Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

P-F14: Week 9 NFL Bonus - YOUR Mid-Season Update

Relax guys. New Orleans is going to be eaux kay, OK. And what is up with New Orleans fans having such high expectations anyway?

Speaking of the Bears, have they ever not been who we didn't already know they were?

I gave you guys a chance to steer the mid-season update, but most of you wanted me to talk about the Seahawks and Cowboys. Let me get this out of the way. Both of these teams are fine y’all. This isn't college football. Every. Game. Doesn't. Matter.

The Cowboys are awesome though. I hope you all agree. Clearly they are WAY different from field to front office than they have ever been. Mark my words. The Cowboys will win a championship.



The Cowboys will win a championship as soon as Jerry Jones tricks the NFL into having no more than one round in the playoffs. (Do you see what I did there? The Cowboys, for an almost an entire generation, have had a hard time winning playoff games.)

What else. What else.

Cold fusion is hot again. No it’s not, it’s dead you guys.

The Texans aren't dead. Because JJ Watt. Moral victories are the warmest.

So I was drinking a beer the other night. Just kidding I am drinking a beer right now. Just kidding beer is gross. Just kidding I was--never mind.

Do you know what is awesome? Saying "burp" when you burp -- onomatopoeia-style. If you disagree, then it is definitely because you have never tried it. Or -- you are my wife. For more fun, add a syllable to your burp onomatopoeia. Don’t get too crazy though. I suggest saying "A Burp," but say it "AHHH BUUUURRRRRP". Trust me. It'll catch on once you try.

Also, Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale is on the shelves again. It’s so delicious. I wrote about it one time. If you don’t care about string theory and who I think will win this thing, check out my post.

String theory is bullshit, by the way. Even crazy scientists need religion, and those crazy scientists made up string theory to believe in. Speaking of… pumpkin beers are also bullshit.

What else sucks? Oakland and the Jets suck.

You asked, so I’ll tell you. Oakland will get the first draft pick next year.

And with the first pick in the 2015 NFL draft, Oakland selects Stainless Jameis Winston.


Rookie of the year will go to Johnny Manziel… if the Texans had drafted him. And the Texans would have beat the Cowboys. And the Texans would be 7-1 right now (lose the first game while Manziel quickly acclimates to the “NFL speed”). Johnny Manziel is the Justin Bieber of doing things awesome.


Dude. What other crap did you guys want to know?

North, South, East, or West? Eastside. Unless you wanted to know about hip-hop. Then the westside is the best side. Unless you were talking about mosquitos. Then the South is best for that. Two words: The North.


How about some hard P-F analysis? In case you haven’t navigated to the leaderboard tabs of the weekly scoreboard, Swampdogs (DR) is winning this thing with Pimp Possee (JB) three points behind. Both are picking ~70%, and that’s why I think BlitzKrieg (RK) will sneak up from 4th place and win. Personally, I’m rooting for Lost Cause (JH), who probably puts 0 minutes into researching his picks because he loves his family more than the game.



(By the way +5 to I Hate Donkeys (KS) for being the only person to answer the bonus question by asking who I thought would win this thing. Now that I think about it, I hope I win, and if I can’t win, then I hope you win.)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

P-F14: Week 7 NCAA Bonus - What is more annoying than the Boomer Sooner song?

Life is full of annoyances. Single riders in the HOV lane. The little pieces of dry skin next to your fingernails. People whistling.

Life is full of wonderful things too, such as college football. Marching bands (excluding the marching part) are one of the many reasons why the college football experience is better than its professional counterpart. Many universities have iconic fight songs that can get the crowd excited with only the first few notes of the song. But not all these fight songs are created equal. Some are boring and repetitive, especially the ones played ad naueum after every play past scrimmage, every penalty, or every time Stoops makes the toad face.


The University of Oklahoma put as much creativity into their fight song as God put into building Stoops' chin.

Here is how you create such an annoying song.

Step 1: Steal Yale's song, Boola Boola. Is their anything more appropriate for a school that identifies with illegally stealing things? Maybe if they had murdered the guy who originally wrote the song. Am I right Boomers?

Step 2: "Improvise" the lyrics. The Yale song has lyrics, but it also has a lot of "Boola Boo, Boola Boo, Boola Boola, Boola Boola, Rah Rah." Oklahomans are a simple folk, so they pretty much just changed all the lyrics to the "Boola" part and made it "Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Soon.." The author did leave a "Rah" in there, and in what is kind of an unexpected dark turn, finished the song by singing about dying dead.

Step 3: Take the half-assed song and play it all the freaking time.

 Go ahead and put this bad boy on repeat for the full effect.



What is more annoying than that? I asked what you thought, but just so you know, there are wrong answers to this question. Like this one.

"'I've been working on the railroad' or maybe the higher tempo of 'Taps'. Hypocrite. Give me zero points it's the same number the UT offense will get." - Naked Bootleggers (JN) 

Fantastically wrong and hateful. If your entire argument is based on the Boomer Sooner song being less annoying than 'Taps' or 'I've Been Working on the Railroad' (both popular and timeless tunes), then you definitely won't be interested in clicking on the histories of Boomer Sooner and the Eyes of Texas. (Spoiler alert, one is waaay interesting than the other). If the point was to hate on the football team, then bravo, your team won -- but the UT offense did score more than the OU offense. Either way, you may have overrated your defense in your comment above. Because I'm a nice guy, I'll double your bonus score this week, since UT doubled up your team in yards gained. Double zeros.

OK. Besides ironically hypocritical answers, what else is annoying?

"The people singing it." - chicainery (CCa)

So -- you said it, not me. +4

"Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Piiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!! Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" - Bevo XIV (DW), A Northmen (ANo), I Hate Donkeys (KS)

Seriously. Pig sooie is about as annoying as it gets. +5

"Joe Paterno truthers: http://www.FramingPaterno.com/" BlitzKrieg (RK)

Wow. But of course there is a website for that. +5

"People who order eight drinks in the Starbucks drive-through. Unbelievable." - Team Wink (A-C)

You see, that is something that is actually believable, but is also actually annoying. +4 

"My son says me trying to answer this question instead of playing tag with him is more annoying. Gotta go play tag now. Later. " - Lost Cause (JH)

I'm not sure how to score this one. Are you saying kids are more annoying than the Boomer Sooner song, or are you saying that P-F open ended bonus questions are more annoying? 2+2= +4

"Texans fans saying 'it wasn't the Superbowl, you only won by 3 points in OT'" - Beelzebubbles (CCo)

I haven't checked in a while. How are those playoff victories going in the two decades following the last Super Bowl championship? Cowboys fans are pretty annoying.  +2 for almost saying that.

"Boomer. WTF is a Boomer? Sounds like the name of a guy that washes windows for a living. At least Gig 'Em is a military term that is synonymous with a demerit. I hate seeing and hearing the word.....Boomer." - Turn Down for Whats (KW)

That was funny, but let's get serious, because Boomer Sooner is seriously annoying. First of all, gigging is something you do to frogs. My (bookmarked) source for all aggie traditions tells me that the term came before yell practice of a 1930 TCU game.

"Boomer" and "Sooner" have roots only Dan Snyder thinks are complimentary. "Sooners" are the people who illegally stole land. "Boomers" were white settlers that killed Native Indians for land they believed was theirs. Both words are historically awesome, depending on where you are on the "nek" moral scale. +4

"Male cheerleaders" - Brazos Street Big Sticks (KH)

Nope, I'm pretty sure male cheerleaders are pretty awesome. +4




What else, y'all?

Wet socks - Pimp Possee (JB)

Wet socks are super annoying. +4

ou fans in general - AccidentChild (MN)

They can be annoying, especially if they are all Boomer Sooner'd up and in the State of Texas. +4

"Their sorry ass town, the bright ass red uni's that blind a brother and the chicks have jacked grills. Eff those effin' bastards." - 15 National Championships (CG)

Just to be fair though, I've heard the same about Tuscaloosa. No disrespect. I'm just repeating what I've heard. +4

"Katy Perry. But that's it." - The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC)

Katy Perry is not nearly as annoying as the Boomer Sooner song. +3



"Seeing Florida State at #1 because teams like Clemson, who had the game won, just fumble away their chance and allow the rapist/thief Winston to celebrate." - Gig'em (AP)

The State of Mississippi helped correct that problem this week. +4

Speaking of...

"The Mississippi state cowbell" - Peyton's Ponies (MM)

The cowbell is definitely in the same league. +5

"Aggie fans" - HackerHorn (MF)

Aggie fans are just brainwashed and misguided. They are mostly a good people though. +3

"Rocky Top....Tennessee" - Reckless (AK)

Sure, they play that song 100 times a game too, but it's just not as annoying as Boomer Sooner. Science will back me up on that. +4

"The Florida State chop chop song." - Patriots (PDa)

That one is up there. +4

"Oklahoma, the musical. Seriously. It's a musical, about Oklahoma." - Swampdogs (DR) 

I don't know. All of the sudden I'm starting to think Oklahoma is totally awesome! +4



Now I'm in a great mood too.

"I've been workin on the railroad." - Say My Name (RB), The Gurus (ANe)

WRONG! +0

Oooh. I love a countdown.

"3. Greg complaining about one of the best songs in Oklahoma! Anyways...no one wants to hear that crap they play down south...what is it? I've been working on the railroad? I think they need to change it to I've been working on the chain gang.
2. Another lame ass artical talking about how much better Texas would be if Charlie didn't kick off another player from the team. Get over it...Texas has just as many thugs if not more than OU.
1. Listening to Greg cry after OU beats the hell out of Texas! BOOMER SOONER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Dirt Burglars (DT)

Lots of good stuff in there. I'll just mention two.
1. "One of the best songs in Oklahoma." I'll concede that point without a fight.
2. These two fine young former 5-star rated men are still on Oklahoma's roster ... "redshirting." Feel free to click on these articals (sic)
Dorial Green-Beckham (Spoiler: Drugs, trespassing, and oh, just dragging a girl out of her apartment by her neck and pushing her roommate down the stairs)
Joe Mixon (Spoiler: Clicking this link will make you sad. Mixon hit a female student in self defense, of course, so hard that it left her with a fractured jaw, fractured cheek bone, fractured sinus, and fractured orbit. That's all.)
Soooo, you keep thinking that everyone has the same amount (or kinds) of thugs.

+0 (for taking the bait)

One thing that is almost as annoying, but not quite ...

"Grading all your incorrect answers." - Left Hand Scissors (GN)

+3 to me for having to do that.

Don't be mad cause Texas doing Texas better than ou doing ou.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

P-F14: Week 6 NFL Bonus - Is It Time To Count Out Touchdown Tom?

The Patriots got spanked and yanked in P-F Week 5 at Kansas City. So when is it OK to count out Touchdown Tom?

YES. IT'S TIME TO COUNT OUT TOUCHDOWN TOM.

"Yup. Curse of the Ugg Boots endorsement. That's what you get, douche." - The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC)
I wasn't aware of this curse. Marky Mark is screwed too I guess. But also, this answer is wrong. You never count out Touchdown Tom. +1

"Yes. I think he is Too Old Tom now." - Lost Cause (JH)
Speaking of shoes, you can be too old for Toms, but this answer is incorrect. Don't count him out. +1

"As Don Meredith would sing 'turn out the lights...the party's over...'" - Bevo XIV (DW)
Do not play that song. Do not count him out. +1

"That's Tommy. And if those freaking receivers would just catch the damn ball we wouldn't be having this conversation. Wait, what's that Giselle, you've got to shower and go. Oh okay, now she's gone. Yeah, he's done." - Brazos Street Big Sticks (KH)
Hot, but wrong. +1

"They (Belichick and Brady) have reached their potential. If he was smart he would count himself out and spend the next 5 years shopping for lingerie with his hot ass wife before Belichick cans his butt for a younger QB. One thing Belichick has proven, he will dismiss anyone without remorse...I doubt Brady will be any different." - Say My Name (RB)
He's Touchdown Tom and thus will never count himself out. +1

"Yes" - Drop it like it's Watt (KZ)
No. +1

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE?

"Who" - Gig'em (AP)
He's the New England Patriots' QB. He's really good, and something you may not know, he was drafted as a 6th round compensatory pick. +2

"We have to get ready for Cincinnati" - Beelzebubbles (CCo)
As long as in doing so y'all don't count him out. +2

"It is all relative. If you don't care that New England loses, then no, don't count him out. If you do care that New England loses then yes, count him out." - Dirt Burglars (DT)
You do you, but don't count him out. +2

"Give him a flippin offensive line and no. But if they keep jumbling up the line, he is finished." - 93bronco (GF)
But not out, right? +2

"Should have resigned some of his weapons and kept weapons way from the other weapon (Aaron Hernandez)" - Naked Bootleggers (JN)
Touchdown Tom is an uzi. +2

Maybe they should start Giesel? - AccidentChild (MN)
Giesel has never counted out Touchdown Tom. +2

"Was that ever really not a consideration?" - I Hate Donkeys (KS)
Well it wasn't never a consideration. +2

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS NO, YOU NEVER COUNT OUT TOUCHDOWN TOM

"Never" - Reckless (AK)
Correct! +4

"He's still hotter than all the other quarterbacks." - Team Wink (A-C)
Kinda correct. +3

"Brady is better than at least 80% of the starting QBs. Who is he throwing to? Where is the O-Line? The running game can't hold back the D-line from blitzing either. It's not the end of Brady as a great QB, but thank goodness it's the end of the Patriots and Belicheckism." - The Gurus (ANe)
100%, never count him out. +4

"One bad game isn't time for panic. And to quote Mrs. Brady her 'husband can't do all the fucking jobs' (pretty language from a pretty lady)." A Northmen (ANo)
...which translates to "never fucking count out Touchdown Tom." +5

"While Brady's play has declined somewhat, the bigger factors appear to be his woeful offensive line and a lack of quality targets." - chicainery (CCa)
Precisely Watson. Count out those dastardly villains, but never Touchdown Tom. +4

"Negative. The golden horseshoe still rests comfortably up his ass." - 15 National Championships (CG)
That's right! Wait, what? +4

'No he will quit when he sucks and that's not the case! He needs a new line!!" - cactie (DCo)
Tom may never count out Touchdown Tom +4

"Brady goes off today. 3 scores!" - Dean's Mediocre Picks (DDa)
Two, but I feel you not counting him out. +4

"Any leader when surrounded by underperforming and inexperienced slackers cannot meet corporate goals. Oh wait, that's me. Tom will be fine." - Swampdogs (DR)
Ha. +4

"No, he will get back to form. Maybe not 2009 form but he wont be EJ Manuel as well." - Pimp Possee (JB)
Just so we are clear, you still shouldn't count out Touchdown Tom. +4

"He's way too dreamy to be counted out. He just needs a little Ron Washington action to get his head right." - Turn Down for Whats (KW)
Or did Ron Washington get a little Touchdown Tom action? +4

"Being a Texan fan, I'd still give up a first rounder for him today, so I guess not yet." - HackerHorn (MF)
Future Bonus Question: What would you give up for a week AS Touchdown Tom? +4

"No having a rough year and slowly degrading but it't not like he is done. As much as I wish he was." - Peyton's Ponies (MM)
Your heart may hate, but put your money on Touchdown Tom. +4

No. They'll figure out their OL and get him some weapons eventually. This is exactly the type of kick in the ass they needed to prove that an investment in the O is needed. - BlitzKrieg (RK)
Touchdown Tom has been down, but never (counted) out. +4



While topical for this week's bonus question, this bit is done much better by the guy who invented the Touchdown Tom moniker.



Check out this and other Breaking Madden episodes, which are all a special kind of awesome.