Tuesday, November 9, 2021

P-F21: Week 10 NFL Bonus - Baseball is over, now what?

Losing baseball season isn’t like losing football, but it can still be a difficult event for some. While we are deprived of baseball season’s physical presence, we can still reconcile -- you know what, we’ll figure it out. Below are some ways you are honoring the memory or just moving right along.


Astros! (AP): “Go to sleep on time during the week!” (3) -- apparently you aren’t into MACtion

Beelzebubbles (CC): “Now I can get some decent sleep during the work week” (3)

More time for football

18 National Championships (CG): “Plenty of football and golf” (2)

Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK): “MACtion!” (4) -- yes!

Holiday, celebrate!

Masks [ON]/OFF (RH): “Fried turkey, gravy and pie, oh my!!” (5) -- love this answer

Swamp Dogs (DR): “Christmas!!! Put up that tree!” (3)

Any (other) sport will do

A Northmen (AN): “bout time to focus on the real sport, table tennis!!” (4) -- feels like a baseball slight

T-Horns Fall (AM): “Water polo season is here” (4) -- I'm on to you guys

Huntwick Hosers (KW): “College Football Playoff talk, definitely not basketball” (4) -- just talking about future football >> baseball

Bourbon Barristers (KH): “Canelo tonight!!!” (3)

Shake and Baker (JN): “I didn’t notice” (3) -- they don't have baseball in the sooner state?

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “We can cheer on the Rockets to a championship!  Oh wait, they're 1-6...” (3) -- yeeeaaaahhhh

More time for picks

Riggsmtb713 (CR): “How did I not Get this pick ‘em ??” (2) -- more time for checking email too ;)

Left Hand Scissors (GN): “No one is picking baseball, you guys” (3)

Baseball is always on my mind

Bevo XV (DW): “Joe West's retirement party.  Attended by no one.” (3)

Variants are for beer (KS): “Free agency” (4)

Accidentchild (MN): “Arguing whether the Astros are cheaters or just smarter.” (3) -- it’s not a binary thing

Monkey stuff

Buddy the Chimp (BC): “Strip clubs” (4) -- Buddy, I see what you did there, you assassin




Tuesday, October 26, 2021

P-F21: Week 7 NFL Bonus: Best news of the year!

It’s a mad world. Let’s parse out some good. Everyone gets POSITIVE bonus scores!

(One thing though. I forgot to add “in the NFL” to my bonus question, but maybe you guys behaved yourselves)

A Northmen (AN): “Brittney's dad will no longer be her conservator! #freebritney” She went on with a bunch of crap about TSwift, but I’ll spare you. On Brit, of course, she should have the right the fk up her life. That’s great news! +4

T-Horns (AM): “Matt Jones developing earlier than expected.” Wait, are we talking about Mac Jones? +2?

Astros! (AP): “OU/Texas coming to the SEC!” This is great news. See what happened is Texas got in OU’s head, then Texas “Trojan Horsed” their themselves in the SEC, where Texas will then ruin the SEC from the inside. +3

Buddy the Chimp (BC): “Bananas.” Buddy, you get bananas all the time. Dream bigger. +3

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO): “Just destroying America is not enough for Joe Biden, so he destroyed Afghanistan. I wonder what country will be next?” Russia will destroy Biden before he gets too much credit for American chaos. +2

Beelzebubbles (CC): “The  William Shatner ride to the edge of space of course!!!!!” I love this answer. +4

18 National Championships (CG): “That Roger Goodell continues to be a solid little bitch in having his minions comb through all NFL staff emails. I wonder what his inbox would turn up. FK you Roger, signed all Saints fans.” This is the best news for Saints fans, apparently. +4

Riggsmtb713 (CR): “Trump 2024.” But wouldn’t the best development be who is chosen for VP? +2

Swamp Dogs (DR): “Urban Meyer being lapdanced was pretty fun.” I’d never sympathized with Meyer until that moment. +3

Bevo XV (DW): “Urban Meyer's lap dance.” Seems like it’s been since the last answer that I sympathized with Meyer. +3

Left Hand Scissors (GN): “It looks like we are just about done canceling people.” j/k lol +3

Shake and Baker (JN): “Brandon.” If you think I disagree, then I disagree with you. +3

Bourbon Barristers (KH): “Manning cast!” This is may not be the only best answer, but it’s the only correct answer. +5

Variants are for beer (KS): “The current pickem scoreboard.” We’ll love you if you are losing too. +3

Huntwick Hosers (KW): “Jerry Jones has been oddly quiet, I wonder if his new TV deal says that he has to keep a lower profile.” Which one of those is the lesser of evils? +2

Accidentchild (MN): “Diggs.” He’s been amazing. +4

Masks [ON]/OFF (RH): “Finally, an attempt to ease the backlogs at shipping ports was announced this morning.  Fingers crossed.” We could ease the backlog if we created some sort of “support the dock workers” campaign. +3

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

P-F21: Week 6 NCAA Bonus - Positivity Leaders

Many times you can’t control what happens to you, but you can always control your reaction to what’s happening. Everybody, even Alabama fans, deals with setbacks. How do wrap your head around a place like College Station? The answer is a positive attitude.

I struggle with depression nearly every year in mid-October, but I’ve learned to look at the better side of these events. Someone on the internet may say a positive attitude will cure disease. If it can do that, then it can no doubt lead to better picks.

This was your goal this week, and we practiced on the universally loved but historically disappointed Longhorns and Sooners. Are the Longhorns hurting inside? Secretly. The Sooners? If money can’t buy you love, then do you think wins can?

It is hate week for Sooners and Longhorns. Since all the fans will be filled with hate, say something nice to one or both of the fan bases.

Positive Leadership

A Northmen (AN) – “Thank you for putting the horns down, it means you hate us more than you love yourself. What an amazing compliment. Have a nice day hater. :-)” Alright alright alright. That’s positive. +4

Astros! (AP) – “On the bright side, one of you will win today!” While not negative, this is minimal positivity effort here. +1

Cornholio's Bunghole (BO) – “I've never been so happy to be from AZ.” It’s always sunny in Arizona? +2

18 National Championships (CG) – “We welcome you to the SEC and look forward to both sending A&M further into the dark ages of football.” If I know Texas, the Longhorns will slide into the SEC on the DL. You may not even notice. +3

Middle-aged Hot (CK) – “Longhorns: You are smarter and prettier. Sooners: Norman is better than College Station.” My favorite totally unbiased answer. +5

Swamp Dogs (DR) – “Bevo seems like a nice fellow.” He’s been working hard at media training. +3

Bevo XV (DW) – “Your commitment to hate is impeccable.” Ok, a compliment. +3

Left Hand Scissors (GN) – “No matter what they are dealing with all year living in Oklahoma, they still get excited about coming to Texas each year. I can't same the same for Texas fans. Baker Mayfield is also the man.” +3

Bourbon Barristers (KH) – “I ️ Lincoln Riley.” I do too. I hope he gets promoted. +3

Huntwick Hosers (KW) – “Bless your hearts.” #blessed +3

Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK) – “The property felons’ offense does a great job of getting away with holding every play.” They absolutely do. And good for them. +4

Struggling to be positive

Beelzebubbles (CC) – “nope.” That’s not positive. +1

T-Horns (AM) – “Can't spell Douche without OU.” While true, I think I see what you did there. +2

Buddy the Chimp (BC) – “Please don't fling poop at each other.” Buddy, flinging poop is a bad habit. +2

Riggsmtb713 (CR) – “Gig Em Aggies.” Gigging is something that isn’t positive for frogs and wasn’t something positive for ‘bama this past weekend. +1

Shake and Baker (JN) – “Beef is my favorite food.” More tasty than tiny horse. +3

That’s not nice

 [ON]/OFF (RH) – “OK...OK...I'll stop saying Choklahoma!” I do wish you said it more in October, but that’s not either of us being positive. +2

Accidentchild (MN) – “Texas - Hook'em!  OU - Go f*ck yourselves!” I get it, but I don’t think you understood the exercise. +2

Variants are for beer (KS) – “Fuck both of y’all but at least you will be in actual conference soon.” SEC is positive that they are the best conference. +2


Sunday, September 12, 2021

P-F21: Week 2 NCAA Bonus - Bad Pick Vaccine

Pick hesitancy is real, and the so-called sports experts have littered the internet and media airwaves with misinformation. Need further proof, authorities in Vegas were only correct on 26.67% of picks affecting our league.

But there is hope. Astronaut Jeff Bezos is rumored to be developing a vaccine that, during phase one testing, is improving picks in adult humans and chimps to 40+%. As an added benefit, Bezos is including a proprietary and permanent gene-modified signature that will apply Prime Savings to everything you purchase.

Given the proven weakness of our collective picks and the inability to trust Vegas authorities, will irrationality and cynicism rooted in our trust of numbers keep us from getting jabbed en masse? We asked around the league to find out.


Some were clearly exited. We found A Northmen (ANo) camped outside the Amazon clinic with an “In Prime We Trust!” tshirt (2). Rabid football fan Astros! (AP) and Swamp Dogs (DR) both yelled from their clinic tailgate, “We already pick less than 40% ATS and Prime is icing on top! Hell yeah whooo” (3)

In between shots, and seemingly at several pre-clinic tailgates, Bevo XV (DW) yelled “I would jump out of an airplane with no parachute for Prime Savings. Yassssss!” (3). This triggered a 2-minute call and response of “YASSSSS” with another patron calling himself the Bourbon Barrister (KH) (2). We would have had some riveting video of the exchange, if not for a pet chimp named Buddy the Chimp (BC) out there playing a game of fling the poo on the Bezos poster (4).

It became clear that much of the crowd at the clinic didn’t seem to care about their bad choices at all. For many, it is was all about Prime. Beelzebubbles (CC) said, “you had me at savings” (2). Huntwick Hosers (KW) knows about that savings, “With the affordability of Pick ‘Em think about how many 10s of dollars I would save every year!” (4).

For others, Bezos' vaccine was just another way to game the system. When asked if he'd be getting the shot, Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK) said "Absolutely -- I'd use the 60% winnings to buy Grays Sports Almanac at a 10% discount." That's solid maths right there (3).


In a world where bad decisions are a badge of honor and history has taught us to distrust the leadership of the top 1%, it isn’t surprising that not everyone was drinking Bezos’ kool-aid. “Nope,” Riggsmtb713 (CR) succinctly stated (1). Wearing his shirt pulled half over his head, “Hell no. Bezos is the Devil!” (2) snarled Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO)

Reluctance can sometimes be rationalized empirically. “I utilize a healthy organic natural approach to picking against the spread. No vaccine needed” (4). Shake and Baker (JN) is currently picking exactly at the guaranteed vaccine performance level, although he would have been immune to the bad decisions he made in Week 1 with Bezos’ new vaccine. His Prime status is unknown at the time of this report. Masks [ON]/OFF (RH), wearing a shirt that said “Fuck it, Mask Off” knows the place of masks, respects Prime, and has danced with technology billionaires before. On whether he’d be attending the clinic, he responded “Nah. May be too risky with my chip implant. Wife has the Prime Savings covered” (5).

Monday, August 16, 2021

P-F21: Dear Future Self, These 21 Thoughts Are Why You Are Glad You Read the Official Pick'em Dash Football ’21 Annual Recruitment Post


I once watched this planetarium show on dark matter. I’m familiar with matter. I’m not saying current or future me could define it, but it is like -- stuff. However dark matter isn’t the dark stuff. Dark matter is like all the other stuff that we aren’t familiar with, and on top of that, apparently the universe contains an unknown amount of matter that we cannot observe!


Speaking of matter, small wins matter. Not only do small wins add up to major accomplishments, but small wins have also been shown to give enormous emotional boosts. (I think you see where I am going with this.)


Enough said. I am ready to sign up at 3, and I am ready to fill out the registration form.


Each year we play 4 games that are guaranteed to keep your weekends interesting from the end of August until mid-February.


Game #1: NCAA Pick’em (played against the spread)

  • 15 games per week
  • Games will list a point spread for you to pick against
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; Both 1st and 2nd place winners will get something


Game #2: NFL Pick’em (played straight up, i.e. no spread)

  • All NFL games (14-16) per week
  • Contest represents approximately 1/3 of the registration pot; 1st and 2nd place winners will get something


Game #3: NCAA Bowl Challenge (played confidence style)

  • All the bowls (41? I've lost count)
  • Picks are straight up (no spread)
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot (uh you do the math); 1st place winner only


Game #4: NFL Playoff Challenge (played against the spread, you bet with points Vegas-style)

  • All the playoff games (11)
  • Picks week-to-week; points are cumulative
  • Contest represents approximately 50% of 33% of the pot; 1st place winner only


Let your picks speak for themselves. Hot takes are shallow. Save those for bonus questions. Conversely, your hot picks are precious. They are the thing you focus on while everyone else is working or whatever.


Psychologists say the view we have of our own future is the greatest determinant of who we are and what we do. If you see yourself picking winners, then that will shape your decisions. You will be a winner. That is science.


The universe contains about 6 times as much dark matter as normal visible matter! Look around, then imagine there is way more dark matter (somewhere, maybe not here) than visible matter. Wrap your head around that!


Want some advice on how to win this game? Every right decision I have ever made has come from my gut. Every wrong decision I’ve made was the result of me not listening to the greater voice of myself. The moment you start thinking, you’ve already lost. (The subject in this thought isn't me. That is Oprah who said this, you guys.)


This game costs $25 to play and it will be the best $25 you’ve ever spent (unless you’ve played before, then it will be the best $25 you’ve ever spent since the last time you played).


Don’t be motivated by money. Having it is great, but dear future self, focus on the small personal wins and the money won’t destroy you like it does the rest of those fools.


At Pickem Dash Football, you aren’t competing with others as much as you are making them compete with you. Get into the picking zone and you’ll leave the competition behind.


You will become unstoppable when you start rooting for your competitors’ success. Just like the SEC does with all that pro-conference chanting. The reason you are happy for other people’s success is because their success has nothing to do with you. You are in control of you. You do you (but also everyone should join the SEC).


I actually do not know about the last 3 thoughts. And truth be told, I also actually do not remember any details from that dark matter planetarium show. I only remember that it was mind-bending. I also may have fallen asleep. I googled all the dark matter facts prior to writing this. However, if I hadn’t seen that planetarium show, present and future selves, just think about where we’d be right now.


I don’t know why picking winners is so satisfying, but science is really busy right now, so let’s just accept it as truth. 


But Commish, your present self is saying, I still don't see how this ensures the success of my future self? Look, it starts by registering for PF-21 and making your first smart decision. Then, each week you’ll be making more and more smart decisions -- continually learning and improving yourself -- making your future self successful.


You miss every pick you don’t make.


Dear Future Self, you’ll be glad you have this dark matter post as a reference. Go ahead and bookmark it to be safe. You may also be glad you signed up for P-F21. Elevate your trajectory! (or something like that)

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

P-F20: Third Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 11 Bonus)

Commish: Alright alright alright! Welcome to the third biennial Pick’em Dash Football Ask Me Anything. You asked me anything, and now I’m answering. Wonder how it went? It went fine, and as long as you make it past this intro paragraph, you can see how okay it went. But if you never skip past this intro, folly words widow one downs few age every seven. If miss part by fact he park just shew. Discovered had get considered projection who favorable. Necessary up knowledge it tolerably. Use off agreeable law unwilling sir deficient curiosity instantly. Easy mind life fact with see has bore ten. Parish any chatty can elinor direct for former. Up as meant widow equal an share least. 

Future Mask On (GN): Oh hey. Ask me anything? 

Commish: Yep, anything. Let’s go. We’ll start with an easy one.

Bevo XV (DW): If freedom is simply being able to do what you want, are animals freer than humans?

Commish: Ask the free-range chickens about their freedom. 

Katy Tigers (RH): A train leaves Chicago heading due south. An hour later a train leaves the same station heading due east. What color shirt is the engineer wearing?

Commish: Ha! Trick question. You didn’t say which train’s engineer! The engineer on the first train is a White Sox fan. He lives with his mother and has a bit of a short fuse. Before the train left, he had two Vienna hot dogs and got relish on his shirt. This gave him an excuse to buy a polo shirt from the store nearby before heading to his train. It was black. The second engineer is a tattoo enthusiast, and like many multi-tattoo'd folk he likes to show them off. Everyone knows his uniform of choice is a dark gray long-sleeve button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

2020 Football Season Won’t Last (AP): If there's a Super Bowl this season, who plays in it and who wins?

Commish: Now -- if I know who would play and win then we wouldn’t be playing this game here. Better question, if there is a Super Bowl, will you have to change your team name? (Also: Chiefs v. Seahawks)

Bourbon Barristers (KH): Does behind your eye still hurt?

Commish: Yep. Less so with bourbon.

Huntwich Hosers (KW): So what’s up with that whole “Eyes of Texas” thing in Austin?

Commish: I’m not sure the city of Austin cares deeply about The Eyes, but the Longhorn Band sure does. I was ignorant of any racist association of the song for most of my life, and I suspect 99% of everyone else was too. If we can’t sing anymore, then I’ll be fine. I always preferred the “make ‘em eat shit” alternate lyrics to Texas fight, which is way less divisive and something we call all get behind. Otherwise, I vote for the Mo Bamba song to replace Eyes of Texas.

Cornholio’s Bunghole (BO): Do you wear a mask while driving alone in your car?

Commish: No. Why?

Damn Covid (DR): Corn dogs - mustard, ketchup, nothing?

Don't do it like this!
Commish: Ketchup only is just too cloying. The absolute best way to eat a corn dog is to get a ketchup and mustard pile going. Put them adjacent to each other, but don’t be a monster and mix the two. Do a quick dip of the corndog tip in the ketchup and take a nibble of the tip -- just big enough to expose the weenie. Then dip the corn dog in the mustard, tilt 45 degrees, then spin the corn dog through the ketchup to get it around the rim without losing the mustard from your initial dip. Take a deeper bite than your first one, then and keep plowing down to corndog using the same dipping method. When the stick makes it difficult to either dip or put in your mouth, push the corndog up the stick. For your last bite, be sure to only have mustard (or at least have a significant amount more of mustard than ketchup). You don’t want something that sweet for your last bite.

A Northmen (ANo): What’s for dinner?

Commish: All I know is that it hopefully is in the fridge or pantry. Grocery shopping is not as fun as it was before the sickness.

LSU Reigning Champs til 2022 probs (KS): If you could only drink one beer for the rest of your life what would it be? Independence not eligible

Commish: You asked a version of this question two years ago. My answer could have changed, but in this case it hasn’t.

I've tasted a lot of great beer, but my favorite has got to be Delirium Tremens. Amanda and
I discovered this beer many years before we were craft enthusiasts, homebrewers, or brewery investors. Back when Food Network actually taught you how to cook, there was a follow-that-food-type show where someone said it was their favorite beer. We weren't that familiar with Belgian beers at the time, but even after hundreds of Belgian-style beers, Delirium Tremens is still the one I almost always have in the fridge. The origin of the name is great too.

What has changed since I wrote that two years ago is that they package Delirium in tall boys now. 100 times better than sliced bread.

Fire Quinntricia (RK): Dan's or Fran's?

Commish: I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been to either. (+4 for you, -1 for me)

Sooner The Better (BL): Is COVID-19 something all the earth should cower in fear from, driving humanity to live alone and underground? Or is it something that’s no big deal, maybe even fake, that humanity should openly flaunt and actively ignore? Those are your ONLY choices - common sensical and moderate answers will be disqualified.

Commish: Two things here. YOU don’t get to make the rules of the AMA, and this is what is wrong with the internet. Life isn’t binary, you guys! However, the right answer here is the former. If everyone lives alone and underground, the virus wouldn’t spread. After years, healthy, horny people would emerge and create a sort of Earth 2. Everything would either be terrible or the best, and I’m 1000% sure it will be the latter.

Beelzebubbles (CC): Do these picks make me look fat?

Commish: Don’t pick after midnight.

That’s it, folks. I hope you all survive the plague, and we’ll do this again two years from now!