the upset. Aside from coach Fran's magic, this can't be said for the vast majority of Texas/tamu games. In the Mack Brown era, UT is 8-3 in the series. Only once was A&M a higher ranked team (going in or coming out) than Texas (1998, over a decade ago), and the #6 Aggies lost that game. The Aggies won in 1999, then went on a losing streak that didn't end until the aforementioned back-to-back wins by Fran's last teams in '06 and '07.

4: Finally, and I mean this in the most sincere manner possible, FUCK TEXAS

Amen, and WHOOOPsss

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